waking slowly

a few years back i discovered how subtly wonderful it is to wake when i'm finished sleeping. so simple and yet it adds SO much quality to my day and my Life experience. i'm not so much attached to wanting a lifestyle where i don't ever need to set an alarm, because i like a variety of experiences. especially since waking with an alarm makes the other wakings when it isn't necessary even more sweet.

part of the experience is rolling over and going back to sleep until i'm really ready to get up. and sometimes laying there, wondering, about all kinds of things, including (but not limited to) if it's time to get up. such freedom! such ease and peace.

then this week, i was inspired to get up, perhaps a li'l early, perhaps before i'm completely 'awake,' and then sit for 1/2 an hour. i'm REALLY liking this. i've had a hard time getting a sitting routine going, especially since my work/school schedule is so strange (not the typical m-f, 8-5). i know i'm not the only one, so it's not a guilt thing, necessarily, but it's still something i want to do.

so getting up and sitting is really working. it's lovely and sweet.

and i've also been enjoying working in the recumbent bike exercise too, while reading zen material. which made me laught at myself the other day, when i finally got it, how 'unzen' that is, lol. not that i'm going to stop or change it. i need the exercise and i want to read zen material, so for now, that combination is working. at some future point, it may shift/change.

but getting back to the 'waking slowly' thought, i'm sure you're not missing the metaphor here. what comes to mind is something about how slow seems more thorough, how i believe it's important to explore one's own rhythm and work in harmony with it, to be harmless (nonviolent) with self as well as with others.

so this rhythm of waking and sitting feels very peaceful. leaving the 'beating myself up to get a new habit' behind even further. gratefulness!

weekend rocked this world!

this past weekend was amazing--with both a hakomi training and tau malachi and sister sarah visiting magdalene circle! very full days of wonderful, wonderful schtuff!

here are some brief words for part of the experience, specifically with malachi and sarah--


Words Surfacing after First Wonderworking

Darkness and light
Scent and silence
an empty fullness
speech, prayer and chant. harmonies.
Calling in Oneness by speaking of dualism--
Reverberations, thunderous and profound!

Invitation and empowerment
in the Tower of the Flock.
bitter drowning,
tastes of fire and light,
whispered prayers throughout
senses touched both gently and abrupt,
embracing ALL
in this--at long last!--homecoming
(bittersweet hint of things to come)

another view of the whole

ok, so maybe this is obvious: everything is everything.

even the most wonderful thing is lame to someone. even the most lame thing is wonderful to someone. lately i've been telling people, "everything (art) has an audience."

probably nothing is all lame or all wonderful. so we can do our best and then trust that it will have an audience that thinks it's wonderful and some who think it's lame.

hopefully more of the former, right?! i mean, it's human to want to be received well. and it's important to have the courage of expression too.

similarly, some will already know this and it will be new to others.

i'm still learning.

this easter, i will sit

i wonder what it would be like to be unanxious. about anything. to not have some issue that is so pressing, so urgent, that it wouldn't affect my every moment.

i get glimpses when sitting, especially with others. this morning, i'm going to sit at appamada.

i get glimpses in hakomi training. the space created there is what i've been waiting for my whole life: no rush, a lot of quiet, loving kindness as the foundation of shared social space, gentle nonviolence. ok, maybe 'gentle nonviolence' seems redundant, but i've been with 'nonviolent' people who weren't gentle. there are degrees.

the kingdom of heaven is within (thank you, tolstoy). i think sitting will be the best way to celebrate easter this year.

dream from day sleeping

with my odd work/school schedule, several days/week i sleep during the day. it's a different quality of sleep, as you might imagine, from sleeping at night. and sometimes my dreams are more scattered but sometimes they're more vivid and clear.

this good friday afternoon, i dreamt that austin, downtown, had this wonderful center of a fountain and a amphitheatre. in perfect dream logic, it was nothing like austin and there was no river running through it (love that phrase, lol). in front of the amphitheatre, which was above ground, the fountains were in an large, circular opening, bricked, below ground, with steps down to the center, organically shaped and asymmetrical. the fountains shot out from the top toward the center. it was much prettier than i can describe.

these two areas were for baptisms and other spiritual celebrations. surrounding it was a park and different churches, that shared these spaces. the internal fountain space was mostly used by gnostics and baptists for full immersion baptisms. the above ground amphitheatre was used by lutherans and other churches for baptisms using drops on the head. everyone loved the spaces and loved sharing them. there were people about, dressed in robes, singing and praising God. strangely, i'm not sure i could hear them, now that i'm looking back. reminds me of when i watch music television with the sound off (which i often do), lol.

also in this dream reality, everyone was cared for. no one was homeless or neglected. not saying there wasn't conflict, but everyone wanted everyone's basic needs to be met. they just decided and did it.

so, as i wondered how they paid for this wonderful, spiritual celebration space (which was also used for "nonspiritual" events, if there is such a thing), it was very simple: they just decided to. as i tried to figure that all out. . .comparing to this reality's history, etc. . .it all seemed possible.

that's the thing: it is possible, we just have to decide to do it.

notes from today's inquiry 04.19.11

tuesdays 1230p, appamada.org

"you cannot hinder enlightenment," possibly paraphrased, written by a well-known zen teacher who i haven't learned his name yet, in a letter he wrote to a student, somewhere in the middle. i burst into tears. such sweetness, after growing up in the mindset of original sin and how, at our core, we are evil. i don't know about that, but i know we are human and that includes buddha-nature.

my mind went blank right before i asked to hear more about taking refuge. that is it! where did my mind go? i don't know--that is it! this is something i can trust.

there is no separation between this moment and what is desired (refuge).

enlightenment is meeting each moment wholeheartedly, with intimacy, as we are. just this moment.

we are always connected to infinite resource (never alone).

what can be hard to remember (or easily forgotten)

when faced with connecting with others i don't feel safe with, even in the most subtle way, i tend to freeze and do my version of a *deer in the headlights.* at best. at worst, i pretend the other person doesn't exist, which is foolish and does no one any good. generally i'm at a loss for what to do. the feeling of not being safe is based on a past experience and i get stuck (caught).

while i'm clear it's not who i want to be, this frozen in time person who isn't available, present-tense, i also feel lost. like my mind can't think of any other way to be.

the key is loving kindness, to be in a space of loving kindness and offer it to those i meet. this is an opportunity to practice embodying Christ, to be open to the flow of loving kindness. as i often like to reflect, what would Mary Magdalene do? to be empty of history and present to this moment.

there is safety in this emptiness and loving kindness.

something to remember. grateful for teachers, like tau +malachi, who remind me.