this is from a dream, written right after waking, dreamt after applying for jobs that i'm not sure are "right," that may require an uncomfortable adjustment for me to fit in. also this past weekend, went to a thoroughly enjoyable family reunion. so the fifties feel isn't from my history--i'm not THAT old, lol! but it's a reflection of how i imagine my parents' time and, perhaps, of what i've seen in my grandmother's, and her generation's, eyes. (i am now the age they were in the dream.)
the phrase, "the softest eyes," continues to echo in my mind.
Fifties setting, home on a hill,
physically healthy people
emotionally adjusting to
imperfect lives
--in that they
can't be themselves
--but haven't realized it yet.
Mothers making due, stretching meat over 3 or 4 meals while men make conquests of the pretty women.
Both mothers and pretty women are sad, but they're physically healthy, surviving better than the women before them. The men too.
The mothers have the softest eyes.
-.-
so that's the essential nature of the dream.
big shade trees, grassy uncurbed lawns that ramble, a slower pace, although it's a faster pace than times before. folks stretching themselves into new areas of Life that they don't know yet
--or are just realizing
are yet unsatisfying.
the mothers know. they have the softest eyes.
they don't seem happy.
that isn't the point, is it?
the point is the health, the shepherding of the youth, the trying to provide what will enable them to be happy, whatever that may be--so far out of reach in the future--so far from their mind's reach.
part of their soft gaze is that it's only partially in the present--they're doing the best they can to connect, somehow, with a happier future.
not personally, but for the youth they support.
are we any different today?
i want to have the softest eyes.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Life as The Lover
finally something to blog about. (actually still ruminating over the twilight saga; blog on that to come at some point.)
i think it was about january and the new 2012 time (although could've been months earlier, just don't remember) when i started practicing being in love without an object, a person or relationship. to cultivate that feeling, the extra juiciness that comes with being in love--i've been blessed with plenty of practice, gratefully. let's see, how many times have i been in love? not counting first grade, or any of grade school, for that matter, when there were a handful of examples, but to start counting with my "first" boyfriend, when i was allowed to date at 14. . .there have been, AT LEAST, 5 biggies, possibly more.
i know this feeling: the inherent joy from being connected with someone who feels joy from being connected with me -- and all the myriad of feelings, sensations and experiences that go with having a partner who is happy to have you as a partner. not to mention the great sex that, somehow, incomprehensibly, continues to get better with each new relationship.
which may sound like ample reason to end one relationship and wait for the next, but that's usually not the issue. and that would be a whole 'other blog.
now to bring in the zen concept of Life being a non-dual, impersonal flow. isn't this like the best love making? to rest in the sensation of being in love, then to open to all of Life and allow every sensation as a Lover's caress: sunlight on skin, breeze through hair, sweet scent of fresh air like a Lover's breath.
endless ways to be connected.
i think it was about january and the new 2012 time (although could've been months earlier, just don't remember) when i started practicing being in love without an object, a person or relationship. to cultivate that feeling, the extra juiciness that comes with being in love--i've been blessed with plenty of practice, gratefully. let's see, how many times have i been in love? not counting first grade, or any of grade school, for that matter, when there were a handful of examples, but to start counting with my "first" boyfriend, when i was allowed to date at 14. . .there have been, AT LEAST, 5 biggies, possibly more.
i know this feeling: the inherent joy from being connected with someone who feels joy from being connected with me -- and all the myriad of feelings, sensations and experiences that go with having a partner who is happy to have you as a partner. not to mention the great sex that, somehow, incomprehensibly, continues to get better with each new relationship.
which may sound like ample reason to end one relationship and wait for the next, but that's usually not the issue. and that would be a whole 'other blog.
now to bring in the zen concept of Life being a non-dual, impersonal flow. isn't this like the best love making? to rest in the sensation of being in love, then to open to all of Life and allow every sensation as a Lover's caress: sunlight on skin, breeze through hair, sweet scent of fresh air like a Lover's breath.
endless ways to be connected.
Monday, December 26, 2011
expanding acceptance
left work at 11p last night and on the drive home, felt subtly bombarded by the vast array of internal feelings. too many to get, to understand. breathed and cried and let the emotional cacophony be, focusing on the ground of being (we share) of Love. this feels, however challenging, also like good practice. eventually i arrived home and my mind was distracted by other things like fresh cool wet air and the peace of home.
this morning i had a dream full of alien content: the environment, the beings in it, my way of being were all foreign to me. and yet i was able to be loving, to wakefully care, throughout the dream, without feeling dominated by alarm. after waking, i felt a curious new harmony.
both zen and sophian gnosticism inform this perspective, this practice. it's part of what i mean when i say, "Everyone loves what does. She whispers, 'Love what doesn't.'" what does or doesn't what?! it's easy to love what makes sense, what cooperates, what agrees with our sensibilities, our preferences. the challenge is always that which opposes our preferences, our senses, our perspective on Life. this is what calls for acceptance.
and it's not like i've 'arrived,' but more like my first taste of what i will be continuing to practice. i'm sure there may be times when i fall back into alarm and rejection, but maybe even then, i can remember curiosity and compassion.
hopefully.
this morning i had a dream full of alien content: the environment, the beings in it, my way of being were all foreign to me. and yet i was able to be loving, to wakefully care, throughout the dream, without feeling dominated by alarm. after waking, i felt a curious new harmony.
both zen and sophian gnosticism inform this perspective, this practice. it's part of what i mean when i say, "Everyone loves what does. She whispers, 'Love what doesn't.'" what does or doesn't what?! it's easy to love what makes sense, what cooperates, what agrees with our sensibilities, our preferences. the challenge is always that which opposes our preferences, our senses, our perspective on Life. this is what calls for acceptance.
and it's not like i've 'arrived,' but more like my first taste of what i will be continuing to practice. i'm sure there may be times when i fall back into alarm and rejection, but maybe even then, i can remember curiosity and compassion.
hopefully.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
it was about The Code!
i will always remember how it felt, the first time i saw that scene in 'the matrix' when neo jumped into smith, broke him (everything false/oppressive) away and then, COULD SEE THE CODE! that was what i wanted so badly: TO KNOW THE CODE!!! i went home and danced for an hour. yeah.
at the time, knowing the code would mean understanding the structures that support reality, how everyone's choices intersect in ways that shape what happens in our lives--as well as understanding the other events that manifest, that appear outside of individual or group choice, like disease and natural disasters.
also at that time my son was attending a waldorf school and anthroposophy appeared to provide some of this code. it was deep and complex and i looked forward to the day when i would have the free time to immerse myself in it. i absorbed as much as i could with the time i had. unfortunately we didn't stay with the school much longer. (it's a long story.)
then i ran into some folks online, a discussion group on myspace called M.A.Y.H.E.M. some of us are still connected on facebook; awesome folk. we discussed everything there, science, faith, the meaning of life, politics, everything inside and out. the group leader had a great theory for, literally, explaining everything. various people espoused to various schools of thought as their code, but nothing was a good fit for me. and i still wanted more.
then i ran into a sophian gnostic group and studied kabbalah and suddenly Hebrew seemed like The Code! every letter representing a whole world--surely i could dive deep into this! feeling overwhelmed was ok and expected. again, i studied as much as i could and looked forward to when i would have more free time.
then i saw flint sparks speak at a workshop and started attending appamada. at an inquiry, he shared an article, 'the real path,' by norman fisher from the fall issue of 'buddhadharma.' the explanation of dukkha (often translated as 'suffering' or 'thirst') there touches this: "the profound fact that everything is not really knowable."
No! [laughs at self]
Yes. [sigh] there is a gap between What Is and what we are able to perceive. this gap, this liminal space, is beyond our reach and yet, it IS what we must explore.
so there is no code that is known, not absolutely (and anyone who claims it doesn't get it, imo). it is our life's mission to explore it and share what we find there. not to define it, to put it in a box and kill it, but to forever explore, leaving it alive and changing, this mystery forever beyond our reach.
somehow, knowing this much is satisfying. (for now.)
(and this sense, that there are events outside us that we have little to no effect on, this is an illusion. there is no me/you/in/out/us/them. there is only Life flowing and we are an expression of it; our limited awareness a part of the beauty, however bittersweet.)
at the time, knowing the code would mean understanding the structures that support reality, how everyone's choices intersect in ways that shape what happens in our lives--as well as understanding the other events that manifest, that appear outside of individual or group choice, like disease and natural disasters.
also at that time my son was attending a waldorf school and anthroposophy appeared to provide some of this code. it was deep and complex and i looked forward to the day when i would have the free time to immerse myself in it. i absorbed as much as i could with the time i had. unfortunately we didn't stay with the school much longer. (it's a long story.)
then i ran into some folks online, a discussion group on myspace called M.A.Y.H.E.M. some of us are still connected on facebook; awesome folk. we discussed everything there, science, faith, the meaning of life, politics, everything inside and out. the group leader had a great theory for, literally, explaining everything. various people espoused to various schools of thought as their code, but nothing was a good fit for me. and i still wanted more.
then i ran into a sophian gnostic group and studied kabbalah and suddenly Hebrew seemed like The Code! every letter representing a whole world--surely i could dive deep into this! feeling overwhelmed was ok and expected. again, i studied as much as i could and looked forward to when i would have more free time.
then i saw flint sparks speak at a workshop and started attending appamada. at an inquiry, he shared an article, 'the real path,' by norman fisher from the fall issue of 'buddhadharma.' the explanation of dukkha (often translated as 'suffering' or 'thirst') there touches this: "the profound fact that everything is not really knowable."
No! [laughs at self]
Yes. [sigh] there is a gap between What Is and what we are able to perceive. this gap, this liminal space, is beyond our reach and yet, it IS what we must explore.
so there is no code that is known, not absolutely (and anyone who claims it doesn't get it, imo). it is our life's mission to explore it and share what we find there. not to define it, to put it in a box and kill it, but to forever explore, leaving it alive and changing, this mystery forever beyond our reach.
somehow, knowing this much is satisfying. (for now.)
(and this sense, that there are events outside us that we have little to no effect on, this is an illusion. there is no me/you/in/out/us/them. there is only Life flowing and we are an expression of it; our limited awareness a part of the beauty, however bittersweet.)
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
simply
the stories we have about ourselves and others, everything we think, none of it is real. these are things that run through us but are not the ground of our being. our true nature is Christ, is Buddha, is Love.
we are ok as we are even though we don't believe it and everyone else is ok too, even though we don't like it. and all is changing and then changing more in response to those changes. and--
"VAST is the robe of liberation
a formless field of BENEFACTION
wearing the UNIVERSAL teaching
i realize the ONE true nature
thus harmonizing all BEING" ~appamada (emphasis/caps mine)
i like to get these concepts into one place, for easy reference and reminding. from today's inquiry.
and from today's (11.30.11) zen discussion group--the stories we have of ourselves aren't true, while the effect we have on others, that they share, is true.
we are ok as we are even though we don't believe it and everyone else is ok too, even though we don't like it. and all is changing and then changing more in response to those changes. and--
"VAST is the robe of liberation
a formless field of BENEFACTION
wearing the UNIVERSAL teaching
i realize the ONE true nature
thus harmonizing all BEING" ~appamada (emphasis/caps mine)
i like to get these concepts into one place, for easy reference and reminding. from today's inquiry.
and from today's (11.30.11) zen discussion group--the stories we have of ourselves aren't true, while the effect we have on others, that they share, is true.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
waking slowly
a few years back i discovered how subtly wonderful it is to wake when i'm finished sleeping. so simple and yet it adds SO much quality to my day and my Life experience. i'm not so much attached to wanting a lifestyle where i don't ever need to set an alarm, because i like a variety of experiences. especially since waking with an alarm makes the other wakings when it isn't necessary even more sweet.
part of the experience is rolling over and going back to sleep until i'm really ready to get up. and sometimes laying there, wondering, about all kinds of things, including (but not limited to) if it's time to get up. such freedom! such ease and peace.
then this week, i was inspired to get up, perhaps a li'l early, perhaps before i'm completely 'awake,' and then sit for 1/2 an hour. i'm REALLY liking this. i've had a hard time getting a sitting routine going, especially since my work/school schedule is so strange (not the typical m-f, 8-5). i know i'm not the only one, so it's not a guilt thing, necessarily, but it's still something i want to do.
so getting up and sitting is really working. it's lovely and sweet.
and i've also been enjoying working in the recumbent bike exercise too, while reading zen material. which made me laught at myself the other day, when i finally got it, how 'unzen' that is, lol. not that i'm going to stop or change it. i need the exercise and i want to read zen material, so for now, that combination is working. at some future point, it may shift/change.
but getting back to the 'waking slowly' thought, i'm sure you're not missing the metaphor here. what comes to mind is something about how slow seems more thorough, how i believe it's important to explore one's own rhythm and work in harmony with it, to be harmless (nonviolent) with self as well as with others.
so this rhythm of waking and sitting feels very peaceful. leaving the 'beating myself up to get a new habit' behind even further. gratefulness!
part of the experience is rolling over and going back to sleep until i'm really ready to get up. and sometimes laying there, wondering, about all kinds of things, including (but not limited to) if it's time to get up. such freedom! such ease and peace.
then this week, i was inspired to get up, perhaps a li'l early, perhaps before i'm completely 'awake,' and then sit for 1/2 an hour. i'm REALLY liking this. i've had a hard time getting a sitting routine going, especially since my work/school schedule is so strange (not the typical m-f, 8-5). i know i'm not the only one, so it's not a guilt thing, necessarily, but it's still something i want to do.
so getting up and sitting is really working. it's lovely and sweet.
and i've also been enjoying working in the recumbent bike exercise too, while reading zen material. which made me laught at myself the other day, when i finally got it, how 'unzen' that is, lol. not that i'm going to stop or change it. i need the exercise and i want to read zen material, so for now, that combination is working. at some future point, it may shift/change.
but getting back to the 'waking slowly' thought, i'm sure you're not missing the metaphor here. what comes to mind is something about how slow seems more thorough, how i believe it's important to explore one's own rhythm and work in harmony with it, to be harmless (nonviolent) with self as well as with others.
so this rhythm of waking and sitting feels very peaceful. leaving the 'beating myself up to get a new habit' behind even further. gratefulness!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
weekend rocked this world!
this past weekend was amazing--with both a hakomi training and tau malachi and sister sarah visiting magdalene circle! very full days of wonderful, wonderful schtuff!
here are some brief words for part of the experience, specifically with malachi and sarah--
Words Surfacing after First Wonderworking
Darkness and light
Scent and silence
an empty fullness
speech, prayer and chant. harmonies.
Calling in Oneness by speaking of dualism--
Reverberations, thunderous and profound!
Invitation and empowerment
in the Tower of the Flock.
bitter drowning,
tastes of fire and light,
whispered prayers throughout
senses touched both gently and abrupt,
embracing ALL
in this--at long last!--homecoming
(bittersweet hint of things to come)
here are some brief words for part of the experience, specifically with malachi and sarah--
Words Surfacing after First Wonderworking
Darkness and light
Scent and silence
an empty fullness
speech, prayer and chant. harmonies.
Calling in Oneness by speaking of dualism--
Reverberations, thunderous and profound!
Invitation and empowerment
in the Tower of the Flock.
bitter drowning,
tastes of fire and light,
whispered prayers throughout
senses touched both gently and abrupt,
embracing ALL
in this--at long last!--homecoming
(bittersweet hint of things to come)
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