i used to dream of whales a lot. at least i interpreted the images as whales. i would find myself swimming in a deep body of water, not an ocean, more like a lake, and there would be very large beings, shadows, swimming beneath me. felt sorta scary.
at the time, in my 20s, i interpreted those dreams as a deeper part of myself communicating with me and took it to a very literal place, thinking i needed to deep sea dive with whales. i've always felt a connection with whales, studying them in my free time in grade school. once i saw an imax film on whales and cried through the whole thing. tears of longing. strange, but real. i would still like to deep sea dive with whales, but i think there was more to the dream.
thought bout studying marine biology but that didn't happen. too easily discouraged by a stranger with initials behind his name. these things happen and then we learn. in recent months i painted my room colors i find soothing, that turned out very watery. the wall with a window, opposite the door/entrance, is a deep blue and the other three walls are a pale green, only slightly darker than light through coke bottle glass or probably, similar to light in shallow ocean water. then aqua curtains fit really well and now my room has a ocean quality. good for day sleeping too (since i work nights).
since those times (20s) i've been diving deeper, exploring internal realities, curious bout the structures that our external, shared reality is based on. learning. . .how is it that i can work on my internal issues and my external reality shifts so drastically? how is it that, sometimes, there are no external changes and yet, everything seems so very different?
i've been grateful to live with this "magic" for well over a decade. something i learned before my son was born: there's nothing in the universe you can love or hate that isn't reflecting back to you something you love/hate about yourself. work that mirror! the results are amazing, nothing short of miraculous! sometimes it's about clearing, sometimes healing and somethings accepting or making peace with What Is. in each case, something that troubled me, i became free of. cleared out pet peeves to start. so nice to be rid of those nuisances.
it's a nice tool.
so recently, when some spiritual friends online suggested i "live within," my response was, "what?! i already live within!" i was caught off guard. i meditate, i pray throughout the day, i contemplate. what are they talking about?!
but i had been posting on some social struggles, in this case gender-based, and even though i was owning my issues, i was getting the 'living within' feedback. ok, clearly time to dive deeper.
that's the thing--there's no limit. there's always more! so we're gifted with this amazing tool (mirror) and there's no end to how we can contemplate what we're being shown.
also a few years ago, while recovering from the WV experience (2001) and not knowing what i wanted, for anything, i wondered what my inner child would want. seemed at the time like she might have more of a clue than i could see. what i'm getting with this recent feedback is that--i used to live more within, like it was a natural state as a child, but when my reality was not only not affirmed but distorted by feedback from my caregivers, i was frightened and didn't know what was real, didn't feel real. over the years since, i've healed and learned good resources, if/when i need to check on What's Real, so i can release this fear. i think it was this old, no longer needed fear that prompted me to post recently about my social struggles.
now i'm free to return to a more natural state: living within. i can breathe much easier now. i feel renewed at a primal level. there's a deeper peace that i didn't even know. . .was possible or that was lacking. . .that has been calling me, but my consciousness wasn't understanding.
growing my ears, lol. my stepfather would now make a joke bout Lutherans and their big ears, lol!
sweet laughter on the path of learning. perhaps i may deep sea dive with whales one day, but if not, there is another experience that calls to me, more strongly.
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