One Gnostic's Notes

expanding acceptance

2011-12-26T08:09:00.000-08:00

left work at 11p last night and on the drive home, felt subtly bombarded by the vast array of internal feelings. too many to get, to understand. breathed and cried and let the emotional cacophony be, focusing on the ground of being (we share) of Love. this feels, however challenging, also like good practice. eventually i arrived home and my mind was distracted by other things like fresh cool wet air and the peace of home.

this morning i had a dream full of alien content: the environment, the beings in it, my way of being were all foreign to me. and yet i was able to be loving, to wakefully care, throughout the dream, without feeling dominated by alarm. after waking, i felt a curious new harmony.

both zen and sophian gnosticism inform this perspective, this practice. it's part of what i mean when i say, "Everyone loves what does. She whispers, 'Love what doesn't.'" what does or doesn't what?! it's easy to love what makes sense, what cooperates, what agrees with our sensibilities, our preferences. the challenge is always that which opposes our preferences, our senses, our perspective on Life. this is what calls for acceptance.

and it's not like i've 'arrived,' but more like my first taste of what i will be continuing to practice. i'm sure there may be times when i fall back into alarm and rejection, but maybe even then, i can remember curiosity and compassion.

hopefully.

it was about The Code!

2011-12-13T19:54:00.000-08:00

i will always remember how it felt, the first time i saw that scene in 'the matrix' when neo jumped into smith, broke him (everything false/oppressive) away and then, COULD SEE THE CODE! that was what i wanted so badly: TO KNOW THE CODE!!! i went home and danced for an hour. yeah.

at the time, knowing the code would mean understanding the structures that support reality, how everyone's choices intersect in ways that shape what happens in our lives--as well as understanding the other events that manifest, that appear outside of individual or group choice, like disease and natural disasters.

also at that time my son was attending a waldorf school and anthroposophy appeared to provide some of this code. it was deep and complex and i looked forward to the day when i would have the free time to immerse myself in it. i absorbed as much as i could with the time i had. unfortunately we didn't stay with the school much longer. (it's a long story.)

then i ran into some folks online, a discussion group on myspace called M.A.Y.H.E.M. some of us are still connected on facebook; awesome folk. we discussed everything there, science, faith, the meaning of life, politics, everything inside and out. the group leader had a great theory for, literally, explaining everything. various people espoused to various schools of thought as their code, but nothing was a good fit for me. and i still wanted more.

then i ran into a sophian gnostic group and studied kabbalah and suddenly Hebrew seemed like The Code! every letter representing a whole world--surely i could dive deep into this! feeling overwhelmed was ok and expected. again, i studied as much as i could and looked forward to when i would have more free time.

then i saw flint sparks speak at a workshop and started attending appamada. at an inquiry, he shared an article, 'the real path,' by norman fisher from the fall issue of 'buddhadharma.' the explanation of dukkha (often translated as 'suffering' or 'thirst') there touches this: "the profound fact that everything is not really knowable."

No! [laughs at self]

Yes. [sigh] there is a gap between What Is and what we are able to perceive. this gap, this liminal space, is beyond our reach and yet, it IS what we must explore.

so there is no code that is known, not absolutely (and anyone who claims it doesn't get it, imo). it is our life's mission to explore it and share what we find there. not to define it, to put it in a box and kill it, but to forever explore, leaving it alive and changing, this mystery forever beyond our reach.

somehow, knowing this much is satisfying. (for now.)

(and this sense, that there are events outside us that we have little to no effect on, this is an illusion. there is no me/you/in/out/us/them. there is only Life flowing and we are an expression of it; our limited awareness a part of the beauty, however bittersweet.)

simply

2011-11-29T12:59:00.000-08:00

the stories we have about ourselves and others, everything we think, none of it is real. these are things that run through us but are not the ground of our being. our true nature is Christ, is Buddha, is Love.

we are ok as we are even though we don't believe it and everyone else is ok too, even though we don't like it. and all is changing and then changing more in response to those changes. and--

"VAST is the robe of liberation
a formless field of BENEFACTION
wearing the UNIVERSAL teaching
i realize the ONE true nature
thus harmonizing all BEING" ~appamada (emphasis/caps mine)

i like to get these concepts into one place, for easy reference and reminding. from today's inquiry.

and from today's (11.30.11) zen discussion group--the stories we have of ourselves aren't true, while the effect we have on others, that they share, is true.

waking slowly

2011-07-13T08:17:00.000-07:00

a few years back i discovered how subtly wonderful it is to wake when i'm finished sleeping. so simple and yet it adds SO much quality to my day and my Life experience. i'm not so much attached to wanting a lifestyle where i don't ever need to set an alarm, because i like a variety of experiences. especially since waking with an alarm makes the other wakings when it isn't necessary even more sweet.

part of the experience is rolling over and going back to sleep until i'm really ready to get up. and sometimes laying there, wondering, about all kinds of things, including (but not limited to) if it's time to get up. such freedom! such ease and peace.

then this week, i was inspired to get up, perhaps a li'l early, perhaps before i'm completely 'awake,' and then sit for 1/2 an hour. i'm REALLY liking this. i've had a hard time getting a sitting routine going, especially since my work/school schedule is so strange (not the typical m-f, 8-5). i know i'm not the only one, so it's not a guilt thing, necessarily, but it's still something i want to do.

so getting up and sitting is really working. it's lovely and sweet.

and i've also been enjoying working in the recumbent bike exercise too, while reading zen material. which made me laught at myself the other day, when i finally got it, how 'unzen' that is, lol. not that i'm going to stop or change it. i need the exercise and i want to read zen material, so for now, that combination is working. at some future point, it may shift/change.

but getting back to the 'waking slowly' thought, i'm sure you're not missing the metaphor here. what comes to mind is something about how slow seems more thorough, how i believe it's important to explore one's own rhythm and work in harmony with it, to be harmless (nonviolent) with self as well as with others.

so this rhythm of waking and sitting feels very peaceful. leaving the 'beating myself up to get a new habit' behind even further. gratefulness!

weekend rocked this world!

2011-06-28T19:39:00.000-07:00

this past weekend was amazing--with both a hakomi training and tau malachi and sister sarah visiting magdalene circle! very full days of wonderful, wonderful schtuff!

here are some brief words for part of the experience, specifically with malachi and sarah--

Words Surfacing after First Wonderworking

Darkness and light
Scent and silence
an empty fullness
speech, prayer and chant. harmonies.
Calling in Oneness by speaking of dualism--
Reverberations, thunderous and profound!

Invitation and empowerment
in the Tower of the Flock.
bitter drowning,
tastes of fire and light,
whispered prayers throughout
senses touched both gently and abrupt,
embracing ALL
in this--at long last!--homecoming
(bittersweet hint of things to come)

another view of the whole

2011-04-26T05:41:00.000-07:00

ok, so maybe this is obvious: everything is everything.

even the most wonderful thing is lame to someone. even the most lame thing is wonderful to someone. lately i've been telling people, "everything (art) has an audience."

probably nothing is all lame or all wonderful. so we can do our best and then trust that it will have an audience that thinks it's wonderful and some who think it's lame.

hopefully more of the former, right?! i mean, it's human to want to be received well. and it's important to have the courage of expression too.

similarly, some will already know this and it will be new to others.

i'm still learning.

this easter, i will sit

2011-04-24T04:17:00.000-07:00

i wonder what it would be like to be unanxious. about anything. to not have some issue that is so pressing, so urgent, that it wouldn't affect my every moment.

i get glimpses when sitting, especially with others. this morning, i'm going to sit at appamada.

i get glimpses in hakomi training. the space created there is what i've been waiting for my whole life: no rush, a lot of quiet, loving kindness as the foundation of shared social space, gentle nonviolence. ok, maybe 'gentle nonviolence' seems redundant, but i've been with 'nonviolent' people who weren't gentle. there are degrees.

the kingdom of heaven is within (thank you, tolstoy). i think sitting will be the best way to celebrate easter this year.

dream from day sleeping

2011-04-22T15:20:00.000-07:00

with my odd work/school schedule, several days/week i sleep during the day. it's a different quality of sleep, as you might imagine, from sleeping at night. and sometimes my dreams are more scattered but sometimes they're more vivid and clear.

this good friday afternoon, i dreamt that austin, downtown, had this wonderful center of a fountain and a amphitheatre. in perfect dream logic, it was nothing like austin and there was no river running through it (love that phrase, lol). in front of the amphitheatre, which was above ground, the fountains were in an large, circular opening, bricked, below ground, with steps down to the center, organically shaped and asymmetrical. the fountains shot out from the top toward the center. it was much prettier than i can describe.

these two areas were for baptisms and other spiritual celebrations. surrounding it was a park and different churches, that shared these spaces. the internal fountain space was mostly used by gnostics and baptists for full immersion baptisms. the above ground amphitheatre was used by lutherans and other churches for baptisms using drops on the head. everyone loved the spaces and loved sharing them. there were people about, dressed in robes, singing and praising God. strangely, i'm not sure i could hear them, now that i'm looking back. reminds me of when i watch music television with the sound off (which i often do), lol.

also in this dream reality, everyone was cared for. no one was homeless or neglected. not saying there wasn't conflict, but everyone wanted everyone's basic needs to be met. they just decided and did it.

so, as i wondered how they paid for this wonderful, spiritual celebration space (which was also used for "nonspiritual" events, if there is such a thing), it was very simple: they just decided to. as i tried to figure that all out. . .comparing to this reality's history, etc. . .it all seemed possible.

that's the thing: it is possible, we just have to decide to do it.

notes from today's inquiry 04.19.11

2011-04-19T12:31:00.000-07:00

tuesdays 1230p, appamada.org

"you cannot hinder enlightenment," possibly paraphrased, written by a well-known zen teacher who i haven't learned his name yet, in a letter he wrote to a student, somewhere in the middle. i burst into tears. such sweetness, after growing up in the mindset of original sin and how, at our core, we are evil. i don't know about that, but i know we are human and that includes buddha-nature.

my mind went blank right before i asked to hear more about taking refuge. that is it! where did my mind go? i don't know--that is it! this is something i can trust.

there is no separation between this moment and what is desired (refuge).

enlightenment is meeting each moment wholeheartedly, with intimacy, as we are. just this moment.

we are always connected to infinite resource (never alone).

what can be hard to remember (or easily forgotten)

2011-04-04T16:50:00.000-07:00

when faced with connecting with others i don't feel safe with, even in the most subtle way, i tend to freeze and do my version of a *deer in the headlights.* at best. at worst, i pretend the other person doesn't exist, which is foolish and does no one any good. generally i'm at a loss for what to do. the feeling of not being safe is based on a past experience and i get stuck (caught).

while i'm clear it's not who i want to be, this frozen in time person who isn't available, present-tense, i also feel lost. like my mind can't think of any other way to be.

the key is loving kindness, to be in a space of loving kindness and offer it to those i meet. this is an opportunity to practice embodying Christ, to be open to the flow of loving kindness. as i often like to reflect, what would Mary Magdalene do? to be empty of history and present to this moment.

there is safety in this emptiness and loving kindness.

something to remember. grateful for teachers, like tau +malachi, who remind me.

whatcha git

2011-03-18T21:58:00.000-07:00

learned a new parenting phrase a coupla weeks ago:

you get what you get so don't throw a fit. (round here that'd be pronounced, yew git whatchu git n doan throw a fit.)

i think i like it. a lot.

i can imagine parents facing the age old struggle of attempting to keep pace with their children wanting to keep up with the latest fads, whether clothing or gadgetry. there's an opportunity to teach that Life's not about the things we buy, which can sometimes be a hard lesson, especially if/when the surrounding culture pushes consumerism. heck, lotsa adults struggle with this one, myself included.

what i like about it is that it speaks to starting from where you are. i can so easily complain about my background, whether about the abuse/neglect or bout growing up in a small town and the lack of exposure that can broadened one's perspective and offer challenges that can bring out the best in children, if they're supported. or the lack of funding, practically my whole life, the struggles of single parenthood, blah, blah, blah. it's never ending. but taking an inventory of the shortcomings of our past doesn't really benefit us. well, maybe once to raise our awareness, especially if we wanna do better for our children, but certainly ruminating over it doesn't help.

and this was similar to my son's response. my son, who's 19 and no longer needs my mothering, but it's sure nice having him around to have these kinds of conversations with, as well as others. initially he didn't like the phrase cause it sounded to him like there's no way to improve one's situation. i replied that i didn't think it meant that, only that belly achin bout it doesn't help anything.

we get what we get. and then we can move on from there, with choices from a range of almost infinite directions, one small step at a time. (which leads us to other parental phrases, lol.)

OR not.

an online friend shared with me how a parent used this phrase as part of their abuse, so it doesn't work for everyone. any phrase can be ruined that way, sadly.

today's short thought

2011-02-28T17:09:00.001-08:00

Life (existence) is a rhetorical question.

RIM quote, re: the urban mystic

2011-02-12T20:12:00.000-08:00

"The Urban Mystic serves as an awakened antibody in the bloodstream of humanity. Rather than avoiding the world, this being chooses to function and thrive within its marrow. Not caught in duality, this mystic remains aware of multiple dimensions of reality. The Urban Mystic sees the suffering existing alongside beauty and compassion. This being lives poised between the worlds aware of the Reality beyond opposites." ~Rosamonde Ikshvàku Miller (facebook.com/#!/rosamonde, gnosticsanctuary.org)

so grateful for rosamonde's inspiration and how she points the way. this sagittarius very much appreciates a clear target!

9 line toast

2010-12-10T08:02:00.000-08:00

here's a toast that came to me for my birthday celebration last night (@ blackstar.coop). the chorus is said loudly, in rhythm, by everyone, then an individual shouts the in between phrases, also in rhythm.

(CHORUS:) ENLIGHTENMENT & LIBERATION!!!

(individual shouts): by the path you choose!

ENLIGHTENMENT & LIBERATION!!!

that there may be peace!

ENLIGHTENMENT & LIBERATION!!!

full awareness and freedom!

ENLIGHTENMENT & LIBERATION!!!

for ALL without exception!

ENLIGHTENMENT & LIBERATION!!!
(then everyone cheers!)

this was the toast we said this evening--great fun!

another 9: 3 leos, 3 RNs, 3 publishers (folks who work in publishing). my birthdays often have interesting 9 phenomena. it's also the 9th anniversary of the WV wreck (that could have killed me). so 3 9s. sweet!

Appamada

2010-12-03T09:17:00.000-08:00

sweet zen center in austin (appamada.org) named for Buddha's last words, interpretted as "wakeful caring." LOVE sitting with them!

also love their 4 principles:

Caught in the self-centered dream, only suffering;
holding to self-centered thoughts, exactly the dream;
each moment, life as it is, the only teacher;
being just this moment, compassion’s way.

-.-

so clean, so empty, so restful. a wonderful place to dwell, full of potential.

labeling myself zen gnostic now :)

this morning's prayer

2010-10-03T14:05:00.001-07:00

worked the overnight shift last night, so this is the prayer that happened as i drifted off to sleep bout 8a--

Holy One,
i am a child, innocent and ignorant. please gently open my awareness, dissolve my ignorance so that i may serve as your tool, to alleviate suffering and point to your true light.

help me to follow the true light (not to get lost like a bug zooming round a parking lot lamp post). for the enlightenment and liberation of all, without exception--

in the name of Logos, Christos & Sophia, Amen.

october as a window

2010-10-02T05:40:00.000-07:00

i was blessed with studying with a wise sikh woman when i lived in phoenix, sangeet khalsa. loved her eastern/new jersey-ish accent. actually can't remember where she was from, so it may've been a new york accent, my ear is not that sophisticated.

she lead women's yoga (plus other topics) classes that were wonderful, enlightening and nourishing. wait! maybe she has a website! i bet she may still be teaching them. . .yes, womanheart was the name of the class. her site is healingsource.com and here's a quote i MUST post--

"From the beginning of time women have gathered together to build and hold sacred energy, to pray for their loved ones, to exchange wisdom and to celebrate all aspects of life. They sat around camp fires, met at all sorts of social events, helped each other with the birthing process and supported each other as the role of modern women expanded in business and public service. When women gather, the heart of this world grows brighter."

such a wonderful teacher!

part of what i learned from her was a bit of ayurvedic numerology, which considers every october a window on the upcoming year. it's just a peak, maybe holding some clues, maybe a bit of grace to help us prepare for what's ahead.

i've always looked at it, also, as a time to attract what i want to manifest in the upcoming year. for instance, when i was single, i made sure to go on some dates. didn't matter if they were hugely successful because during the following year, not only did i date, but there was usually a good relationship that came out of it. there's also putting extra attention into diet and exercise, making sure i get plenty of rest and maybe have a tiny vacation experience, get a massage, those kinds of things.

it's an interesting way to experience time, to weave reality. time & reality aren't linear anyway, so october is an opportunity to entertain all kinds of possibilities.

blessings! :)

highlights of the weekend vacation, 8/2010

2010-09-01T22:21:00.000-07:00

(originally written as a facebook note, i hope to write more on this weekend soon.)

you could think of these as the series of updates i might've posted, if i'd been online.

or not ;)P

wonderfully cool weather with sunshine. sweet mildness and people watching while serenely waiting for a ride from the airport.

great to see my cousin, kristin, and get a taste of her mundane life--which is the most exquisite way to interact with someone, really. went grocery shopping, said hello to her boys, met her cats, swung in the porch swing, walked through gardens (then the sun was hot). . .but not necessarily in that order, lol.

sweet evening coolness with windows open. watched a sketchy movie, wonderful experience of getting every other word (due to technical difficulties, ha ha ha ha).

great to be joined by two more cousins, sisters rachel & sarah, then off to enjoy the drive through napa valley to indian springs spa. oh. my. goodness. heaven on earth! swimming in naturally warmed mineral water pool, then a salt scrub/body polish with massage--all with these amazingly wonderful smells--then quietness by the "buddha pool." "phenomenologically outstanding" doesn't touch it.

indian springs spa is so sublimely sweet (again, words fail). http://www.indianspringscalistoga.com/spa/

then delicious window seat in a lovely cafe eating homemade pasta and drinking smoky wine. yum!

oh and sunday! sunday--enjoyed some sweet solitude as drove to visit the gnostic sanctuary. http://www.gnosticsanctuary.org/ all tucked away, seeking part of finding it, beautiful colors, beautiful space, beautiful intoxicating scents. bishop rosamonde miller is amazing, with energies that my mouth is unable to describe. brought to tears just arriving, just being there and during the Eucharist. the most profound ritual i've ever experienced, hands down. then delicious conversation over a yummy lunch--SO very grateful--thank you!!!

completed the circle on the drive back. more sweet cousin visitings in cool weather. not much sleep.

they sell emergenC packets at the airport! yes, this may just be a world i can live in ;)

then sweating the minute the plane lands in austin, lol! it's freakin hot here!!! suddenly i've lost what li'l acclimation i had to this weather and miss northern california like it was my home.

i will be back :)

sometimes

2010-08-11T15:24:00.001-07:00

sometimes i fall into despair and anger, railing against all the suffering, knowing in my core it isn't necessary, completely not understanding the point of existence and why. totally convinced there is no positive outcome to make it fair or worthwhile, then crying.

then it rains and i walk outside in the cleansed air and experience the immense diversity that is reality and wonder. this blows my mind as well.

then i'm left to acknowledge my tiny perspective. no, the beauty does not make the suffering irrelevant. i wouldn't even say it makes it bearable. seems like an equal perspective/plane co-existing, both simultaneous.

and i step into a deep sense of mystery and witness and simplicity and breathing.

confessions of a spiritual lesbian

2010-08-02T18:29:00.000-07:00

yes, i'm bi. my partner is a wonderful, very human, man who has taught me more about Love than probably anyone, romantic or otherwise. i've had one experience with one woman that affirms that that would work for me too, but i'm probably slightly more hetero. basically i find everyone beautiful.

there's something different when only women gather. the space and energy are completely different. as sisters, there is something we share that is understood, that needs no defense or argument. women who are silent around men, relax and are more vocal when there's only women. we all relax, actually, easily sharing the spotlight and affirming what's best in/for each of us. the gatherings i've attended, in different belief systems, for different objectives, have all been nourishing in ways that are rarely met when men are present.

i find it easier to learn in these circumstances and with/from women teachers. their teachings seem more immediately relevant and applicable, also often more compassionate.

i have witnessed my spiritual brothers appear to be healed from time spent in men-only gatherings. i have seen them soften and yet also be stronger men, also better able to appreciate women, without having to control or define them. i don't know what happens in their gatherings or what they need from each other that women can't give. i'm ok with not knowing. i'm grateful to have experienced them nourishing themselves as only they can.

i have been feeling deeper into loss, allowing it to be, transforming the longing for what was to the longing of the Divine Beloved. this afternoon, She came to me in a flash--Wild Sophia! and yes--it is She who i desire! She whose presences requires fearlessness, not as a demand, but as a requisite to be fully present in All That She Is, for Lilith and all her shadow aspects are there too!

best to allow Her to destroy you, cut you into pieces! there is nothing to loose--only the illusions that get in the way of true union. leave them behind and breathe into wholeness!

words are lame, lol, and yet something must be said. SO grateful for Divine Connections!

yeah, what he said

2010-08-02T05:28:00.000-07:00

one of my facebook friends had a great update yesterday--

"I am so sick of the male ego and the masculine feeling of superiority, along with the male's archonic display of dominance and authority. I see it every day, day in and day out, and I absolutely abhor these male 'prima donna' types -- those males who accept adulation and privileged treatment as a right and react with petulance to the least criticism or inconvenience." ~Albert Lloyd Williams

so affirming to hear this from a man. certainly fits some recent, unfortunate experiences.

he also has a profile honoring the Divine Feminine--
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=app_2915120374#!/pages/The-Return-of-the-Divine-Feminine/294515654562

more gifts from matthew

2010-08-01T23:06:00.000-07:00

"that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." matthew 5:45

gaining insight today on another possible application of this understanding--that the Holy Spirit can flow powerfully through the kind/caring & unkind/uncaring also, through the compassionate and humble as well as the authoritarian and proud, through those who desire connection/mutuality and those who are only self-seeking.

just as i'm grateful that all have rain and shine, i'm also grateful that the Holy Spirit can move powerfully through all.

another one of my favorites; has been very informative & directional--
"He told them still another parable: 'The kingdom of heaven is like yeast that a woman took and mixed into a large amount of flour until it worked all through the dough.'" matthew 13:33

i once heard a great sermon based on this verse, which basically boiled down to we are here to be yeast--to connect and let God's light shine through us.

a simple focus, a great direction.

short glimpse

2010-07-30T07:00:00.000-07:00

morning
new day
emptiness of non-event
potential of no plans

beautiful void

wishing. hoping
to extend it
to walk in it
always.

resistance sensation

2010-07-23T16:46:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wonder at my resistance. i don't get it, why/when/how it shows up, slowing me down. occasionally it feels right, like making space for deep integration. but other times, feels more like a limitation or some foreign influence holding me back. not that it is foreign. . .but it doesn't seem consistent with what i'm thinking/feeling i want.

today, exploring memories/sensations, that resistance feels like a heavy blanket on my mind, not unlike extreme fatigue from sleep deprivation. contemplating the metaphor, how it impacts my life, like how survival issues have been such a struggle for so long and seem to get in the way of the spiritual growth i long for. also possibly similar to this extra weight and the effort it will take to get to a healthier weight.

all seems like the same thing. praying for Abba-Imma's will to be done.

compost insight

2010-07-09T16:43:00.000-07:00

i always put off taking care of the compost 'cause, as you can imagine, it's gross. smelly n gooey in a not-good kinda way. we keep a bucket in the garage n then transfer it to the pile in the backyard when it's full.

usually layer it with shredded paper first. composting all one's shredded documents is the ultimate security! just turns to dirt! :)

so today, raked back the grass clippings, put down the shredding, then poured out the compost bucket. then raked the grass clippings back on top, which covers ;) the odor.

today i was thinking about raw emotions. back in the 70s, it was the *thing,* to be honest and raw with those important to you. in the 80s, that was re-interpreted as "dumping" on people. there's a time and place for everything. the 90s and 00s seem to be moving ever more conservative again, as if the repressed 50s (and earlier) never happened.

recently got feedback to "live within." at first it seemed like more conservative repression, but i think it's something different. it's not that feelings are never expressed. still contemplating it and what that means in my day-to-day life. today with the composting, i got that the raw gooey foods were like raw emotions, sorta stinky, lol, and best left covered up a bit until they can break down into dirt. it's not that they're "bad" or that expressing them is a mistake, not exactly. but given time, their expression can be much more valuable, more useful, like dirt in a garden.

yeah :)

then later trimmed the rosemary in the front. aaahh! love the scent--what heaven! as dumped it onto the compost, i was struck by how things just keep growing, no matter what. a large sunflower had grown up from the side of the compost, but then was practically completely devoured by bugs. they've been bad this year with all the rain. but this afternoon i noticed a new bloom with a few tiny leaves (the original leaves were a good 8" across!). that's Nature/Holy Mother-Bride--an amazing, unlimited source for growth--relentlessly available! wahe guru!

social justice and releasing aversions

2010-07-01T19:05:00.000-07:00

i believe Christians are called, in part, to serve the oppressed and support socially just solutions to suffering. really appreciate walter wink's, the powers that be, and his political insights into Jesus' teachings, clearing up the misconceptions of his nonviolent resistant actions of how to shock or inspire the oppressor into perceiving/treating the oppressed as equals. clare boothe luce also described eleanor roosevelt as *getting* it, "No woman has ever so comforted the distressed or distressed the comfortable." this call has lead me to pursue social work as a profession with the idea of doing counseling, supporting social justice on the individual level, through body-centered psychotherapies like Hakomi and Family Constellation Workshops.

contemplating this and releasing aversions. much good comes from releasing aversions, especially when this enables us to release judgment or open our hearts wider, to be more available for connecting with others. releasing aversions informs releasing conflict, really where i'm at these days.

yes, so i'm still in the middle of it. how to know when to release an aversion and when to speak to injustice? recently i spoke when it may've been more productive to at least be silent and wait. still considering it all.

and what of social justice? or on a personal level, what of wrongful accusation(s)?

today a beautiful soul, Yakov-Leib HaKohain, gifted me with, in our discussion, this great metaphor from Sri Ramakrishna: "I don't have to see you eating radishes to to know you've eaten them. I know you've eaten radishes by the smell of radishes on your breath."

that is such a great metaphor because it so excellently illustrates the subtlety of interactions, sometimes accusations and the Divine Mirror. we're talkin bout elements as subtle as breath and scent. how can i trust your accusation that i've been eating radishes, when i haven't, but you claim you can smell radishes on my breath--especially since i've been watching you eat radishes?!

seems important to practice serving social justice by seeking just (fair) personal relationships/interactions. especially when diving deep into personal exploration/discovery. it's ok to be careful with me as i want everyone to be careful with themselves. and yet to explore the accusation, to consider it is harmless. accusations about thoughts, so subtle, so difficult to discern what's what, to navigate one's way. when nothing's at risk, no biggee. but when it's about someone's power over another, then it's worth the extra time/energy/exploration to get clear.

i will be learning more about projections, transference, counter-transference, etc, soon with my first internship coming up this fall. really looking forward to it! and have been reviewing all this with my therapist, a trusted expert who i know will confront me as necessary and support my best. so grateful for her! she's told me awesome stories that affirm trusting Unconditional Love. aaahh, yes.

so this blog doesn't really answer any questions, so much as ask more. exploring how to know while continuing to contemplate being empty, living within, releasing aversions while also seeking to serve social justice.

testing the waters

2010-06-22T18:17:00.000-07:00

i choose to swim in a sea of Unconditional Love. navigating any other ocean, no matter what the justification or rationalization, simply fails to make any sense.

on respect: all beings deserve respect simply because they exist.

yet trust must be earned; it cannot be demanded by anyone, no matter who they claim to be or the nature of a shared relationship.

i desire a teacher that i can test. of course, i will be tested and challenged. and with highest respects, i desire the freedom to ask questions. that's how trust grows deeper.

as a parent, i've allowed my son to ask any question, even to speak to me disrespectfully on occasion. then, lovingly, i set limits for comfortable conversation. he's learned. i'm only asking for what i've extended/given.

trust grows through dialog. of course, the teacher could set limits, even be harsh if necessary, within the relationship. silence can be an excellent teacher.

and i have oh so much to learn, lol.

6.25.10--
i can trust Unconditional Love, relaxing into the infinite spaciousness of it, breathing easier.

One of the Wisdoms in Matthew

2010-06-21T08:32:00.000-07:00

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your sibling's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your sibling, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your sibling's eye." Matthew 7:3-5

this verse has been a comfort to me on multiple occasions and returned to me again today as a comfort regarding a recent loss when, after setting a healthy boundary, i lost a profound relationship. this verse helps me with projections, which can be so confusing, with my moon in libra, making all relationships seem like a hall of infinite mirrors where i can't tell who's who. is this mine or yours? why are you saying it's mine when i've experienced it as yours on numerous occasions and i have no feelings for it? while i may not have any "sticky" feelings for what you're judging me about, i do have feelings about being wrongfully accused.

so then, how can one be clear?

so i always go to the place of: i dunno if i'm the one with the speck or the plank, i have no attachment to either position. i could easily be the one with the plank. but if you're unwilling to be human, to admit to even the possibility of a speck or ever having a history of a speck, then why should i let you so close to my vulnerable eyes?

that's something else i continue to appreciate about my beloved urban dance tribe: the willingness to discuss as equals our humanity, our mutual blocks to our vision, the mirror we present to each other, which enables and empowers us to clear our vision ourselves.

so that we can have eyes to see.

it's an ongoing process. i don't claim to have completely clear vision. but when i can see plainly, that you have something similar to the plank you claim i have, when i can see something of that in your eye, that you aren't willing to discuss, then let's just leave each other be. i will contemplate your claim. when you're willing to discuss the possibility that perhaps, i may see something too, then we can explore our visions together again.

meanwhile i will continue seeking healthy, mutually respectful relationships, leaving all others be and, if necessary, leaving them behind.

an insight & early morning dream

2010-06-03T02:22:00.000-07:00

yesterday i had an aaahh (sorta like an ah-ha, but a li'l different) insight from the mirror of brittle defensiveness around authority. i wrote bout my wish that all in authority would be free to rest in it. there are ways to hold authority comfortably, allowing dialog that informs and teaches while still being the final say. it's a way of breathing.

then yesterday the aaahh insight hit me: i can also do this when others project their negativity onto me! yeah. [breathing] i can rest in my own ultimate authority. i can give space/time to their feedback in silence, which isn't agreement, and let it be for a time, continuing to center in what i know to be true--releasing aversion to negative projections! i'm so ready to be free from that and releasing aversion to them! the only power they have over me is the power i give them. yeah, lol.

so a short bit ago i had a dream where i had left my car on one side of a lake and took a boat to the other side, not being careful to note where exactly i left it or how i would get back to it. i was going to a class. turned out that we were just sitting and reading, which i can do at home, so i got up to go, but then was having trouble getting back to my car. i was getting help from the authorities (lol), but i was still uneasy how careless i'd been.

now that i'm awake, seems like i could almost see my car from the shore i was on.

dreams are funny :)

ch-ch-ch-changes

2010-06-01T00:52:00.000-07:00

processing all the silliness and learning. had a great, healing chat with an online friend, a canadian mage, whose insights were very helpful. the point of sharing all this is that maybe someone else might benefit. or maybe i can re-read it in the future if i find myself in similar circumstances.

ultimately i'd prefer to heal from this pattern of finding myself in a relationship, usually with a group, that i dearly LOVE but where i'm being asked to surrender my perception of my experience and agree to their negative view of me. which is something that happened with my mom a lot growing up but i'm sure is something i brought into this life from before.

but before i get into that, there are at least a couple things i could've done better with this recent incident (silliness). first, if i'd been more committed to *living within* then rather than expressing my feelings to my friend, i would've been able to interject more grace into the interactions. there's value in creating space to experience events more deeply rather than expressing superficial reactions. i'm not saying never speak to them, only giving some space/time to simply breathing, then seeing what's left after. maybe dance/move and then see what's left after that. also i wonder what would've happened if i'd asked, "do i get to have authority over my own experience?" that may not have changed anything, but still i wonder what the response would've been. i think the response may've been more informative.

so on to the chat with my mage friend. he made several good points that i took notes on.

1. there's drama in mysticism when a person is down-to-earth or rational and the group isn't healthy. if the group is healthy, there is space for dialog, independent thought, working things out. if the group is dysfunctional, then the rational folks are pushed out.

2. encourage individualism. if any/all unusual expression, even if not agreed with, is supported, then it helps avoid groupthink.

3. take an active role in communications. which i always try to do, but found it often difficult in that group. at least i can feel secure that i tried. and i can continue to work on a communication style that is less threatening. seems like i'm always unintentionally threatening folks. got a bad case o'sag mouth (sagittarius are known for being brutally honest and confrontational). my friend supportively said there are worse afflictions.

4. use humor more. been working on this one for several years, especially with parenting, and am getting better. sometimes my humor is too sarcastic, but again, i can keep working on it.

5. good form: compliment, criticism, silliness. his friend calls it a "shit sandwich." it's a form i've been using for years, especially when i was supervising; seemed to work really well. had a coworker call me on it, but he wasn't really saying don't do it. silliness as in, making fun of self to put the other at ease. i think of it as a way to acknowledge our common humanity. yeah, my experience supervising has been informative through all this, to look back on a leadership style that integrates feedback. it's also my parenting style.

integrating feedback: what a concept!

my hope is that one day, All in positions of authority will know how to rest in it, holding authority comfortably, releasing unnecessary brittle defensiveness, allowing dialog as a teaching tool because dialog is not threatening and only makes their position and their students/subordinates stronger; is only enlivening and creates a thriving environment for everyone.

there's, of course, a possibility that this isn't so much of a *pattern* as it is one way to grow from group to group. looking back, the process appears like a natural progression, not so much that anything was wrong, per se.

meanwhile, another gnostic friend recommended gnosticsanctuary.org and i'm feeling even more at home! time will tell :)

what's the point of gnosis if i'm supposed to deny my experience?!

2010-05-31T00:00:00.001-07:00

k, i can go to that paradoxical place, that perhaps gnosis is gained when experience is surrendered. i can go there. i jes sincerely never thought it would be through being blamed for things i haven't thought or said and being asked to change attitudes i don't have while joining in my teacher's reality that he doesn't make mistakes.

right.

then where's humility? i mean, the situation begins to look more like bullying. . .or even brain washing. ain't playin that game.

it's all so strange. . .starting off as someone else's lack of communication, which i initially found upsetting, but had decided not to say anything about it. but a friend felt compelled to, even though i asked her not to, which is her choice. i wish she hadn't, but she's a free agent. so the drama gets high and things get way twisted. i get misrepresented multiple times and there are layers upon layers of inaccuracy, but no dialog allowed. somehow i'm being disrespectful, which i totally don't get. meanwhile i'm watching those accusing me of being disrespectful, lacking in respect of themselves and others. maybe they think disagreement=disrespect, which aren't the same thing.

oh, and the friend who told my story without my permission? she's asked to stay in the group.

whole thang ain't fair, but Life often isn't.

gratefully, i've felt Holy Mother-Bride's presence through this whole mess. i'm sure she'll explain it all to me with time.

so i was once too radical for a group called 'mayhem,' n they banned me. now looks like i'm too heretical for gnostics n gettin banned again! i'm really not that outrageous--Really!!! lol! i'm actually pretty mousey, by some folks standards. [sigh] ah well, Life goes on.

and on and on and on. . . .

when the internet was new: a story of Elfin

2010-05-16T05:37:00.000-07:00

this morning i was reminded of a series of stories from way back in the early 90s, when i was new to the internet. i had been a stay-at-home mom but then my first job after putting my son in daycare at almost 3--he was SO ready! :D--this first job was in 93. i was working at UT and signed up for my first, several email listservs, one of which was for those interested in findhorn (findhorn.org). one member wrote all her posts metaphorically--which i loved! i found it to be an amazing way to communicate, through story, especially in the often misunderstood medium of plain type on screen. many on the list didn't appreciate her indirect means of communication, criticizing and attacking her for it which i found very unfortunate. eventually she was dropped/blocked from the list.

before her exit, she had woven an amazing world that we were all apart of that also included fictional characters. one story happened on the African plains. it was marvelous but i don't remember the characters' names. . .unfortunately. they were unusual. . .one had a "q" without a "u" with some "a"s. . .but yeah, i'm not remembering them. there was also a euro-centric storyline that included the Fairy Queen and a character named, Elfin. yes, she was an elf. one of the sayings repeated throughout the stories was having faith in Faith and trust in Trust.

while participating on the findhorn listserv, i was inspired by this storyline and got a vision which has been informative for me in this life. thought i'd post it here to share and for later reference.

-.-

elfin sat at the foot of the fairy queen, waiting for her next lesson. the fairy queen pointed at something behind elfin. as she turned to look, she saw a wall of fire, very tall and reaching from one horizon to the other, the burning, popping, cracking sounds deafening.

elfin quickly turned back and with a slight shiver, said, "surely you don't mean for me to walk through that?!" the fairy queen smiled at her with deep, timeless compassion and a slight weariness, or knowing, as if she had done it before herself and said, "yes, little one. remember your faith in Faith and your trust in Trust."

and so, reluctantly, elfin stood and walked toward the wall of fire. she couldn't believe she was doing it! she felt the heat while still many yards away, but continued on. was she voluntarily walking toward her own annihilation?! she began breath of fire, the quick in-out-in-out, to give her courage.

eventually she was there and still the fire raged, extending beyond each horizon. she extended the first toe into the fire--

but what was this sensation? was it heat or was it coolness?! then she found herself walking through a waterfall, equally thunderous and purifying. she dove into the pool and emerged, not recognizing herself.

only her faith in Faith and trust in Trust.

possibly maybe perhaps: new way of being, new humanity

2010-05-04T00:10:00.000-07:00

i so love watching M. E. tv at work. drifting through time measured in music videos, such visual sweetness, for the most part, lol.

while watching coldplay's speed o'sound; such indirectness and i wonder at this. this allowing art to move through without identification with the channel. i mean, i don't know coldplay's music/art that well nor do i know anything of their fascade or persona(s). i'm getting this intuitive hit based on that they don't look directly at the camera and the camera doesn't seek out an identification with the performer(s), not until the very end, using it as an exit.

i remember when, seemed that celebrities were new to their role, inventing it as they went, what with drugs to cope and still losing the game to ODing or suicide. still happens. then there was robert redford and his rejection of the media hype. then there was princess di, who was unable to escape. in between, sting's wisdom, claiming that to believe in the person sold as the celebrity was to invite madness. seems new balances are developing, long after warhol predicted everyone's 15 minutes. now we have reality tv (no, i'm not a fan) and celebrities living among us, interacting with us and we're not flippin out bout it. realness, back n forth.

there's constant flux of course, change bein one o'the few constants of the universe.

but what i may've gotten a glimpse of, from the coldplay video, might be a new way o'being. perhaps. possibly. as we learn to release identity and allow art/spirit to flow through unhindered. new ways to allow flow, a new constant. maybe new breathing and being.

maybe.

what would interacting and connecting look like from that place? perhaps something like ecstatic dance. i look forward to exploring it further. this ties in with living within. . .to be with others from an empty internal place, yeah.

dreamin o'whales n livin within

2010-04-25T10:19:00.000-07:00

i used to dream of whales a lot. at least i interpreted the images as whales. i would find myself swimming in a deep body of water, not an ocean, more like a lake, and there would be very large beings, shadows, swimming beneath me. felt sorta scary.

at the time, in my 20s, i interpreted those dreams as a deeper part of myself communicating with me and took it to a very literal place, thinking i needed to deep sea dive with whales. i've always felt a connection with whales, studying them in my free time in grade school. once i saw an imax film on whales and cried through the whole thing. tears of longing. strange, but real. i would still like to deep sea dive with whales, but i think there was more to the dream.

thought bout studying marine biology but that didn't happen. too easily discouraged by a stranger with initials behind his name. these things happen and then we learn. in recent months i painted my room colors i find soothing, that turned out very watery. the wall with a window, opposite the door/entrance, is a deep blue and the other three walls are a pale green, only slightly darker than light through coke bottle glass or probably, similar to light in shallow ocean water. then aqua curtains fit really well and now my room has a ocean quality. good for day sleeping too (since i work nights).

since those times (20s) i've been diving deeper, exploring internal realities, curious bout the structures that our external, shared reality is based on. learning. . .how is it that i can work on my internal issues and my external reality shifts so drastically? how is it that, sometimes, there are no external changes and yet, everything seems so very different?

i've been grateful to live with this "magic" for well over a decade. something i learned before my son was born: there's nothing in the universe you can love or hate that isn't reflecting back to you something you love/hate about yourself. work that mirror! the results are amazing, nothing short of miraculous! sometimes it's about clearing, sometimes healing and somethings accepting or making peace with What Is. in each case, something that troubled me, i became free of. cleared out pet peeves to start. so nice to be rid of those nuisances.

it's a nice tool.

so recently, when some spiritual friends online suggested i "live within," my response was, "what?! i already live within!" i was caught off guard. i meditate, i pray throughout the day, i contemplate. what are they talking about?!

but i had been posting on some social struggles, in this case gender-based, and even though i was owning my issues, i was getting the 'living within' feedback. ok, clearly time to dive deeper.

that's the thing--there's no limit. there's always more! so we're gifted with this amazing tool (mirror) and there's no end to how we can contemplate what we're being shown.

also a few years ago, while recovering from the WV experience (2001) and not knowing what i wanted, for anything, i wondered what my inner child would want. seemed at the time like she might have more of a clue than i could see. what i'm getting with this recent feedback is that--i used to live more within, like it was a natural state as a child, but when my reality was not only not affirmed but distorted by feedback from my caregivers, i was frightened and didn't know what was real, didn't feel real. over the years since, i've healed and learned good resources, if/when i need to check on What's Real, so i can release this fear. i think it was this old, no longer needed fear that prompted me to post recently about my social struggles.

now i'm free to return to a more natural state: living within. i can breathe much easier now. i feel renewed at a primal level. there's a deeper peace that i didn't even know. . .was possible or that was lacking. . .that has been calling me, but my consciousness wasn't understanding.

growing my ears, lol. my stepfather would now make a joke bout Lutherans and their big ears, lol!

sweet laughter on the path of learning. perhaps i may deep sea dive with whales one day, but if not, there is another experience that calls to me, more strongly.

culture shock & releasing expectations

2010-04-15T11:24:00.000-07:00

back in the late 80s, early 90s, i attended several scott peck community building workshops based on his book, a different drum. really good experiences. about 40 people would gather, most all not knowing each other before the weekend, and we would somehow make our way to community where we would end up loving each other, like a close-knit family. truly wonderful! one part of the path between disconnected strangers to connected friends is releasing expectations. only by emptying ourselves of those, as well as the need to fix others and maybe a few other elements that aren't at the forefront of my mind at the moment, could we arrive at community. it was also interesting to me that some individuals arrived at community before others. the process was described as the whole group arriving together, but every group is composed of individuals with differing states of being, so it made sense to me that some might arrive at different times.

every spiritual path has it's own culture and i'm still learning the culture of this path that still feels new to me, that i just stepped onto about this time last year, the last saturday in april. the first several months were amazing--like a long awaited homecoming that i didn't know i was looking for! my internal experiences were so "loud," i felt so much pressure to learn-learn-learn-learn-learn, that it was challenging to just breathe and be.

then in november, when taking my son to halfprice books and *accidentally* forgetting to grab a book to read while i waited on him, i went to scan the books in the gnostic section. the way of a pilgrim practically jumped off the shelf at me. a wonderful found story of a eastern orthodox russian pilgrim who was taken with the idea of praying without ceasing. that prayer, which i use often as an internal mantra, has relieved a lot of the pressure i had been feeling and has been a great comfort.

and so as time passes, other events also indirectly effect my expectations. an ecstatic dance group, body choir, that'd been my main spiritual path for over 12 years, declined and is now on hiatus. so i miss my urban dance tribe and its culture.

so i think part of my culture shock with the local gnostic group is colored by missing the urban dance tribe culture. clearly all my spiritual needs weren't being met or i wouldn't have looked for a way to dive deeper. so there are gifts to each group that i wish (speaking to the expectation) could be combined. important that i Make Peace with What Is again. (Making Peace with What Is is something i did a lot of in my 30s.)

one way to describe the groups different strengths would be to describe them as horizontal or vertical. while body choir presented the opportunity for vertically tuning in during the dance, what i'm missing most is the horizontal aspect of the culture. folks walking their talk, living their lives centered in compassion, harmlessness (ahimsa) and empowerment/justice. not that there weren't flaws in those areas, but that most everyone carried the consciousness of doing that through, for example, nonviolent communication, which was taught by a member. lots o'conscious languaging that i didn't realize i was taking for granted.

but i wanted to dive deeper into meaning, into the structures that our reality is based on, into kabbalah and other ancient wisdom systems (vertical). so much of the ecstatic dance path seemed to be about doing what feels right--compassion, harmlessness and empowerment have sensations that are excellent guides--but going only by feeling isn't enough, i don't think. it's too easy to be distracted by other things that also feel good.

for me, i also want to explore beyond sensation, to safely stretch my consciousness on a path i can trust. so this gnostic path serves that purpose by being grounded in christianity. this is truly what i was looking for. and i have so, so much to learn. it's truly nourishing my soul (vertically).

unfortunately the social, horizontal aspect is awkward for me. honestly, social interactions have never been my strong suit, so clearly, i have tons to learn in this arena as well. so i need to release expectations of how social interactions "should" be, of how communication "should" flow between people and again, Make Peace with What Is. i don't like how i am when i experience this culture shock; feels like righteous indignation, but that's absurd. there's no ground to stand on for that; it's not productive in any way.

better to move deeper into silent witness. so much to study and learn, there is plenty to do. continually remind myself of harmlessness and compassion and release silly impulses to confront.

who knew The Who were/are gnostic?!

2010-03-11T19:38:00.000-08:00

i was listening to an oldies station, 92.5fm, which is good for work and singing along with clients. i was struck at how great a gnostic song this is. very expansive and applicable, when imagining singing to archonic/klippotic forces, if you consider a pistis sophia point of view. meditation can take me to such an expansive place where, by the grace of God, seems like i can see/feel/breathe/be for miles and miles. similarly, via God's grace, we are shown how to see through/past archonic/klippotic ploys to manipulate us.

sing it!

The Who - I Can See For Miles
I know you've deceived me, now here's a surprise
I know that you have 'cause there's magic in my eyes

I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Oh yeah

If you think that I don't know about the little tricks you've played
And never see you when deliberately you put things in my way

Well, here's a poke at you
You're gonna choke on it too
You're gonna lose that smile
Beacuse all the while

I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Oh yeah

You took advantage of my trust in you when I was so far away
I saw you holding lots of other guys and now you've got the nerve to say

That you still want me
Well, that's as may be
But you gotta stand trial
Because all the while

I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Oh yeah

I know you've deceived me, now here's a surprise
I know that you have 'cause there's magic in my eyes

I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Oh yeah

The Eiffel Tower and the Taj Mahal are mine to see on clear days
You thought that I would need a crystal ball to see right through the haze

Well, here's a poke at you
You're gonna choke on it too
You're gonna lose that smile
Beacuse all the while

I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
And miles and miles and miles and miles

I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles

developing lucidity

2010-02-27T08:00:00.000-08:00

so we're on the same page when it comes to dreams--that it's good to develop lucidity and Life is just a dream, so there's implications--to get those foundational assumptions clear. ok.

this morning, from this morning's dream, seems like i'm developing lucidity from a subconscious place. that might be obvious to everyone else but me, but i just realized that this morning. when i try to become lucid with my conscious mind, i wake up, lol. :P dur.

so the point is to develop conscious connections with subconscious awareness. the subconscious is driving in dream time, so best make friends with it ;)

which i've been working on for, literally, decades, so yeah, the groundwork is there. still much more to do, but this "ah ha!" moment this morning was too sweet to not blog.

Attachment, Development and Experiencing God

2010-02-21T11:15:00.000-08:00

I'm loving graduate school and one of my classes is Loss and Grief. Recently we reviewed styles of attachment which can influence how a person handles loss. But before going into that, we learned about how early experiences, especially those before the acquisition of language at around 2 years, become "implicit memories" stored deep within the psyche in the amygdala of the hippocampus, part of the limbic system and located in the midbrain. These deep, pre-verbal memories, consisting mostly of sensations, have profound effects on our experience in the world, including influencing our perceptions and what we believe to be possible.

Developmentally, during these first few years, there is no differentiation (sound familiar?). Children's experience of reality is non-dual and completely contiguous. There is no separate "me" yet. Some consider when children first refer to themselves as "I" as the birth of the ego and dualism, at about 3 years. If parents are able to meet most of the infant's needs most of the time (perfection isn't necessary), then this creates positive implicit memories which serve as an excellent resource the child can later draw on the rest of their life.

Attachment styles are also established early, about this same time. There are four attachment styles, according to Wallin, including secure, insecure/avoidant, insecure/ambivalent and disorganized. As is typical when learning new psychological theories, I found aspects of myself that fit into each category (which is a common way to integrate new information).

These four types were defined through objectifiable behavior, by having the mother and toddler enter a room with a stranger (the tester/observer) and some toys. The observer would record how the mother interacted with them, with the child, how the child responded to the toys and the stranger as well as their overall behavior throughout. At some point the mother would leave, stay gone for a short while and then return.

For the purpose of this article, let's focus on the behaviors of a secure attachment. The child would explore freely, taking note of how the mother responded to the stranger. In the secure attachment style, the mother was usually appropriately friendly with the observer so the toddler was also free from concern. While the child might express the whole range of emotions, including crying when the mother left, the loss was not overwhelming and they would be able to calm themselves and play. When the mother returned, the child would express happiness at seeing her, they would embrace and then the child would return to playing with the toys.

Basically the theory is that people with a secure attachment style experience the full range of emotions and they are able to cope with loss, hardship, or even death, without being overwhelmed. They are able to find the resources and support they need to move through whatever challenges they are presented with.

Here's something that surprised most of us in class: 45% of the general public have secure attachment styles! We thought that was high, perhaps because, as social workers, we focus on solving problems and so get too "problem" focused. After thinking about it for a while, I really liked the implications of 45% having secure attachments in their lives.

This means that almost half of us have implicit memories of God as Ain Sof, of Adam Kadmon and of Keter. Which makes sense of how these experiences are difficult to put language to, being based in experiences we had before we were verbal. I believe this could also have positive implications for ours, and other Kabbalistic, path(s) attracting more followers. There are a lot of folks out with the potential for--or who have already experienced--gnosis!

in the darkness

2010-02-14T20:50:00.000-08:00

ya gotta admit, february is a great month for this, dontcha think?! ;)

occasionally i find myself, plunged deep into my shadow, usually not sure how i wound up there and often wondering what to do next.

last night at circle, i found myself near tears--in the middle of netivah studies! seemingly totally unrelated. my usual tack is to search my feelings to see what's up. last night this took me into turmoil where i ended up feeling very frustrated. but again, i dove deep into it, for better or worse. i figure if a feeling shows up, it usually wants to be expressed somehow. and now, after i've been feeling better, i can see again, although i'm never sure in the moment; that feeling it, praying for guidance and letting it all go, appears to have been the right thing to do.

got a crazy schedule these days with working full-time (4 10-hr overnight shifts) and returning to grad school, still spending time with my son and supporting his life (he's 18, so he won't need me much longer!). work is sun-wed, getting off thursday morning and classes are mon-tues-wed. by tuesday afternoon's class, Life is feeling pretty surreal due to my strange sleep schedule (mostly naps from sunday till thurs). i usually don't feel like myself again until friday morning, after sleeping thursday night and turning my days/nights back around to normal. i think this is the main stressor that threw me off last night.

but there are also aspects to this path that i'm not practised or good at dealing with, like that gnosis is between knowing and not knowing. how does this work for someone who spent most of her childhood not feeling real? not very well. i've worked hard to learn how to validate my own reality, but now, with these new experiences happening and there really doesn't seem to be a way to validate, no source of context, what i'm experiencing. appears that i need to get comfortable with not knowing, but there seem to be infinite layers, for me, around that issue.

faith and doubt take on whole new meanings, for me, with gnosis.

clearly much more to contemplate.

meanwhile, like i said, i got to a place where i felt better. and believe it or not, i'm still in touch with that. at some point, after entertaining doubt, i just have to move forward in faith, trusting that Holy Mother will lead me in a way that i'm able to follow. trusting that She wants me to follow and that She'll have patience with my issues because Her Love is so beyond my comprehension, that She doesn't mind. it's not possible for me to be too much trouble for Her. somehow i know this. that as long as i, literally (lol), long and desire and put forth effort, with Her help and guidance it will be enough.

Faith can be enough.

so these times of diving deep into shadow seem to be good as inventories of issues, a sort of cleaning house, even if nothing seems to change. a good time to ask for and receive Divine help. and a good time to express gratitude when supported and lead out of the darkness, back into the light.

2 illusions

2009-12-28T19:05:00.000-08:00

i struggle with these illusions, seems like a lot, especially recently. others may *get* it. you might get it. but i'm writing this incase i forget it again.

1.) sometimes there's conflict/challenge even though i haven't done anything wrong.

part of this comes from that whole childhood psyche thing where kids, especially those who grow up with abuse, blame themselves as a way to control the insanity in their lives cause it'd be too much to deal with when so vulnerable as children, like that the people beating us are those we depend on for food, shelter, etc. i've gotten over this outlook for many situations, even past the "new age" version of how we create our own reality, which doesn't explain 100%, not everything.

what i'm reminded about recently is personal conflicts with others, like communication break downs (let's leave mercury out of this; neutralize any effect). i can do everything ok, take care of myself and my boundaries, and it's still possible for things to get way fucked up. in fact, my experience is that often when i'm in a good place, doin good/feelin good, is when someone shows up who doesn't get it. this brings me to the second one.

2.) just because someone seems impossible, doesn't mean they are evil or unlikeable. they can be ok as they are.

which really irritates me. if someone acts like they don't like me and i'm not doing anything wrong, then i really want something to be wrong with them and for no one else to be able to stand them either. very childish, yes, which is why i keep this to myself. but many folks i listen to (and i do a lot of listening) express this sentiment. it's hard but i'd rather ground myself in the reality that they (the person in the conflict) are ok, maybe even have qualities i appreciate, than to tear them down or make up negative stories about them in my head.

even though it might not make any sense to me why someone might act like everything i do is wrong, that doesn't make it my problem. sure i can explore to see if there's some way to accommodate their preferences. in the current situation at work, feels like my peer is simply interested in power over and i'm simply not interested in giving my power away, so here we are.

i learned some of this schtuff when working hospice. most of the time, families are at their best when a loved one is dying, but occasionally (i'd guess bout 5% of the time) you get to work with a family where this isn't the case. and no one can blame them! death is one of the most difficult circumstances to deal with, for everyone. so occasionally, even the nicest nurses would work with one of these families and end up getting "fired" by them and then we'd all feel relieved.

cause as much as some of us may try to be reasonable, to leave as much drama behind as possible, as much as we might try to do the right thing, checking in with others around us to make sure whatever fits for everyone, as much effort as we may put into creating harmony; we're all, basically, human.

so i continue to work to give myself a break, while i continue to work to give others breaks.

to leave the conflicts be. leave 'm behind and focus on the harmony, on when it works, which is actually most of the time.

ALL as new

2009-12-18T07:25:00.000-08:00

releasing old context, old reference points, setting ground in the heart flame.
could it be so simple, the communion of seekers?

all seems new. once this was unnerving and surreal, but has grown secure through Holy Mother's Love and Grace, teaching me love and grace, this centering in the heart. forgiveness for all, releasing all needs to the Divine for perfect fulfillment.

meeting in circle, such comfort from other spiritual nerds. even though we are all very different, not like minded, there is an acceptance, a tender/gentle presence, recognition of sharing a path in this world, but not of it.

not that i've arrived or am in this space always, but enjoying this newness, outside of attachment, aversion or grasping.

yes, much grace.
and grateful.

crazy Truth

2009-12-12T03:38:00.000-08:00

can't sleep, might as well blog. i suppose all honeymoons must end, change being one of the few constants of the universe 'n all. still sucks.

on myspace i have this list of sayings i've made up over time that i'll have to grab another time. my computer's too old to update the browser so i can't log onto myspace at the moment. later i may add the list to the end of this blog [actually it's posted as "b4ii" (10/15/09)].

one of the sayings was/is above, which may not be original with me--most of the "sayings" are simply stating the obvious, like--change is one of the few constants in the universe.

another one has to do with how more Truth is present when opposites are allowed to co-exist without attempts to change either. this doesn't make sense, in any rational way. and before i had this experience, i would've argued up/down/back/forth against it.

but really, the only thing that prevents the peaceful co-existance of opposites is the rational, logical mind: a human creation. rationality is a great tool and can actually go a long way to serving peace, but it too, has it's limits. it's good to develop a sense of when to let go of rationality and allow for either intuition or another non-linear, non-rational mode of thinking to be in the driver's seat, so to speak.

so what am i basing all this on, some kind of altered state, either induced by an additive (ie, drug) or meditation? not at all--not in the least, actually. this "saying" is based on attending a series of board meetings. yep, i'm a nerd, i went to board meetings for fun, lol. some would say i needed to get a life, but i felt like i was in the middle of it! cause with all the dead beauracracy we're surrounded with, i LOVE alive organizations. these board meetings were at the austin waldorf school that my son attended when he was small.

these meetings started with a marvelous verse by rudolf steiner, that i'm having trouble finding at the moment, which called us to seek the spiritual life through service to benefit others. and then they would discuss business. when the inevitable, apparent conflict in choices of action would arise, they would allow space for all possibilities, without rushing for solutions, trying to change or fix anything to fit in a certain way. i found it amazing. no apparent personal attachment to any particular solution, just peaceful consideration.

my impression is that, when opposites are allowed to co-exist without pressure to change, that that's like sitting in Da'at. not sure if that's completely accurate though, i still have much kabbalah to learn.

it sure felt good, which surprised me at the time. on some level it still does--but i can't get enough of it! so i speak what feels like it must be said (or i'll explode) and keep hoping that those i speak to will learn to receive what's said without feeling threatened by it.

maybe some day.

exploring through myth

2009-12-01T20:15:00.000-08:00

(also in the december MC newsletter)

There are many ways to learn and explore. There is studying ancient texts and their contexts, exploring the meaning of the words and all the possibilities of what was trying to be said. There is exploring dream time, contemplation and meditation. And there is following intuition and metaphor to see what that may disclose. This article describes an experience of exploring intuition, myth and metaphor.

Recently one afternoon, when experiencing a happy moment and prolonging it by thinking of things to be grateful for, my attention was drawn to the purse hanging on my arm. I'm fond of my African, woven purse that’s like a basket with leather straps. Then the myth of Little Red Riding Hood and her basket of goodies for her grandmother flashed across my mind, what I call an intuitive "hit." Next clicked the thought of Our Lady in Red and the story of the wolves with her in the forest, "There were many times disciples saw wolves going along with the Holy Bride in the woods," (p. 97, St. Mary Magdalene by Tau Malachi).

So I explored the myth of Little Red Riding Hood to see if there is any possibility that it could have its beginnings with Mary Magdalene. As far as I looked, that doesn't appear to be the case, although the resonance and possibility is definitely there. While exploring the mythos I came across several different metaphors within it, but what piqued my interest (another "hit") was about how Little Red Riding Hood was in a liminal state, between girlhood and womanhood, before starting her menses. Liminal states, according to Wikipedia, are characterized by ambiguity, openness, and indeterminacy. I love this state, that I often try to stretch, between waking and sleeping, when consciousness gets all surreal and nonlogical, where there's awareness but it's much looser than waking consciousness. It almost has a fluid tangibility and the end is indescript.

There are many examples of liminality. It is said that gnosis is somewhere between knowing and not knowing. Teenagers are liminal, between childhood and adulthood. There's also the wonderful seasonal tradition of hanging mistletoe in doorways. Mistletoe is considered a liminal plant as it grows between earth and sky, off the ground in trees, but then sheltered by their tree homes (not exposed to the sky). All thresholds are considered liminal, as they are between rooms or between outside and inside. Then kissing, like a peck on the cheek, is considered liminal as it crossing the threshold of someone's personal space without intruding into it. It's considered ok to kiss someone who may be committed to another person, another way the mistletoe tradition celebrates liminality.

From this liminal space, we learn about nondual reality! Certainly textual studies can expand what intuition can use to direct our learning. And so what began with a light-hearted moment of gratitude can end with more profound contemplations. The still, small voice inside (intuition) can lead us in fun and educational lessons. Something to consider 'neath the mistletoe this holiday season!

Lillith with power tools

2009-11-29T11:06:00.000-08:00

now there's an image!

day before yesterday, in meditation i opened to Holy Shekinah to interact/receive/follow her direction. a beautiful, bare chested woman with radiant dark, curly/wavy hair appeared, wearing the minimalist green shift of a skirt; very luscious. she appeared loving and yet indifferent to my attraction. as she approached, she seemed intent on something in my head and began tinkering in the upper back of my brain, not unlike a mechanic in a car's engine. i sat with this for a long while. at some point i sensed a metal plate, a subtle energy form, laying across the top 1/4, inside my skull. perhaps the mechanic imagery inspired me to invent something like a hood.

at any rate, that image had been clear in my mind, off and on through the next day. i checked in with my tzaddik about it and he confirmed that she's, most likely, Lillith. today when i became aware of an itch i get in my consciousness, a bad mental habit, or even addiction, of needing to either get into a negative rut about someone else or about myself (when aimed at myself, it includes the dread of getting caught for a mistake). at that point, the vision shifted to Lillith with a welder's helmet, lighting up a blow torch to do some majoy metal cutting! yep, these ancient mental habits definitely feel like they need major work, like intense heat and cutting, to heal. i've also heard the sounds of metal saws cutting through metal.

gettin pretty noisey in there. i appreciate the humor these images bring. doesn't seem like She minds at all; i see her continuing her loving smile, while jumping back into the work in my skull. i often get that i need to lighten up. and i'm very grateful for this help and imagery.

Adonai Yeshua Messiah, have mercy on us.

stuck in traffic or levels of the soul

2009-11-10T10:35:00.000-08:00

nov 1st, all saints day, my son's 18th birthday: he had his party in the afternoon so i went to the Pistis Sophia study that night.

Magdalene Circle meets in round rock which is not convenient. at all. minimally 45 minutes north of my house. i've learned to take mo-pac on the way there cause even on saturday afternoons, traffic on i35 can be a pain. but Usually, coming home, i35 is no trouble. which is good cause it's usually late, i'm usually tired (coming down from altered states) and it's a straight shot anyway. it's the shortest route. (altered states, as in, from meditation and study/discourse.)

on this particular sunday, i practically get to my exit but then traffic stops. i'm less than 100 yards from my exit (stassney) and it's a parking lot. emergency vehicles are racing by and i look ahead to see flames jumping up above the cars. the smoke and flames aren't slowing down so several of us turn off our cars, even the truckers turn their trucks off, and get out to stretch our legs. it was nice out, cept for the caustic cloud, and it was sorta nice to walk around a freeway where probably nobody ever just, you know, walks.

so we're walkin around. i'm really wantin some spray paint. guys are racing and rappin. there's a highway support that's within reach, that i can literally reach out and touch, and that's what i'm wishin i had spray paint for. i'd spray a equalateral cross within a circle with "WWMMD?" inside both arms, overlapping/sharing the first "M." but then it's pro'ly good i don't have spray paint cause i'd only have 100s of witnesses to report me.

where i was stopped on the freeway, there were 3 levels. below us 290/71 ran east/west (sorta). i was on i35 which runs relatively north/south and then above us, what the highway support, uhm, supported was the flyover from 290/71 to i35 northbound.

so then i get that i'm on the Neshama level here, lol. below us is Nefesh and above is Yechida and this highway support, that i can reach out and touch, is Ruach and Hayya.

not that i totally, truly *get* this. i'm still learning. but what i've learned is that two aspects of the 5 levels of the soul (Nefesh, Ruach, Neshama, Hayya, Yechida) are connectors. Ruach connects Nefesh with Neshama and Hayya connects Neshama with the infinite aspect of our soul, Yechida, that part of us that doesn't incarnate, that always resides with God.

it was an interesting metaphor that popped up, whether accurate or not, it made being stuck in traffic more interesting.

elements of ecstatic dance

2009-10-27T16:09:00.000-07:00

(This article, about my experience with Body Choir, appeared in the Magdalene Circle October newsletter. Comments/feedback welcome!)

Mary Magdalene was an amazing dancer and I believe she still dances with us today! Here's one description of her dance:

"When she wished to dance alone, no one would rise to join her, but all sat entranced and enchanted by her dancing. Yet, when she wished others to join in, her dance would become intoxicating, so that no one could remain still. The energy of her dance would pass like a wildfire to all who were present, and all manner of prayers were answered when she danced." (St. Mary Magdalene, The Gnostic Tradition of the Holy Bride, Tau Malachi, p. 41)

Here are a few of the ideas behind ecstatic dance, although there's no substitute for getting into your body and letting the dance move you. You may find that some of these ideas are already a part of your spiritual practice.

Every expression is sacred. There's no wrong way to move. We dance in an atmosphere of unconditional love and acceptance.

Non-verbal. We express with movement rather than words. This helps us be more fully present in the moment as well as more accepting of all expression. Also this doesn't mean we're silent, just that whatever sounds we make come from deep within, not language from the mind. Dance is an opportunity to put mind in the back seat and let the soul-body connection be in the driver's seat. As such, it is a great moving meditation.

Dance with what shows up. Our inspiration comes from being "in the moment" with the music, other dancers and our surroundings. This is "showing up." Dancing with what shows up can be joyfull, but sometimes the music or program may be difficult to get into or dance to. Sometimes we may be dancing in partnership with someone and their dance may feel awkward. This speaks to the opportunity to dive deeper into the dance, to stick it out and explore new internal territories or make new connections with other dancers. Another way to dive deeper and explore is through repetitive movement. To pick a movement and repeat it, watching the mind, sometimes express boredom, while continuing with the movement, can be informative. Fully, authentically showing up, expressing who we are every moment, no matter what that looks like, accepting ourselves and what's around us--this kind of authenticity and acceptance can be very empowering and can expand our compassion with ourselves, each other and our surroundings.

"If you move it, it will change." Said by Gabrielle Roth who developed the 5Rhythms, this quote speaks to the transformational power of dance. Gabrielle studied aboriginal and other native peoples' dances and defined their moves as The 5Rhythms, which are flowing (feminine, circular, gathering, receptive, inhale), staccato (masculine, the heartbeat, angular, definitive, exhale), chaos (marriage, the storm, trust, let go), lyrical (playful, often 6/8, lightness) and stillness (returning home, resting, zen) forming a wave. Music for flowing is slower and the energy builds, then falls back to slower in stillness so that the wave can be repeated indefinitely. All of life can be described with one of these rhythms.

The Mirror. Everything the dancer experiences is their story. When seeing another’s dance, it may appear that they are having a certain kind of experience or expressing a certain story, but we can’t know what's going with them until they tell us after the dance. If what they share is different from what we perceived, then what we saw was a mirror of something going on inside us. In the twelve plus years I have been dancing with Body Choir, this mirror has blessed me with insights into myself that, when I own them and work what is presented to me, yield great results.

The Divine Witness. Seeing and being witnessed is sacred and powerful. We all need to be seen, for someone to witness our expressions in a non-judgemental, totally accepting atmosphere. Being seen validates who we are and what we feel in the moment. All the beauty expressed during dance can be amazing!

Manage your boundaries. Everyone is responsible for their own experience. You don't have to dance with anyone if you don't want and likewise, no one is obligated to dance with you. We're encouraged to connect, to stretch ourselves by letting others in, to dance intimately, but that is also everyone's choice and not a requirement.

Dance at the crossroads. I learned this idea from Vin Marti, a student of Gabrielle Roth who created SoulMotion. He describes a vertical dance and a horizontal dance. The vertical dance is going within and dancing one's connection with the Divine and with Mother Earth. The horizontal dance is dancing with others in the room, focusing on one's surroundings. Dancing at the crossroads is dancing both, being fully present with the Self, one's Creator and connection with the Earth as well as with others and shared surroundings. Initially this may sound like too much, but with practice, shifting attention back and forth, the experiences can become integrated. And of course, it's ok to focus in one direction, as the dancer feels called.

Where spirituality, sensuality and sexuality intersect. When partnering with another, the connection that happens in the dance is also considered sacred and is best honored by leaving it there, rather than making presumptions about connections beyond the dance. Occasionally dancers may experience a deep union as if God and Goddess (or Lord Yeshua and Lady Mirya) are joined in their dance. This is dancing where spirituality, sensuality and sexuality meet and can be done in complete innocence. Honoring the experience by leaving it in the dance enables innocence.

As a spiritual practice, dance can be very sacred. It can also be a lot of fun or simply social. There's room for every perspective and preference. In fact, when we celebrate our differences, the dance experience becomes more round and whole, welcoming All.

what matters

2009-10-27T16:08:00.000-07:00

new focus/context--

"What knowledge, understanding and wisdom have we acquired? How have we loved the Holy One and our relations? What have we done to serve and uplift humanity, or to serve and uplift those around us?

What matters is our experience, the knowledge we gain, our capacity to love, and how we have been of actual benefit to others. That’s it – nothing more, nothing less!

If I look into my present incarnation, then, I may discern the karma of previous incarnations, and I may discern the work and tikkune (healing) to be done. Where do I need to increase knowledge, understanding and wisdom, where do I need to grow my capacity to love and give, and where can I be of help and service to others? Where are these things compromised or restricted, and how can I overcome those barriers – how can I grow in Christ and open further to the Light from above, the Holy Spirit?

How can I make the most of my present opportunity?"
excerpt/quote written by tau malachi,
http://sophian.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1803

picture from here

2009-10-16T09:42:00.000-07:00

notes on my current focus (foci). i'm thinking this may change over time, but this is where i am at the moment (different from where i was pre-april, before the wizard visions, when i was lead to Magdalene Circle).

besides continued study, including gnosis of the cosmic christ, pistis sophia, gospel of st. thomas and others, increased meditation practice, participating in on-line discussions and meeting with the austin circle, this is a list of my current understandings or adjustments to context (?) maybe.

--release aversion, attachment, self-cherishing and criticism (different from discernment)

--cleave to Christ, Logos and Sophia, to live a Christ-centered life

--be of service

--see all of Life as a reflection of mind, "life is but a dream" and desiring/working toward lucid dreaming

we're surrounded by Holy Spirit as Nature and we're surrounded by archonic/klippotic forces, not to be resisted, while maintaining focus on Christ and being of service toward the enlightenment and liberation of all beings in all realms.

learning/discussing maps (ie, tree of life) but not pinpointing personal experience, that Truth is between knowing and not knowing.

b4 ii

2009-10-15T23:10:00.000-07:00

"sayings" referred to in the "crazy Truth" blog (12/12/09). most of these i made up. . .the list is longer than i remembered and that's with deleting quite a few. guess i get carried away sometimes. . . .

• the basic fabric of the universe is Love (ahimsa/harmlessness).*

• God (the Universe, the Creator, the Divine, the Source or whatever label you use) is beyond comprehension (omniscient, omnipresent) which includes beyond gender.

• everything is a miraculous creation of God. . .and God is part of everything. in our species, we are connected to the Divine through our hearts and subconscoius.

• the Creator (God, the Universe, etc.) loves us (is concerned about us), individually, which means that yes, God is into the details.

• when God/Higher Self/Soul wants to tell us something, s/he begins gently with whispers. if we don't hear, God continues to speak louder and louder until the signal becomes a heart attack or cancer or an unbalanced ecosystem. whatever it takes. it's not punishment, it's actually patience 'cause we have all the time in the world!* (if we dont get it this lifetime, there's always the next one.)

• breath is the ultimate metaphor of the universe.*

• everyone has access to the fulfillment of their heart's desire(s).

• all you can do is the best you can do. and your best is always good enough as long as you realize your best is always changing.*

• everything is ok with God all the time.* :)

• courage is not the absence of fear. it can be rage purified through the heart.*

• everything contains its opposite.* (everything/one is whole, containing the full range of possibilities, even those unexpressed.)

• the subtle rules that which has mass.* (in other words, matter is based on, structured subtle energies that can't be perceived by the usual 5 senses.)

• when another's "privacy" is a dysfunctional secret that hurts me, i get to go public with my experience (i'm not a victim).*

• what seems to work best is to focus on what you want and leave the rest be. (or as someone else put it more succinctly: what you resist, persists.)

• happiness is the best revenge! (or when "bad" things happen outside of your control, focus on what you can control, like taking good care of yourself and being of service to others which is a true joy.)

• our true nature is that we are infinite and immortal.

• if you can truly forgive yourself (by owning that you chose all the suffering you've experienced, then forgiving yourself for putting yourself through it), then we can free ourselves from the karmic loop.* (which is the point i believe jesus was trying to teach and why i'm christian.)

• sometimes things get worse before they get better.* (for instance, when i'm organizing something, usually the mess gets worse before it improves. this also applies to personal and sociological changes, imo).

• there are very few constants in the universe.* (change/entropy/chaos and Love are two i know of.)

• 3 Ms: metaphor, mirror and mystery. metaphor is an amazing teacher and everything in your world is ultimately, a mirror. mystery is important to honor, to allow, as all things are borne of the void (no thing).*

• an artist's aesthetic is visible as their physical body and their work.*

• each individual is their own ultimate authority.*

• while the golden rule (do unto others as you would have them do unto you) is a great place to start, it is important to remember that we don't all want to be treated the same way. so it's valueable to check in with the other to discover their preference.

• the combination of Truth & Love is irresistable.* (oh wait, i already said that.) the Truth without Love is too cold & heartless/dehumanizing, Love without Truth can be smothering. . .and well, it can kill you.

• there is more Truth present when opposing viewpoints are shared (without reconciliation).*

• suffering is unnecessary.*

• we are given a heart to let it break. it actually hurts worse to try to hold it together and avoid heartbreak. the more you allow it to shatter, the more Truth radiates.*

• we do what we need to learn.* (often there is something in our profession that we need to learn: caregivers need to learn to care for themselves, writers need to learn to communicate, educators need to learn how to, lol, learn, etc.)

• people are people are people.* (there are common experiences we all share regardless of race, gender, age, economic status, belief system, education, sexual preference or anything else.)

• anytime there are more than two people gathered, there are politics. we are political beings.*

• the point seems to be to make connections and let your light shine.* (matt 13:33)

• there is as much infinity inside our skin as there is outside of it.*

• being is enough.

• the heart is the seat of true wisdom.

• God wants us to experience pleasure and to have Faith in ourselves.*

• work can be very therapeutic.*

• valuing compassion keeps you honest.* (another one of those Love + Truth thangs.)

b4

2009-10-15T22:50:00.000-07:00

before i was led to the Magdalene Circle, i labeled myself a "pagan buddhist christian." here's an old myspace blog on what i'd worked out.

Friday, May 20, 2005

ramblings of a pagan buddhist christian

ok, so what kind of 'christian - other' do i mean? throughout my explorations of Truth, philosophy, life paths and theology, i've brought Jesus with me. not once has anyone ever asked me to renounce Him (which is what i was taught as a child would happen). amazingly the Truth is reflected in all faiths and my heart has called me to integrate these aspects.

PAGAN

as a child growing up in your average dysfunctional/abusive/neglectful american home, i often found sanctuary by being alone in uncultivated nature, along the creek that ran across one of the lots behind our house. nature saved me.

and the dance--sometimes on sunday mornings i would get up before anyone else, silently leave the house and dance in the street in my pj's. for the last 8 years i've gotten so much out of sweating my prayers at body choir (bodychoir.org) with my tribe. being in a body is a tremendous gift (also contrary to what i was taught in sunday school). the body has all our answers, accessible through our heart (chakra). dancing has been THE most transformational path i've come across--i can't recommend it highly enough. i've learned to be present through sensation and am continuously learning how to allow more pleasure/good things in my life.

nature and the body, are both very immediate. and the dance--humanity has danced since before time was recorded, we dance today and i believe we will always dance. it's a timeless practice that takes me to a place without time/space, a place of total connection, the deepest connection to self and the Sacred.

also i have a theory: before there was language, emotion wasn't analyzed out into glad/sad/mad but was one feeling--one passion--all ecstacy/lust/rage/joy was expressed as one >ARGH!!!< (ok, so it doesn't translate very well into type. :P) it's a strong life force current that runs through me and enables me to face whatever situation presents itself. i LOVE this expression of Spirit!

i've studied some native american practices and i have a great appreciation for their sense of the 4 directions. after my divorce, i thought the point of life was to get comfortable with freefall until my life became freefall--aaack!!!--and then i realized there IS structure i can depend on and one of these structures is the 4 directions. i've often felt that aboriginal peoples beliefs are closer to the Source in some ways, less diluted by politics and crowd control (like organized religions).

BUDDHIST

i'll never forget my first lesson of meditation from the darmadhatu center in austin. we sat. the instructor simply offered to observe the breath, watch it come and go. this only has to be (and i can't remember the exact number she gave me) 30% of your attention. other thoughts will come and go. if you find yourself running with your thoughts, simply come back to your breath. something that's come to me: that's why it's called a spiritual *practice*, 'cause you don't ever get perfect at it, you just keep practicing.

breath is the ultimate metaphor of the universe! seems like everything fits into patterns of inhale and exhale. when life feels out of balance, i look to see if i feel i need more inhale (rest/yin) or exhale (action/yang). meditation made childbirth manageable. and there is a sweet humility i've found with buddhists. when i heard the dalai lama speak in phoenix, i felt all this amazing energy enter with him, felt like a whole throng of angelic beings encircled him, and the first thing he said was, i am no different from anyone else here.

prayer is powerful and i still pray. meditation is also a powerful tool that adds serenity to my path/life. and then there's zen. not enough can be said about zen and there's nothing to be said. i love how it fully embraces mystery, absurdity, sanctity, simplicity and elegance all at once. everything is acknowledged including nothingness. helps me keep my sense o' humour. . .i tend to be way too serious when left to my natural way of being. there's just nothing like a good shot of zen.

(SIKH)

ok, lemme back track here a bit. for the longest time, when folks asked me if i was christian and then what denomination, i was at a loss for how to describe my christianity. 'esoteric' almost seemed limiting. when 'pagan buddhist christian' rolled across my consciousness, and i liked it, but since then i've wondered why 'sikh' wasn't in there. it doesn't really fit (linguistically), but i have learned so much from kundalini yoga and the sikh's as well. yogi bhajan gave us such a gift when he brought so much of the ancient wisdom of india, kundalini yoga and aeyurveda, to our country. it had been kept secret and there were consequences for what he shared. i'm grateful for his sacrifice. and for the name he gave me: gurudev kaur, which means 'princess of transparent wisdom.' waheh guru! which means 'wow God' and i love how much it sounds like alleluia!

i'm grateful for what i've learned 'bout keeping my spine healthy, about diet and some yummy recipes. and i love the men's long flowing beards and how they looked at me like i was a goddess descended from the heavens (the sikh's believe women are superior beings. . .i like the idea, but i'm not completely convinced). :) people are people are people regardless of their attributes, including gender.

CHRISTIAN

bottom line: Jesus has saved me. more than once. i would've killed myself when i was 12 if i hadn't believed i'd go straight to hell. i dunno 'bout heaven/hell anymore. . .i know this life can be either and i feel called to assist in the manifestation of heaven on earth (thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven). i've also heard that once a soul commits suicide in one lifetime, then there is a tendency to repeat that pattern. i believe we can leave strong emotional/energetic signatures that can stay with us from one life to the next. for instance, i lived in charlottesville, virginia once and hated it. i couldn't get clear on exactly why except that the architectural white columns felt oppressive. i've also lived in charleston, west virginia and i had an inexplicable and strong sense of *home* the minute i crossed state lines. these life experiences leave me wondering if i wasn't a slave in a previous life that ran to freedom in west virginia. i'm not sure it really matters. perhaps i was just sensitive to other lives that had done that and i was picking up on their energies. again, i'm not sure that it matters.

what matters is here and now, the infinite present moment. why else would we choose to exist in a dimension that has space/time? so how is it that a christian can still believe in reincarnation? here's the kicker for why, imho, Jesus is the ultimate: you see, i believe Jesus incarnated to set us free. COMPLETELY FREE. which includes political freedom ('the powers that be' by walter wink is an Excellent read), but that's not my point here. what he came to teach was unconditional Love and Forgiveness (i'm not sure 'bout the whole dying for my sins thing). IFF (if and only if) WE CAN TRULY FORGIVE THEN WE CAN STEP OUT OF THE KARMIC LOOP and we don't have to keep coming back, unless we want to.

and the person who needs the forgiveness most is--did you guess it? OURSELVES. me. you. we are here to learn to completely forgive ourselves of all the mistakes we've made or will ever make--AND to forgive ourselves for the shitty experiences we sign up for. like incarnating at all! 'cause life is suffering. there's lots of beauty, joy and yumminess along with the pain, but the pain sucks, nonetheless. there's the whole issue of separation from our maker (God) being an illusion that seems to be an inescapable intrinsic quality of this dimension (space/time), but that's another blog.

enough rambling for now. there are other influences, like rudolf steiner/anthroposophy/waldorf education, but this is more than enough for the moment. i welcome thoughts/responses/reactions/comments.

crazy visions

2009-09-30T18:36:00.000-07:00

should i start with this? such strangeness.

years ago while getting some energetic work done by an amazing healer, i had a vision of being from another planet. some who know me won't think twice about this; i'm a little odd. i've had sensations that i couldn't really explain my whole life, since i was very young, and i've wondered what they were. hard to put words to it, but it's something like things shifting from thin toothpick-like size to big, puffy marshmellow-like size, the same object, shifting back and forth, only i can feel it inside, like touch, but not with my skin. right. when i was young, i found those experiences frightening, but by the time of this healing session, i had learned to breathe through them. let them be. they're much more rare. attempting to talk about them, i put the words 'shifting dimensions' to the experience. still not sure what it is.

during this session, seeing myself on another planet, with these familiar, strange sensations, i saw how my species were naturally able to shift dimensions, so that galaxies became atoms and atoms became galaxies, seemingly traveling but really not moving, more of a contraction or an expansion. i seemed to remember a desire to travel across the same dimension, that a star had caught my eye and with adolescent wonder, determination and carelessness, i struck out across the abyss. traveling, traveling, working to maintain focus, which star was it? that one! focus, traveling, stretching, where am i? where are my edges? feeling fear and self-abandon and cold, lost. lost in the darkness for who knows how long.

then waking to a comet, catching its tail and riding, refreshed by new focus.

this was about the time of hale-bopp when i wondered how many souls may be saved from the abyss by passing comets.

so it seemed like a past life, but who knows, really. doesn't much matter if it's true or not. it illustrates experience from another perspective, another internal landscape, best not taken too seriously.

i'm really loving this new path that i started studying last april: Sophian Gnostic Christianity (magdalene-circle.org). great schtuff! can't get enough, trying not to loose my job from reading it too much at work. learning more about Christ, our true nature and True Will (Divine Will). getting interesting possible explanations for some of my strange experiences, learning kabbalah and the tree of life, wondering exactly where i've visited, what types of consciousness i've touched.

suddenly today it seemed that i must've come here, to this planet, to study to manifest/call in/allow to flow the Christ nature in me, to return home to be their Messiah.

right. not to be taken seriously.

but what if?