2 illusions

i struggle with these illusions, seems like a lot, especially recently. others may *get* it. you might get it. but i'm writing this incase i forget it again.

1.) sometimes there's conflict/challenge even though i haven't done anything wrong.

part of this comes from that whole childhood psyche thing where kids, especially those who grow up with abuse, blame themselves as a way to control the insanity in their lives cause it'd be too much to deal with when so vulnerable as children, like that the people beating us are those we depend on for food, shelter, etc. i've gotten over this outlook for many situations, even past the "new age" version of how we create our own reality, which doesn't explain 100%, not everything.

what i'm reminded about recently is personal conflicts with others, like communication break downs (let's leave mercury out of this; neutralize any effect). i can do everything ok, take care of myself and my boundaries, and it's still possible for things to get way fucked up. in fact, my experience is that often when i'm in a good place, doin good/feelin good, is when someone shows up who doesn't get it. this brings me to the second one.

2.) just because someone seems impossible, doesn't mean they are evil or unlikeable. they can be ok as they are.

which really irritates me. if someone acts like they don't like me and i'm not doing anything wrong, then i really want something to be wrong with them and for no one else to be able to stand them either. very childish, yes, which is why i keep this to myself. but many folks i listen to (and i do a lot of listening) express this sentiment. it's hard but i'd rather ground myself in the reality that they (the person in the conflict) are ok, maybe even have qualities i appreciate, than to tear them down or make up negative stories about them in my head.

even though it might not make any sense to me why someone might act like everything i do is wrong, that doesn't make it my problem. sure i can explore to see if there's some way to accommodate their preferences. in the current situation at work, feels like my peer is simply interested in power over and i'm simply not interested in giving my power away, so here we are.

i learned some of this schtuff when working hospice. most of the time, families are at their best when a loved one is dying, but occasionally (i'd guess bout 5% of the time) you get to work with a family where this isn't the case. and no one can blame them! death is one of the most difficult circumstances to deal with, for everyone. so occasionally, even the nicest nurses would work with one of these families and end up getting "fired" by them and then we'd all feel relieved.

cause as much as some of us may try to be reasonable, to leave as much drama behind as possible, as much as we might try to do the right thing, checking in with others around us to make sure whatever fits for everyone, as much effort as we may put into creating harmony; we're all, basically, human.

so i continue to work to give myself a break, while i continue to work to give others breaks.

to leave the conflicts be. leave 'm behind and focus on the harmony, on when it works, which is actually most of the time.