k, i can go to that paradoxical place, that perhaps gnosis is gained when experience is surrendered. i can go there. i jes sincerely never thought it would be through being blamed for things i haven't thought or said and being asked to change attitudes i don't have while joining in my teacher's reality that he doesn't make mistakes.
right.
then where's humility? i mean, the situation begins to look more like bullying. . .or even brain washing. ain't playin that game.
it's all so strange. . .starting off as someone else's lack of communication, which i initially found upsetting, but had decided not to say anything about it. but a friend felt compelled to, even though i asked her not to, which is her choice. i wish she hadn't, but she's a free agent. so the drama gets high and things get way twisted. i get misrepresented multiple times and there are layers upon layers of inaccuracy, but no dialog allowed. somehow i'm being disrespectful, which i totally don't get. meanwhile i'm watching those accusing me of being disrespectful, lacking in respect of themselves and others. maybe they think disagreement=disrespect, which aren't the same thing.
oh, and the friend who told my story without my permission? she's asked to stay in the group.
whole thang ain't fair, but Life often isn't.
gratefully, i've felt Holy Mother-Bride's presence through this whole mess. i'm sure she'll explain it all to me with time.
so i was once too radical for a group called 'mayhem,' n they banned me. now looks like i'm too heretical for gnostics n gettin banned again! i'm really not that outrageous--Really!!! lol! i'm actually pretty mousey, by some folks standards. [sigh] ah well, Life goes on.
and on and on and on. . . .
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
when the internet was new: a story of Elfin
this morning i was reminded of a series of stories from way back in the early 90s, when i was new to the internet. i had been a stay-at-home mom but then my first job after putting my son in daycare at almost 3--he was SO ready! :D--this first job was in 93. i was working at UT and signed up for my first, several email listservs, one of which was for those interested in findhorn (findhorn.org). one member wrote all her posts metaphorically--which i loved! i found it to be an amazing way to communicate, through story, especially in the often misunderstood medium of plain type on screen. many on the list didn't appreciate her indirect means of communication, criticizing and attacking her for it which i found very unfortunate. eventually she was dropped/blocked from the list.
before her exit, she had woven an amazing world that we were all apart of that also included fictional characters. one story happened on the African plains. it was marvelous but i don't remember the characters' names. . .unfortunately. they were unusual. . .one had a "q" without a "u" with some "a"s. . .but yeah, i'm not remembering them. there was also a euro-centric storyline that included the Fairy Queen and a character named, Elfin. yes, she was an elf. one of the sayings repeated throughout the stories was having faith in Faith and trust in Trust.
while participating on the findhorn listserv, i was inspired by this storyline and got a vision which has been informative for me in this life. thought i'd post it here to share and for later reference.
-.-
elfin sat at the foot of the fairy queen, waiting for her next lesson. the fairy queen pointed at something behind elfin. as she turned to look, she saw a wall of fire, very tall and reaching from one horizon to the other, the burning, popping, cracking sounds deafening.
elfin quickly turned back and with a slight shiver, said, "surely you don't mean for me to walk through that?!" the fairy queen smiled at her with deep, timeless compassion and a slight weariness, or knowing, as if she had done it before herself and said, "yes, little one. remember your faith in Faith and your trust in Trust."
and so, reluctantly, elfin stood and walked toward the wall of fire. she couldn't believe she was doing it! she felt the heat while still many yards away, but continued on. was she voluntarily walking toward her own annihilation?! she began breath of fire, the quick in-out-in-out, to give her courage.
eventually she was there and still the fire raged, extending beyond each horizon. she extended the first toe into the fire--
but what was this sensation? was it heat or was it coolness?! then she found herself walking through a waterfall, equally thunderous and purifying. she dove into the pool and emerged, not recognizing herself.
only her faith in Faith and trust in Trust.
before her exit, she had woven an amazing world that we were all apart of that also included fictional characters. one story happened on the African plains. it was marvelous but i don't remember the characters' names. . .unfortunately. they were unusual. . .one had a "q" without a "u" with some "a"s. . .but yeah, i'm not remembering them. there was also a euro-centric storyline that included the Fairy Queen and a character named, Elfin. yes, she was an elf. one of the sayings repeated throughout the stories was having faith in Faith and trust in Trust.
while participating on the findhorn listserv, i was inspired by this storyline and got a vision which has been informative for me in this life. thought i'd post it here to share and for later reference.
-.-
elfin sat at the foot of the fairy queen, waiting for her next lesson. the fairy queen pointed at something behind elfin. as she turned to look, she saw a wall of fire, very tall and reaching from one horizon to the other, the burning, popping, cracking sounds deafening.
elfin quickly turned back and with a slight shiver, said, "surely you don't mean for me to walk through that?!" the fairy queen smiled at her with deep, timeless compassion and a slight weariness, or knowing, as if she had done it before herself and said, "yes, little one. remember your faith in Faith and your trust in Trust."
and so, reluctantly, elfin stood and walked toward the wall of fire. she couldn't believe she was doing it! she felt the heat while still many yards away, but continued on. was she voluntarily walking toward her own annihilation?! she began breath of fire, the quick in-out-in-out, to give her courage.
eventually she was there and still the fire raged, extending beyond each horizon. she extended the first toe into the fire--
but what was this sensation? was it heat or was it coolness?! then she found herself walking through a waterfall, equally thunderous and purifying. she dove into the pool and emerged, not recognizing herself.
only her faith in Faith and trust in Trust.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
possibly maybe perhaps: new way of being, new humanity
i so love watching M. E. tv at work. drifting through time measured in music videos, such visual sweetness, for the most part, lol.
while watching coldplay's speed o'sound; such indirectness and i wonder at this. this allowing art to move through without identification with the channel. i mean, i don't know coldplay's music/art that well nor do i know anything of their fascade or persona(s). i'm getting this intuitive hit based on that they don't look directly at the camera and the camera doesn't seek out an identification with the performer(s), not until the very end, using it as an exit.
i remember when, seemed that celebrities were new to their role, inventing it as they went, what with drugs to cope and still losing the game to ODing or suicide. still happens. then there was robert redford and his rejection of the media hype. then there was princess di, who was unable to escape. in between, sting's wisdom, claiming that to believe in the person sold as the celebrity was to invite madness. seems new balances are developing, long after warhol predicted everyone's 15 minutes. now we have reality tv (no, i'm not a fan) and celebrities living among us, interacting with us and we're not flippin out bout it. realness, back n forth.
there's constant flux of course, change bein one o'the few constants of the universe.
but what i may've gotten a glimpse of, from the coldplay video, might be a new way o'being. perhaps. possibly. as we learn to release identity and allow art/spirit to flow through unhindered. new ways to allow flow, a new constant. maybe new breathing and being.
maybe.
what would interacting and connecting look like from that place? perhaps something like ecstatic dance. i look forward to exploring it further. this ties in with living within. . .to be with others from an empty internal place, yeah.
while watching coldplay's speed o'sound; such indirectness and i wonder at this. this allowing art to move through without identification with the channel. i mean, i don't know coldplay's music/art that well nor do i know anything of their fascade or persona(s). i'm getting this intuitive hit based on that they don't look directly at the camera and the camera doesn't seek out an identification with the performer(s), not until the very end, using it as an exit.
i remember when, seemed that celebrities were new to their role, inventing it as they went, what with drugs to cope and still losing the game to ODing or suicide. still happens. then there was robert redford and his rejection of the media hype. then there was princess di, who was unable to escape. in between, sting's wisdom, claiming that to believe in the person sold as the celebrity was to invite madness. seems new balances are developing, long after warhol predicted everyone's 15 minutes. now we have reality tv (no, i'm not a fan) and celebrities living among us, interacting with us and we're not flippin out bout it. realness, back n forth.
there's constant flux of course, change bein one o'the few constants of the universe.
but what i may've gotten a glimpse of, from the coldplay video, might be a new way o'being. perhaps. possibly. as we learn to release identity and allow art/spirit to flow through unhindered. new ways to allow flow, a new constant. maybe new breathing and being.
maybe.
what would interacting and connecting look like from that place? perhaps something like ecstatic dance. i look forward to exploring it further. this ties in with living within. . .to be with others from an empty internal place, yeah.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
dreamin o'whales n livin within
i used to dream of whales a lot. at least i interpreted the images as whales. i would find myself swimming in a deep body of water, not an ocean, more like a lake, and there would be very large beings, shadows, swimming beneath me. felt sorta scary.
at the time, in my 20s, i interpreted those dreams as a deeper part of myself communicating with me and took it to a very literal place, thinking i needed to deep sea dive with whales. i've always felt a connection with whales, studying them in my free time in grade school. once i saw an imax film on whales and cried through the whole thing. tears of longing. strange, but real. i would still like to deep sea dive with whales, but i think there was more to the dream.
thought bout studying marine biology but that didn't happen. too easily discouraged by a stranger with initials behind his name. these things happen and then we learn. in recent months i painted my room colors i find soothing, that turned out very watery. the wall with a window, opposite the door/entrance, is a deep blue and the other three walls are a pale green, only slightly darker than light through coke bottle glass or probably, similar to light in shallow ocean water. then aqua curtains fit really well and now my room has a ocean quality. good for day sleeping too (since i work nights).
since those times (20s) i've been diving deeper, exploring internal realities, curious bout the structures that our external, shared reality is based on. learning. . .how is it that i can work on my internal issues and my external reality shifts so drastically? how is it that, sometimes, there are no external changes and yet, everything seems so very different?
i've been grateful to live with this "magic" for well over a decade. something i learned before my son was born: there's nothing in the universe you can love or hate that isn't reflecting back to you something you love/hate about yourself. work that mirror! the results are amazing, nothing short of miraculous! sometimes it's about clearing, sometimes healing and somethings accepting or making peace with What Is. in each case, something that troubled me, i became free of. cleared out pet peeves to start. so nice to be rid of those nuisances.
it's a nice tool.
so recently, when some spiritual friends online suggested i "live within," my response was, "what?! i already live within!" i was caught off guard. i meditate, i pray throughout the day, i contemplate. what are they talking about?!
but i had been posting on some social struggles, in this case gender-based, and even though i was owning my issues, i was getting the 'living within' feedback. ok, clearly time to dive deeper.
that's the thing--there's no limit. there's always more! so we're gifted with this amazing tool (mirror) and there's no end to how we can contemplate what we're being shown.
also a few years ago, while recovering from the WV experience (2001) and not knowing what i wanted, for anything, i wondered what my inner child would want. seemed at the time like she might have more of a clue than i could see. what i'm getting with this recent feedback is that--i used to live more within, like it was a natural state as a child, but when my reality was not only not affirmed but distorted by feedback from my caregivers, i was frightened and didn't know what was real, didn't feel real. over the years since, i've healed and learned good resources, if/when i need to check on What's Real, so i can release this fear. i think it was this old, no longer needed fear that prompted me to post recently about my social struggles.
now i'm free to return to a more natural state: living within. i can breathe much easier now. i feel renewed at a primal level. there's a deeper peace that i didn't even know. . .was possible or that was lacking. . .that has been calling me, but my consciousness wasn't understanding.
growing my ears, lol. my stepfather would now make a joke bout Lutherans and their big ears, lol!
sweet laughter on the path of learning. perhaps i may deep sea dive with whales one day, but if not, there is another experience that calls to me, more strongly.
at the time, in my 20s, i interpreted those dreams as a deeper part of myself communicating with me and took it to a very literal place, thinking i needed to deep sea dive with whales. i've always felt a connection with whales, studying them in my free time in grade school. once i saw an imax film on whales and cried through the whole thing. tears of longing. strange, but real. i would still like to deep sea dive with whales, but i think there was more to the dream.
thought bout studying marine biology but that didn't happen. too easily discouraged by a stranger with initials behind his name. these things happen and then we learn. in recent months i painted my room colors i find soothing, that turned out very watery. the wall with a window, opposite the door/entrance, is a deep blue and the other three walls are a pale green, only slightly darker than light through coke bottle glass or probably, similar to light in shallow ocean water. then aqua curtains fit really well and now my room has a ocean quality. good for day sleeping too (since i work nights).
since those times (20s) i've been diving deeper, exploring internal realities, curious bout the structures that our external, shared reality is based on. learning. . .how is it that i can work on my internal issues and my external reality shifts so drastically? how is it that, sometimes, there are no external changes and yet, everything seems so very different?
i've been grateful to live with this "magic" for well over a decade. something i learned before my son was born: there's nothing in the universe you can love or hate that isn't reflecting back to you something you love/hate about yourself. work that mirror! the results are amazing, nothing short of miraculous! sometimes it's about clearing, sometimes healing and somethings accepting or making peace with What Is. in each case, something that troubled me, i became free of. cleared out pet peeves to start. so nice to be rid of those nuisances.
it's a nice tool.
so recently, when some spiritual friends online suggested i "live within," my response was, "what?! i already live within!" i was caught off guard. i meditate, i pray throughout the day, i contemplate. what are they talking about?!
but i had been posting on some social struggles, in this case gender-based, and even though i was owning my issues, i was getting the 'living within' feedback. ok, clearly time to dive deeper.
that's the thing--there's no limit. there's always more! so we're gifted with this amazing tool (mirror) and there's no end to how we can contemplate what we're being shown.
also a few years ago, while recovering from the WV experience (2001) and not knowing what i wanted, for anything, i wondered what my inner child would want. seemed at the time like she might have more of a clue than i could see. what i'm getting with this recent feedback is that--i used to live more within, like it was a natural state as a child, but when my reality was not only not affirmed but distorted by feedback from my caregivers, i was frightened and didn't know what was real, didn't feel real. over the years since, i've healed and learned good resources, if/when i need to check on What's Real, so i can release this fear. i think it was this old, no longer needed fear that prompted me to post recently about my social struggles.
now i'm free to return to a more natural state: living within. i can breathe much easier now. i feel renewed at a primal level. there's a deeper peace that i didn't even know. . .was possible or that was lacking. . .that has been calling me, but my consciousness wasn't understanding.
growing my ears, lol. my stepfather would now make a joke bout Lutherans and their big ears, lol!
sweet laughter on the path of learning. perhaps i may deep sea dive with whales one day, but if not, there is another experience that calls to me, more strongly.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
culture shock & releasing expectations
back in the late 80s, early 90s, i attended several scott peck community building workshops based on his book, a different drum. really good experiences. about 40 people would gather, most all not knowing each other before the weekend, and we would somehow make our way to community where we would end up loving each other, like a close-knit family. truly wonderful! one part of the path between disconnected strangers to connected friends is releasing expectations. only by emptying ourselves of those, as well as the need to fix others and maybe a few other elements that aren't at the forefront of my mind at the moment, could we arrive at community. it was also interesting to me that some individuals arrived at community before others. the process was described as the whole group arriving together, but every group is composed of individuals with differing states of being, so it made sense to me that some might arrive at different times.
every spiritual path has it's own culture and i'm still learning the culture of this path that still feels new to me, that i just stepped onto about this time last year, the last saturday in april. the first several months were amazing--like a long awaited homecoming that i didn't know i was looking for! my internal experiences were so "loud," i felt so much pressure to learn-learn-learn-learn-learn, that it was challenging to just breathe and be.
then in november, when taking my son to halfprice books and *accidentally* forgetting to grab a book to read while i waited on him, i went to scan the books in the gnostic section. the way of a pilgrim practically jumped off the shelf at me. a wonderful found story of a eastern orthodox russian pilgrim who was taken with the idea of praying without ceasing. that prayer, which i use often as an internal mantra, has relieved a lot of the pressure i had been feeling and has been a great comfort.
and so as time passes, other events also indirectly effect my expectations. an ecstatic dance group, body choir, that'd been my main spiritual path for over 12 years, declined and is now on hiatus. so i miss my urban dance tribe and its culture.
so i think part of my culture shock with the local gnostic group is colored by missing the urban dance tribe culture. clearly all my spiritual needs weren't being met or i wouldn't have looked for a way to dive deeper. so there are gifts to each group that i wish (speaking to the expectation) could be combined. important that i Make Peace with What Is again. (Making Peace with What Is is something i did a lot of in my 30s.)
one way to describe the groups different strengths would be to describe them as horizontal or vertical. while body choir presented the opportunity for vertically tuning in during the dance, what i'm missing most is the horizontal aspect of the culture. folks walking their talk, living their lives centered in compassion, harmlessness (ahimsa) and empowerment/justice. not that there weren't flaws in those areas, but that most everyone carried the consciousness of doing that through, for example, nonviolent communication, which was taught by a member. lots o'conscious languaging that i didn't realize i was taking for granted.
but i wanted to dive deeper into meaning, into the structures that our reality is based on, into kabbalah and other ancient wisdom systems (vertical). so much of the ecstatic dance path seemed to be about doing what feels right--compassion, harmlessness and empowerment have sensations that are excellent guides--but going only by feeling isn't enough, i don't think. it's too easy to be distracted by other things that also feel good.
for me, i also want to explore beyond sensation, to safely stretch my consciousness on a path i can trust. so this gnostic path serves that purpose by being grounded in christianity. this is truly what i was looking for. and i have so, so much to learn. it's truly nourishing my soul (vertically).
unfortunately the social, horizontal aspect is awkward for me. honestly, social interactions have never been my strong suit, so clearly, i have tons to learn in this arena as well. so i need to release expectations of how social interactions "should" be, of how communication "should" flow between people and again, Make Peace with What Is. i don't like how i am when i experience this culture shock; feels like righteous indignation, but that's absurd. there's no ground to stand on for that; it's not productive in any way.
better to move deeper into silent witness. so much to study and learn, there is plenty to do. continually remind myself of harmlessness and compassion and release silly impulses to confront.
every spiritual path has it's own culture and i'm still learning the culture of this path that still feels new to me, that i just stepped onto about this time last year, the last saturday in april. the first several months were amazing--like a long awaited homecoming that i didn't know i was looking for! my internal experiences were so "loud," i felt so much pressure to learn-learn-learn-learn-learn, that it was challenging to just breathe and be.
then in november, when taking my son to halfprice books and *accidentally* forgetting to grab a book to read while i waited on him, i went to scan the books in the gnostic section. the way of a pilgrim practically jumped off the shelf at me. a wonderful found story of a eastern orthodox russian pilgrim who was taken with the idea of praying without ceasing. that prayer, which i use often as an internal mantra, has relieved a lot of the pressure i had been feeling and has been a great comfort.
and so as time passes, other events also indirectly effect my expectations. an ecstatic dance group, body choir, that'd been my main spiritual path for over 12 years, declined and is now on hiatus. so i miss my urban dance tribe and its culture.
so i think part of my culture shock with the local gnostic group is colored by missing the urban dance tribe culture. clearly all my spiritual needs weren't being met or i wouldn't have looked for a way to dive deeper. so there are gifts to each group that i wish (speaking to the expectation) could be combined. important that i Make Peace with What Is again. (Making Peace with What Is is something i did a lot of in my 30s.)
one way to describe the groups different strengths would be to describe them as horizontal or vertical. while body choir presented the opportunity for vertically tuning in during the dance, what i'm missing most is the horizontal aspect of the culture. folks walking their talk, living their lives centered in compassion, harmlessness (ahimsa) and empowerment/justice. not that there weren't flaws in those areas, but that most everyone carried the consciousness of doing that through, for example, nonviolent communication, which was taught by a member. lots o'conscious languaging that i didn't realize i was taking for granted.
but i wanted to dive deeper into meaning, into the structures that our reality is based on, into kabbalah and other ancient wisdom systems (vertical). so much of the ecstatic dance path seemed to be about doing what feels right--compassion, harmlessness and empowerment have sensations that are excellent guides--but going only by feeling isn't enough, i don't think. it's too easy to be distracted by other things that also feel good.
for me, i also want to explore beyond sensation, to safely stretch my consciousness on a path i can trust. so this gnostic path serves that purpose by being grounded in christianity. this is truly what i was looking for. and i have so, so much to learn. it's truly nourishing my soul (vertically).
unfortunately the social, horizontal aspect is awkward for me. honestly, social interactions have never been my strong suit, so clearly, i have tons to learn in this arena as well. so i need to release expectations of how social interactions "should" be, of how communication "should" flow between people and again, Make Peace with What Is. i don't like how i am when i experience this culture shock; feels like righteous indignation, but that's absurd. there's no ground to stand on for that; it's not productive in any way.
better to move deeper into silent witness. so much to study and learn, there is plenty to do. continually remind myself of harmlessness and compassion and release silly impulses to confront.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
who knew The Who were/are gnostic?!
i was listening to an oldies station, 92.5fm, which is good for work and singing along with clients. i was struck at how great a gnostic song this is. very expansive and applicable, when imagining singing to archonic/klippotic forces, if you consider a pistis sophia point of view. meditation can take me to such an expansive place where, by the grace of God, seems like i can see/feel/breathe/be for miles and miles. similarly, via God's grace, we are shown how to see through/past archonic/klippotic ploys to manipulate us.
sing it!
The Who - I Can See For Miles
I know you've deceived me, now here's a surprise
I know that you have 'cause there's magic in my eyes
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Oh yeah
If you think that I don't know about the little tricks you've played
And never see you when deliberately you put things in my way
Well, here's a poke at you
You're gonna choke on it too
You're gonna lose that smile
Beacuse all the while
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Oh yeah
You took advantage of my trust in you when I was so far away
I saw you holding lots of other guys and now you've got the nerve to say
That you still want me
Well, that's as may be
But you gotta stand trial
Because all the while
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Oh yeah
I know you've deceived me, now here's a surprise
I know that you have 'cause there's magic in my eyes
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Oh yeah
The Eiffel Tower and the Taj Mahal are mine to see on clear days
You thought that I would need a crystal ball to see right through the haze
Well, here's a poke at you
You're gonna choke on it too
You're gonna lose that smile
Beacuse all the while
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
And miles and miles and miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
sing it!
The Who - I Can See For Miles
I know you've deceived me, now here's a surprise
I know that you have 'cause there's magic in my eyes
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Oh yeah
If you think that I don't know about the little tricks you've played
And never see you when deliberately you put things in my way
Well, here's a poke at you
You're gonna choke on it too
You're gonna lose that smile
Beacuse all the while
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Oh yeah
You took advantage of my trust in you when I was so far away
I saw you holding lots of other guys and now you've got the nerve to say
That you still want me
Well, that's as may be
But you gotta stand trial
Because all the while
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Oh yeah
I know you've deceived me, now here's a surprise
I know that you have 'cause there's magic in my eyes
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Oh yeah
The Eiffel Tower and the Taj Mahal are mine to see on clear days
You thought that I would need a crystal ball to see right through the haze
Well, here's a poke at you
You're gonna choke on it too
You're gonna lose that smile
Beacuse all the while
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
And miles and miles and miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
Saturday, February 27, 2010
developing lucidity
so we're on the same page when it comes to dreams--that it's good to develop lucidity and Life is just a dream, so there's implications--to get those foundational assumptions clear. ok.
this morning, from this morning's dream, seems like i'm developing lucidity from a subconscious place. that might be obvious to everyone else but me, but i just realized that this morning. when i try to become lucid with my conscious mind, i wake up, lol. :P dur.
so the point is to develop conscious connections with subconscious awareness. the subconscious is driving in dream time, so best make friends with it ;)
which i've been working on for, literally, decades, so yeah, the groundwork is there. still much more to do, but this "ah ha!" moment this morning was too sweet to not blog.
this morning, from this morning's dream, seems like i'm developing lucidity from a subconscious place. that might be obvious to everyone else but me, but i just realized that this morning. when i try to become lucid with my conscious mind, i wake up, lol. :P dur.
so the point is to develop conscious connections with subconscious awareness. the subconscious is driving in dream time, so best make friends with it ;)
which i've been working on for, literally, decades, so yeah, the groundwork is there. still much more to do, but this "ah ha!" moment this morning was too sweet to not blog.
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