testing the waters

i choose to swim in a sea of Unconditional Love. navigating any other ocean, no matter what the justification or rationalization, simply fails to make any sense.

on respect: all beings deserve respect simply because they exist.

yet trust must be earned; it cannot be demanded by anyone, no matter who they claim to be or the nature of a shared relationship.

i desire a teacher that i can test. of course, i will be tested and challenged. and with highest respects, i desire the freedom to ask questions. that's how trust grows deeper.

as a parent, i've allowed my son to ask any question, even to speak to me disrespectfully on occasion. then, lovingly, i set limits for comfortable conversation. he's learned. i'm only asking for what i've extended/given.

trust grows through dialog. of course, the teacher could set limits, even be harsh if necessary, within the relationship. silence can be an excellent teacher.

and i have oh so much to learn, lol.


6.25.10--
i can trust Unconditional Love, relaxing into the infinite spaciousness of it, breathing easier.

One of the Wisdoms in Matthew

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your sibling's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your sibling, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your sibling's eye." Matthew 7:3-5

this verse has been a comfort to me on multiple occasions and returned to me again today as a comfort regarding a recent loss when, after setting a healthy boundary, i lost a profound relationship. this verse helps me with projections, which can be so confusing, with my moon in libra, making all relationships seem like a hall of infinite mirrors where i can't tell who's who. is this mine or yours? why are you saying it's mine when i've experienced it as yours on numerous occasions and i have no feelings for it? while i may not have any "sticky" feelings for what you're judging me about, i do have feelings about being wrongfully accused.

so then, how can one be clear?

so i always go to the place of: i dunno if i'm the one with the speck or the plank, i have no attachment to either position. i could easily be the one with the plank. but if you're unwilling to be human, to admit to even the possibility of a speck or ever having a history of a speck, then why should i let you so close to my vulnerable eyes?

that's something else i continue to appreciate about my beloved urban dance tribe: the willingness to discuss as equals our humanity, our mutual blocks to our vision, the mirror we present to each other, which enables and empowers us to clear our vision ourselves.

so that we can have eyes to see.

it's an ongoing process. i don't claim to have completely clear vision. but when i can see plainly, that you have something similar to the plank you claim i have, when i can see something of that in your eye, that you aren't willing to discuss, then let's just leave each other be. i will contemplate your claim. when you're willing to discuss the possibility that perhaps, i may see something too, then we can explore our visions together again.

meanwhile i will continue seeking healthy, mutually respectful relationships, leaving all others be and, if necessary, leaving them behind.

an insight & early morning dream

yesterday i had an aaahh (sorta like an ah-ha, but a li'l different) insight from the mirror of brittle defensiveness around authority. i wrote bout my wish that all in authority would be free to rest in it. there are ways to hold authority comfortably, allowing dialog that informs and teaches while still being the final say. it's a way of breathing.

then yesterday the aaahh insight hit me: i can also do this when others project their negativity onto me! yeah. [breathing] i can rest in my own ultimate authority. i can give space/time to their feedback in silence, which isn't agreement, and let it be for a time, continuing to center in what i know to be true--releasing aversion to negative projections! i'm so ready to be free from that and releasing aversion to them! the only power they have over me is the power i give them. yeah, lol.

so a short bit ago i had a dream where i had left my car on one side of a lake and took a boat to the other side, not being careful to note where exactly i left it or how i would get back to it. i was going to a class. turned out that we were just sitting and reading, which i can do at home, so i got up to go, but then was having trouble getting back to my car. i was getting help from the authorities (lol), but i was still uneasy how careless i'd been.

now that i'm awake, seems like i could almost see my car from the shore i was on.

dreams are funny :)

ch-ch-ch-changes

processing all the silliness and learning. had a great, healing chat with an online friend, a canadian mage, whose insights were very helpful. the point of sharing all this is that maybe someone else might benefit. or maybe i can re-read it in the future if i find myself in similar circumstances.

ultimately i'd prefer to heal from this pattern of finding myself in a relationship, usually with a group, that i dearly LOVE but where i'm being asked to surrender my perception of my experience and agree to their negative view of me. which is something that happened with my mom a lot growing up but i'm sure is something i brought into this life from before.

but before i get into that, there are at least a couple things i could've done better with this recent incident (silliness). first, if i'd been more committed to *living within* then rather than expressing my feelings to my friend, i would've been able to interject more grace into the interactions. there's value in creating space to experience events more deeply rather than expressing superficial reactions. i'm not saying never speak to them, only giving some space/time to simply breathing, then seeing what's left after. maybe dance/move and then see what's left after that. also i wonder what would've happened if i'd asked, "do i get to have authority over my own experience?" that may not have changed anything, but still i wonder what the response would've been. i think the response may've been more informative.

so on to the chat with my mage friend. he made several good points that i took notes on.

1. there's drama in mysticism when a person is down-to-earth or rational and the group isn't healthy. if the group is healthy, there is space for dialog, independent thought, working things out. if the group is dysfunctional, then the rational folks are pushed out.

2. encourage individualism. if any/all unusual expression, even if not agreed with, is supported, then it helps avoid groupthink.

3. take an active role in communications. which i always try to do, but found it often difficult in that group. at least i can feel secure that i tried. and i can continue to work on a communication style that is less threatening. seems like i'm always unintentionally threatening folks. got a bad case o'sag mouth (sagittarius are known for being brutally honest and confrontational). my friend supportively said there are worse afflictions.

4. use humor more. been working on this one for several years, especially with parenting, and am getting better. sometimes my humor is too sarcastic, but again, i can keep working on it.

5. good form: compliment, criticism, silliness. his friend calls it a "shit sandwich." it's a form i've been using for years, especially when i was supervising; seemed to work really well. had a coworker call me on it, but he wasn't really saying don't do it. silliness as in, making fun of self to put the other at ease. i think of it as a way to acknowledge our common humanity. yeah, my experience supervising has been informative through all this, to look back on a leadership style that integrates feedback. it's also my parenting style.

integrating feedback: what a concept!

my hope is that one day, All in positions of authority will know how to rest in it, holding authority comfortably, releasing unnecessary brittle defensiveness, allowing dialog as a teaching tool because dialog is not threatening and only makes their position and their students/subordinates stronger; is only enlivening and creates a thriving environment for everyone.

there's, of course, a possibility that this isn't so much of a *pattern* as it is one way to grow from group to group. looking back, the process appears like a natural progression, not so much that anything was wrong, per se.

meanwhile, another gnostic friend recommended gnosticsanctuary.org and i'm feeling even more at home! time will tell :)