the softest eyes

this is from a dream, written right after waking, dreamt after applying for jobs that i'm not sure are "right," that may require an uncomfortable adjustment for me to fit in. also this past weekend, went to a thoroughly enjoyable family reunion. so the fifties feel isn't from my history--i'm not THAT old, lol! but it's a reflection of how i imagine my parents' time and, perhaps, of what i've seen in my grandmother's, and her generation's, eyes. (i am now the age they were in the dream.)

the phrase, "the softest eyes," continues to echo in my mind.

Fifties setting, home on a hill,
physically healthy people
emotionally adjusting to
imperfect lives
--in that they
can't be themselves
--but haven't realized it yet.

Mothers making due, stretching meat over 3 or 4 meals while men make conquests of the pretty women.

Both mothers and pretty women are sad, but they're physically healthy, surviving better than the women before them. The men too.

The mothers have the softest eyes.

-.-

so that's the essential nature of the dream.

big shade trees, grassy uncurbed lawns that ramble, a slower pace, although it's a faster pace than times before. folks stretching themselves into new areas of Life that they don't know yet
--or are just realizing
are yet unsatisfying.

the mothers know. they have the softest eyes.

they don't seem happy.

that isn't the point, is it?

the point is the health, the shepherding of the youth, the trying to provide what will enable them to be happy, whatever that may be--so far out of reach in the future--so far from their mind's reach.

part of their soft gaze is that it's only partially in the present--they're doing the best they can to connect, somehow, with a happier future.

not personally, but for the youth they support.

are we any different today?

i want to have the softest eyes.

Life as The Lover

finally something to blog about. (actually still ruminating over the twilight saga; blog on that to come at some point.)

i think it was about january and the new 2012 time (although could've been months earlier, just don't remember) when i started practicing being in love without an object, a person or relationship. to cultivate that feeling, the extra juiciness that comes with being in love--i've been blessed with plenty of practice, gratefully. let's see, how many times have i been in love? not counting first grade, or any of grade school, for that matter, when there were a handful of examples, but to start counting with my "first" boyfriend, when i was allowed to date at 14. . .there have been, AT LEAST, 5 biggies, possibly more.

i know this feeling: the inherent joy from being connected with someone who feels joy from being connected with me -- and all the myriad of feelings, sensations and experiences that go with having a partner who is happy to have you as a partner. not to mention the great sex that, somehow, incomprehensibly, continues to get better with each new relationship.

which may sound like ample reason to end one relationship and wait for the next, but that's usually not the issue. and that would be a whole 'other blog.

now to bring in the zen concept of Life being a non-dual, impersonal flow. isn't this like the best love making? to rest in the sensation of being in love, then to open to all of Life and allow every sensation as a Lover's caress: sunlight on skin, breeze through hair, sweet scent of fresh air like a Lover's breath.

endless ways to be connected.

expanding acceptance

left work at 11p last night and on the drive home, felt subtly bombarded by the vast array of internal feelings. too many to get, to understand. breathed and cried and let the emotional cacophony be, focusing on the ground of being (we share) of Love. this feels, however challenging, also like good practice. eventually i arrived home and my mind was distracted by other things like fresh cool wet air and the peace of home.

this morning i had a dream full of alien content: the environment, the beings in it, my way of being were all foreign to me. and yet i was able to be loving, to wakefully care, throughout the dream, without feeling dominated by alarm. after waking, i felt a curious new harmony.

both zen and sophian gnosticism inform this perspective, this practice. it's part of what i mean when i say, "Everyone loves what does. She whispers, 'Love what doesn't.'" what does or doesn't what?! it's easy to love what makes sense, what cooperates, what agrees with our sensibilities, our preferences. the challenge is always that which opposes our preferences, our senses, our perspective on Life. this is what calls for acceptance.

and it's not like i've 'arrived,' but more like my first taste of what i will be continuing to practice. i'm sure there may be times when i fall back into alarm and rejection, but maybe even then, i can remember curiosity and compassion.

hopefully.

it was about The Code!

i will always remember how it felt, the first time i saw that scene in 'the matrix' when neo jumped into smith, broke him (everything false/oppressive) away and then, COULD SEE THE CODE! that was what i wanted so badly: TO KNOW THE CODE!!! i went home and danced for an hour. yeah.

at the time, knowing the code would mean understanding the structures that support reality, how everyone's choices intersect in ways that shape what happens in our lives--as well as understanding the other events that manifest, that appear outside of individual or group choice, like disease and natural disasters.

also at that time my son was attending a waldorf school and anthroposophy appeared to provide some of this code. it was deep and complex and i looked forward to the day when i would have the free time to immerse myself in it. i absorbed as much as i could with the time i had. unfortunately we didn't stay with the school much longer. (it's a long story.)

then i ran into some folks online, a discussion group on myspace called M.A.Y.H.E.M. some of us are still connected on facebook; awesome folk. we discussed everything there, science, faith, the meaning of life, politics, everything inside and out. the group leader had a great theory for, literally, explaining everything. various people espoused to various schools of thought as their code, but nothing was a good fit for me. and i still wanted more.

then i ran into a sophian gnostic group and studied kabbalah and suddenly Hebrew seemed like The Code! every letter representing a whole world--surely i could dive deep into this! feeling overwhelmed was ok and expected. again, i studied as much as i could and looked forward to when i would have more free time.

then i saw flint sparks speak at a workshop and started attending appamada. at an inquiry, he shared an article, 'the real path,' by norman fisher from the fall issue of 'buddhadharma.' the explanation of dukkha (often translated as 'suffering' or 'thirst') there touches this: "the profound fact that everything is not really knowable."

No! [laughs at self]

Yes. [sigh] there is a gap between What Is and what we are able to perceive. this gap, this liminal space, is beyond our reach and yet, it IS what we must explore.

so there is no code that is known, not absolutely (and anyone who claims it doesn't get it, imo). it is our life's mission to explore it and share what we find there. not to define it, to put it in a box and kill it, but to forever explore, leaving it alive and changing, this mystery forever beyond our reach.

somehow, knowing this much is satisfying. (for now.)

(and this sense, that there are events outside us that we have little to no effect on, this is an illusion. there is no me/you/in/out/us/them. there is only Life flowing and we are an expression of it; our limited awareness a part of the beauty, however bittersweet.)

simply

the stories we have about ourselves and others, everything we think, none of it is real. these are things that run through us but are not the ground of our being. our true nature is Christ, is Buddha, is Love.

we are ok as we are even though we don't believe it and everyone else is ok too, even though we don't like it. and all is changing and then changing more in response to those changes. and--

"VAST is the robe of liberation
a formless field of BENEFACTION
wearing the UNIVERSAL teaching
i realize the ONE true nature
thus harmonizing all BEING" ~appamada (emphasis/caps mine)

i like to get these concepts into one place, for easy reference and reminding. from today's inquiry.

and from today's (11.30.11) zen discussion group--the stories we have of ourselves aren't true, while the effect we have on others, that they share, is true.

waking slowly

a few years back i discovered how subtly wonderful it is to wake when i'm finished sleeping. so simple and yet it adds SO much quality to my day and my Life experience. i'm not so much attached to wanting a lifestyle where i don't ever need to set an alarm, because i like a variety of experiences. especially since waking with an alarm makes the other wakings when it isn't necessary even more sweet.

part of the experience is rolling over and going back to sleep until i'm really ready to get up. and sometimes laying there, wondering, about all kinds of things, including (but not limited to) if it's time to get up. such freedom! such ease and peace.

then this week, i was inspired to get up, perhaps a li'l early, perhaps before i'm completely 'awake,' and then sit for 1/2 an hour. i'm REALLY liking this. i've had a hard time getting a sitting routine going, especially since my work/school schedule is so strange (not the typical m-f, 8-5). i know i'm not the only one, so it's not a guilt thing, necessarily, but it's still something i want to do.

so getting up and sitting is really working. it's lovely and sweet.

and i've also been enjoying working in the recumbent bike exercise too, while reading zen material. which made me laught at myself the other day, when i finally got it, how 'unzen' that is, lol. not that i'm going to stop or change it. i need the exercise and i want to read zen material, so for now, that combination is working. at some future point, it may shift/change.

but getting back to the 'waking slowly' thought, i'm sure you're not missing the metaphor here. what comes to mind is something about how slow seems more thorough, how i believe it's important to explore one's own rhythm and work in harmony with it, to be harmless (nonviolent) with self as well as with others.

so this rhythm of waking and sitting feels very peaceful. leaving the 'beating myself up to get a new habit' behind even further. gratefulness!

weekend rocked this world!

this past weekend was amazing--with both a hakomi training and tau malachi and sister sarah visiting magdalene circle! very full days of wonderful, wonderful schtuff!

here are some brief words for part of the experience, specifically with malachi and sarah--


Words Surfacing after First Wonderworking

Darkness and light
Scent and silence
an empty fullness
speech, prayer and chant. harmonies.
Calling in Oneness by speaking of dualism--
Reverberations, thunderous and profound!

Invitation and empowerment
in the Tower of the Flock.
bitter drowning,
tastes of fire and light,
whispered prayers throughout
senses touched both gently and abrupt,
embracing ALL
in this--at long last!--homecoming
(bittersweet hint of things to come)

another view of the whole

ok, so maybe this is obvious: everything is everything.

even the most wonderful thing is lame to someone. even the most lame thing is wonderful to someone. lately i've been telling people, "everything (art) has an audience."

probably nothing is all lame or all wonderful. so we can do our best and then trust that it will have an audience that thinks it's wonderful and some who think it's lame.

hopefully more of the former, right?! i mean, it's human to want to be received well. and it's important to have the courage of expression too.

similarly, some will already know this and it will be new to others.

i'm still learning.

this easter, i will sit

i wonder what it would be like to be unanxious. about anything. to not have some issue that is so pressing, so urgent, that it wouldn't affect my every moment.

i get glimpses when sitting, especially with others. this morning, i'm going to sit at appamada.

i get glimpses in hakomi training. the space created there is what i've been waiting for my whole life: no rush, a lot of quiet, loving kindness as the foundation of shared social space, gentle nonviolence. ok, maybe 'gentle nonviolence' seems redundant, but i've been with 'nonviolent' people who weren't gentle. there are degrees.

the kingdom of heaven is within (thank you, tolstoy). i think sitting will be the best way to celebrate easter this year.

dream from day sleeping

with my odd work/school schedule, several days/week i sleep during the day. it's a different quality of sleep, as you might imagine, from sleeping at night. and sometimes my dreams are more scattered but sometimes they're more vivid and clear.

this good friday afternoon, i dreamt that austin, downtown, had this wonderful center of a fountain and a amphitheatre. in perfect dream logic, it was nothing like austin and there was no river running through it (love that phrase, lol). in front of the amphitheatre, which was above ground, the fountains were in an large, circular opening, bricked, below ground, with steps down to the center, organically shaped and asymmetrical. the fountains shot out from the top toward the center. it was much prettier than i can describe.

these two areas were for baptisms and other spiritual celebrations. surrounding it was a park and different churches, that shared these spaces. the internal fountain space was mostly used by gnostics and baptists for full immersion baptisms. the above ground amphitheatre was used by lutherans and other churches for baptisms using drops on the head. everyone loved the spaces and loved sharing them. there were people about, dressed in robes, singing and praising God. strangely, i'm not sure i could hear them, now that i'm looking back. reminds me of when i watch music television with the sound off (which i often do), lol.

also in this dream reality, everyone was cared for. no one was homeless or neglected. not saying there wasn't conflict, but everyone wanted everyone's basic needs to be met. they just decided and did it.

so, as i wondered how they paid for this wonderful, spiritual celebration space (which was also used for "nonspiritual" events, if there is such a thing), it was very simple: they just decided to. as i tried to figure that all out. . .comparing to this reality's history, etc. . .it all seemed possible.

that's the thing: it is possible, we just have to decide to do it.

notes from today's inquiry 04.19.11

tuesdays 1230p, appamada.org

"you cannot hinder enlightenment," possibly paraphrased, written by a well-known zen teacher who i haven't learned his name yet, in a letter he wrote to a student, somewhere in the middle. i burst into tears. such sweetness, after growing up in the mindset of original sin and how, at our core, we are evil. i don't know about that, but i know we are human and that includes buddha-nature.

my mind went blank right before i asked to hear more about taking refuge. that is it! where did my mind go? i don't know--that is it! this is something i can trust.

there is no separation between this moment and what is desired (refuge).

enlightenment is meeting each moment wholeheartedly, with intimacy, as we are. just this moment.

we are always connected to infinite resource (never alone).

what can be hard to remember (or easily forgotten)

when faced with connecting with others i don't feel safe with, even in the most subtle way, i tend to freeze and do my version of a *deer in the headlights.* at best. at worst, i pretend the other person doesn't exist, which is foolish and does no one any good. generally i'm at a loss for what to do. the feeling of not being safe is based on a past experience and i get stuck (caught).

while i'm clear it's not who i want to be, this frozen in time person who isn't available, present-tense, i also feel lost. like my mind can't think of any other way to be.

the key is loving kindness, to be in a space of loving kindness and offer it to those i meet. this is an opportunity to practice embodying Christ, to be open to the flow of loving kindness. as i often like to reflect, what would Mary Magdalene do? to be empty of history and present to this moment.

there is safety in this emptiness and loving kindness.

something to remember. grateful for teachers, like tau +malachi, who remind me.

whatcha git

learned a new parenting phrase a coupla weeks ago:

you get what you get so don't throw a fit. (round here that'd be pronounced, yew git whatchu git n doan throw a fit.)

i think i like it. a lot.

i can imagine parents facing the age old struggle of attempting to keep pace with their children wanting to keep up with the latest fads, whether clothing or gadgetry. there's an opportunity to teach that Life's not about the things we buy, which can sometimes be a hard lesson, especially if/when the surrounding culture pushes consumerism. heck, lotsa adults struggle with this one, myself included.

what i like about it is that it speaks to starting from where you are. i can so easily complain about my background, whether about the abuse/neglect or bout growing up in a small town and the lack of exposure that can broadened one's perspective and offer challenges that can bring out the best in children, if they're supported. or the lack of funding, practically my whole life, the struggles of single parenthood, blah, blah, blah. it's never ending. but taking an inventory of the shortcomings of our past doesn't really benefit us. well, maybe once to raise our awareness, especially if we wanna do better for our children, but certainly ruminating over it doesn't help.

and this was similar to my son's response. my son, who's 19 and no longer needs my mothering, but it's sure nice having him around to have these kinds of conversations with, as well as others. initially he didn't like the phrase cause it sounded to him like there's no way to improve one's situation. i replied that i didn't think it meant that, only that belly achin bout it doesn't help anything.

we get what we get. and then we can move on from there, with choices from a range of almost infinite directions, one small step at a time. (which leads us to other parental phrases, lol.)

OR not.

an online friend shared with me how a parent used this phrase as part of their abuse, so it doesn't work for everyone. any phrase can be ruined that way, sadly.

today's short thought

Life (existence) is a rhetorical question.

RIM quote, re: the urban mystic

"The Urban Mystic serves as an awakened antibody in the bloodstream of humanity. Rather than avoiding the world, this being chooses to function and thrive within its marrow. Not caught in duality, this mystic remains aware of multiple dimensions of reality. The Urban Mystic sees the suffering existing alongside beauty and compassion. This being lives poised between the worlds aware of the Reality beyond opposites." ~Rosamonde Ikshvàku Miller (facebook.com/#!/rosamonde, gnosticsanctuary.org)

so grateful for rosamonde's inspiration and how she points the way. this sagittarius very much appreciates a clear target!

9 line toast

here's a toast that came to me for my birthday celebration last night (@ blackstar.coop). the chorus is said loudly, in rhythm, by everyone, then an individual shouts the in between phrases, also in rhythm.

(CHORUS:) ENLIGHTENMENT & LIBERATION!!!

(individual shouts): by the path you choose!

ENLIGHTENMENT & LIBERATION!!!

that there may be peace!

ENLIGHTENMENT & LIBERATION!!!

full awareness and freedom!

ENLIGHTENMENT & LIBERATION!!!

for ALL without exception!

ENLIGHTENMENT & LIBERATION!!!
(then everyone cheers!)

this was the toast we said this evening--great fun!

another 9: 3 leos, 3 RNs, 3 publishers (folks who work in publishing). my birthdays often have interesting 9 phenomena. it's also the 9th anniversary of the WV wreck (that could have killed me). so 3 9s. sweet!

Appamada

sweet zen center in austin (appamada.org) named for Buddha's last words, interpretted as "wakeful caring." LOVE sitting with them!

also love their 4 principles:

Caught in the self-centered dream, only suffering;
holding to self-centered thoughts, exactly the dream;
each moment, life as it is, the only teacher;
being just this moment, compassion’s way.


-.-

so clean, so empty, so restful. a wonderful place to dwell, full of potential.

labeling myself zen gnostic now :)

this morning's prayer

worked the overnight shift last night, so this is the prayer that happened as i drifted off to sleep bout 8a--

Holy One,
i am a child, innocent and ignorant. please gently open my awareness, dissolve my ignorance so that i may serve as your tool, to alleviate suffering and point to your true light.

help me to follow the true light (not to get lost like a bug zooming round a parking lot lamp post). for the enlightenment and liberation of all, without exception--

in the name of Logos, Christos & Sophia, Amen.

october as a window

i was blessed with studying with a wise sikh woman when i lived in phoenix, sangeet khalsa. loved her eastern/new jersey-ish accent. actually can't remember where she was from, so it may've been a new york accent, my ear is not that sophisticated.

she lead women's yoga (plus other topics) classes that were wonderful, enlightening and nourishing. wait! maybe she has a website! i bet she may still be teaching them. . .yes, womanheart was the name of the class. her site is healingsource.com and here's a quote i MUST post--

"From the beginning of time women have gathered together to build and hold sacred energy, to pray for their loved ones, to exchange wisdom and to celebrate all aspects of life. They sat around camp fires, met at all sorts of social events, helped each other with the birthing process and supported each other as the role of modern women expanded in business and public service. When women gather, the heart of this world grows brighter."

such a wonderful teacher!

part of what i learned from her was a bit of ayurvedic numerology, which considers every october a window on the upcoming year. it's just a peak, maybe holding some clues, maybe a bit of grace to help us prepare for what's ahead.

i've always looked at it, also, as a time to attract what i want to manifest in the upcoming year. for instance, when i was single, i made sure to go on some dates. didn't matter if they were hugely successful because during the following year, not only did i date, but there was usually a good relationship that came out of it. there's also putting extra attention into diet and exercise, making sure i get plenty of rest and maybe have a tiny vacation experience, get a massage, those kinds of things.

it's an interesting way to experience time, to weave reality. time & reality aren't linear anyway, so october is an opportunity to entertain all kinds of possibilities.

blessings! :)

highlights of the weekend vacation, 8/2010

(originally written as a facebook note, i hope to write more on this weekend soon.)

you could think of these as the series of updates i might've posted, if i'd been online.

or not ;)P

wonderfully cool weather with sunshine. sweet mildness and people watching while serenely waiting for a ride from the airport.

great to see my cousin, kristin, and get a taste of her mundane life--which is the most exquisite way to interact with someone, really. went grocery shopping, said hello to her boys, met her cats, swung in the porch swing, walked through gardens (then the sun was hot). . .but not necessarily in that order, lol.

sweet evening coolness with windows open. watched a sketchy movie, wonderful experience of getting every other word (due to technical difficulties, ha ha ha ha).

great to be joined by two more cousins, sisters rachel & sarah, then off to enjoy the drive through napa valley to indian springs spa. oh. my. goodness. heaven on earth! swimming in naturally warmed mineral water pool, then a salt scrub/body polish with massage--all with these amazingly wonderful smells--then quietness by the "buddha pool." "phenomenologically outstanding" doesn't touch it.

indian springs spa is so sublimely sweet (again, words fail). http://www.indianspringscalistoga.com/spa/

then delicious window seat in a lovely cafe eating homemade pasta and drinking smoky wine. yum!

oh and sunday! sunday--enjoyed some sweet solitude as drove to visit the gnostic sanctuary. http://www.gnosticsanctuary.org/ all tucked away, seeking part of finding it, beautiful colors, beautiful space, beautiful intoxicating scents. bishop rosamonde miller is amazing, with energies that my mouth is unable to describe. brought to tears just arriving, just being there and during the Eucharist. the most profound ritual i've ever experienced, hands down. then delicious conversation over a yummy lunch--SO very grateful--thank you!!!

completed the circle on the drive back. more sweet cousin visitings in cool weather. not much sleep.

they sell emergenC packets at the airport! yes, this may just be a world i can live in ;)

then sweating the minute the plane lands in austin, lol! it's freakin hot here!!! suddenly i've lost what li'l acclimation i had to this weather and miss northern california like it was my home.

i will be back :)