sometimes

sometimes i fall into despair and anger, railing against all the suffering, knowing in my core it isn't necessary, completely not understanding the point of existence and why. totally convinced there is no positive outcome to make it fair or worthwhile, then crying.

then it rains and i walk outside in the cleansed air and experience the immense diversity that is reality and wonder. this blows my mind as well.

then i'm left to acknowledge my tiny perspective. no, the beauty does not make the suffering irrelevant. i wouldn't even say it makes it bearable. seems like an equal perspective/plane co-existing, both simultaneous.

and i step into a deep sense of mystery and witness and simplicity and breathing.

confessions of a spiritual lesbian

yes, i'm bi. my partner is a wonderful, very human, man who has taught me more about Love than probably anyone, romantic or otherwise. i've had one experience with one woman that affirms that that would work for me too, but i'm probably slightly more hetero. basically i find everyone beautiful.

there's something different when only women gather. the space and energy are completely different. as sisters, there is something we share that is understood, that needs no defense or argument. women who are silent around men, relax and are more vocal when there's only women. we all relax, actually, easily sharing the spotlight and affirming what's best in/for each of us. the gatherings i've attended, in different belief systems, for different objectives, have all been nourishing in ways that are rarely met when men are present.

i find it easier to learn in these circumstances and with/from women teachers. their teachings seem more immediately relevant and applicable, also often more compassionate.

i have witnessed my spiritual brothers appear to be healed from time spent in men-only gatherings. i have seen them soften and yet also be stronger men, also better able to appreciate women, without having to control or define them. i don't know what happens in their gatherings or what they need from each other that women can't give. i'm ok with not knowing. i'm grateful to have experienced them nourishing themselves as only they can.

i have been feeling deeper into loss, allowing it to be, transforming the longing for what was to the longing of the Divine Beloved. this afternoon, She came to me in a flash--Wild Sophia! and yes--it is She who i desire! She whose presences requires fearlessness, not as a demand, but as a requisite to be fully present in All That She Is, for Lilith and all her shadow aspects are there too!

best to allow Her to destroy you, cut you into pieces! there is nothing to loose--only the illusions that get in the way of true union. leave them behind and breathe into wholeness!

words are lame, lol, and yet something must be said. SO grateful for Divine Connections!

yeah, what he said

one of my facebook friends had a great update yesterday--

"I am so sick of the male ego and the masculine feeling of superiority, along with the male's archonic display of dominance and authority. I see it every day, day in and day out, and I absolutely abhor these male 'prima donna' types -- those males who accept adulation and privileged treatment as a right and react with petulance to the least criticism or inconvenience." ~Albert Lloyd Williams

so affirming to hear this from a man. certainly fits some recent, unfortunate experiences.

he also has a profile honoring the Divine Feminine--
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=app_2915120374#!/pages/The-Return-of-the-Divine-Feminine/294515654562

more gifts from matthew

"that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." matthew 5:45

gaining insight today on another possible application of this understanding--that the Holy Spirit can flow powerfully through the kind/caring & unkind/uncaring also, through the compassionate and humble as well as the authoritarian and proud, through those who desire connection/mutuality and those who are only self-seeking.

just as i'm grateful that all have rain and shine, i'm also grateful that the Holy Spirit can move powerfully through all.

another one of my favorites; has been very informative & directional--
"He told them still another parable: 'The kingdom of heaven is like yeast that a woman took and mixed into a large amount of flour until it worked all through the dough.'" matthew 13:33

i once heard a great sermon based on this verse, which basically boiled down to we are here to be yeast--to connect and let God's light shine through us.

a simple focus, a great direction.

short glimpse

morning
new day
emptiness of non-event
potential of no plans

beautiful void

wishing. hoping
to extend it
to walk in it
always.

resistance sensation

sometimes i wonder at my resistance. i don't get it, why/when/how it shows up, slowing me down. occasionally it feels right, like making space for deep integration. but other times, feels more like a limitation or some foreign influence holding me back. not that it is foreign. . .but it doesn't seem consistent with what i'm thinking/feeling i want.

today, exploring memories/sensations, that resistance feels like a heavy blanket on my mind, not unlike extreme fatigue from sleep deprivation. contemplating the metaphor, how it impacts my life, like how survival issues have been such a struggle for so long and seem to get in the way of the spiritual growth i long for. also possibly similar to this extra weight and the effort it will take to get to a healthier weight.

all seems like the same thing. praying for Abba-Imma's will to be done.

compost insight

i always put off taking care of the compost 'cause, as you can imagine, it's gross. smelly n gooey in a not-good kinda way. we keep a bucket in the garage n then transfer it to the pile in the backyard when it's full.

usually layer it with shredded paper first. composting all one's shredded documents is the ultimate security! just turns to dirt! :)

so today, raked back the grass clippings, put down the shredding, then poured out the compost bucket. then raked the grass clippings back on top, which covers ;) the odor.

today i was thinking about raw emotions. back in the 70s, it was the *thing,* to be honest and raw with those important to you. in the 80s, that was re-interpreted as "dumping" on people. there's a time and place for everything. the 90s and 00s seem to be moving ever more conservative again, as if the repressed 50s (and earlier) never happened.

recently got feedback to "live within." at first it seemed like more conservative repression, but i think it's something different. it's not that feelings are never expressed. still contemplating it and what that means in my day-to-day life. today with the composting, i got that the raw gooey foods were like raw emotions, sorta stinky, lol, and best left covered up a bit until they can break down into dirt. it's not that they're "bad" or that expressing them is a mistake, not exactly. but given time, their expression can be much more valuable, more useful, like dirt in a garden.

yeah :)

then later trimmed the rosemary in the front. aaahh! love the scent--what heaven! as dumped it onto the compost, i was struck by how things just keep growing, no matter what. a large sunflower had grown up from the side of the compost, but then was practically completely devoured by bugs. they've been bad this year with all the rain. but this afternoon i noticed a new bloom with a few tiny leaves (the original leaves were a good 8" across!). that's Nature/Holy Mother-Bride--an amazing, unlimited source for growth--relentlessly available! wahe guru!