testing the waters

i choose to swim in a sea of Unconditional Love. navigating any other ocean, no matter what the justification or rationalization, simply fails to make any sense.

on respect: all beings deserve respect simply because they exist.

yet trust must be earned; it cannot be demanded by anyone, no matter who they claim to be or the nature of a shared relationship.

i desire a teacher that i can test. of course, i will be tested and challenged. and with highest respects, i desire the freedom to ask questions. that's how trust grows deeper.

as a parent, i've allowed my son to ask any question, even to speak to me disrespectfully on occasion. then, lovingly, i set limits for comfortable conversation. he's learned. i'm only asking for what i've extended/given.

trust grows through dialog. of course, the teacher could set limits, even be harsh if necessary, within the relationship. silence can be an excellent teacher.

and i have oh so much to learn, lol.


6.25.10--
i can trust Unconditional Love, relaxing into the infinite spaciousness of it, breathing easier.

One of the Wisdoms in Matthew

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your sibling's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your sibling, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your sibling's eye." Matthew 7:3-5

this verse has been a comfort to me on multiple occasions and returned to me again today as a comfort regarding a recent loss when, after setting a healthy boundary, i lost a profound relationship. this verse helps me with projections, which can be so confusing, with my moon in libra, making all relationships seem like a hall of infinite mirrors where i can't tell who's who. is this mine or yours? why are you saying it's mine when i've experienced it as yours on numerous occasions and i have no feelings for it? while i may not have any "sticky" feelings for what you're judging me about, i do have feelings about being wrongfully accused.

so then, how can one be clear?

so i always go to the place of: i dunno if i'm the one with the speck or the plank, i have no attachment to either position. i could easily be the one with the plank. but if you're unwilling to be human, to admit to even the possibility of a speck or ever having a history of a speck, then why should i let you so close to my vulnerable eyes?

that's something else i continue to appreciate about my beloved urban dance tribe: the willingness to discuss as equals our humanity, our mutual blocks to our vision, the mirror we present to each other, which enables and empowers us to clear our vision ourselves.

so that we can have eyes to see.

it's an ongoing process. i don't claim to have completely clear vision. but when i can see plainly, that you have something similar to the plank you claim i have, when i can see something of that in your eye, that you aren't willing to discuss, then let's just leave each other be. i will contemplate your claim. when you're willing to discuss the possibility that perhaps, i may see something too, then we can explore our visions together again.

meanwhile i will continue seeking healthy, mutually respectful relationships, leaving all others be and, if necessary, leaving them behind.

an insight & early morning dream

yesterday i had an aaahh (sorta like an ah-ha, but a li'l different) insight from the mirror of brittle defensiveness around authority. i wrote bout my wish that all in authority would be free to rest in it. there are ways to hold authority comfortably, allowing dialog that informs and teaches while still being the final say. it's a way of breathing.

then yesterday the aaahh insight hit me: i can also do this when others project their negativity onto me! yeah. [breathing] i can rest in my own ultimate authority. i can give space/time to their feedback in silence, which isn't agreement, and let it be for a time, continuing to center in what i know to be true--releasing aversion to negative projections! i'm so ready to be free from that and releasing aversion to them! the only power they have over me is the power i give them. yeah, lol.

so a short bit ago i had a dream where i had left my car on one side of a lake and took a boat to the other side, not being careful to note where exactly i left it or how i would get back to it. i was going to a class. turned out that we were just sitting and reading, which i can do at home, so i got up to go, but then was having trouble getting back to my car. i was getting help from the authorities (lol), but i was still uneasy how careless i'd been.

now that i'm awake, seems like i could almost see my car from the shore i was on.

dreams are funny :)

ch-ch-ch-changes

processing all the silliness and learning. had a great, healing chat with an online friend, a canadian mage, whose insights were very helpful. the point of sharing all this is that maybe someone else might benefit. or maybe i can re-read it in the future if i find myself in similar circumstances.

ultimately i'd prefer to heal from this pattern of finding myself in a relationship, usually with a group, that i dearly LOVE but where i'm being asked to surrender my perception of my experience and agree to their negative view of me. which is something that happened with my mom a lot growing up but i'm sure is something i brought into this life from before.

but before i get into that, there are at least a couple things i could've done better with this recent incident (silliness). first, if i'd been more committed to *living within* then rather than expressing my feelings to my friend, i would've been able to interject more grace into the interactions. there's value in creating space to experience events more deeply rather than expressing superficial reactions. i'm not saying never speak to them, only giving some space/time to simply breathing, then seeing what's left after. maybe dance/move and then see what's left after that. also i wonder what would've happened if i'd asked, "do i get to have authority over my own experience?" that may not have changed anything, but still i wonder what the response would've been. i think the response may've been more informative.

so on to the chat with my mage friend. he made several good points that i took notes on.

1. there's drama in mysticism when a person is down-to-earth or rational and the group isn't healthy. if the group is healthy, there is space for dialog, independent thought, working things out. if the group is dysfunctional, then the rational folks are pushed out.

2. encourage individualism. if any/all unusual expression, even if not agreed with, is supported, then it helps avoid groupthink.

3. take an active role in communications. which i always try to do, but found it often difficult in that group. at least i can feel secure that i tried. and i can continue to work on a communication style that is less threatening. seems like i'm always unintentionally threatening folks. got a bad case o'sag mouth (sagittarius are known for being brutally honest and confrontational). my friend supportively said there are worse afflictions.

4. use humor more. been working on this one for several years, especially with parenting, and am getting better. sometimes my humor is too sarcastic, but again, i can keep working on it.

5. good form: compliment, criticism, silliness. his friend calls it a "shit sandwich." it's a form i've been using for years, especially when i was supervising; seemed to work really well. had a coworker call me on it, but he wasn't really saying don't do it. silliness as in, making fun of self to put the other at ease. i think of it as a way to acknowledge our common humanity. yeah, my experience supervising has been informative through all this, to look back on a leadership style that integrates feedback. it's also my parenting style.

integrating feedback: what a concept!

my hope is that one day, All in positions of authority will know how to rest in it, holding authority comfortably, releasing unnecessary brittle defensiveness, allowing dialog as a teaching tool because dialog is not threatening and only makes their position and their students/subordinates stronger; is only enlivening and creates a thriving environment for everyone.

there's, of course, a possibility that this isn't so much of a *pattern* as it is one way to grow from group to group. looking back, the process appears like a natural progression, not so much that anything was wrong, per se.

meanwhile, another gnostic friend recommended gnosticsanctuary.org and i'm feeling even more at home! time will tell :)

what's the point of gnosis if i'm supposed to deny my experience?!

k, i can go to that paradoxical place, that perhaps gnosis is gained when experience is surrendered. i can go there. i jes sincerely never thought it would be through being blamed for things i haven't thought or said and being asked to change attitudes i don't have while joining in my teacher's reality that he doesn't make mistakes.

right.

then where's humility? i mean, the situation begins to look more like bullying. . .or even brain washing. ain't playin that game.

it's all so strange. . .starting off as someone else's lack of communication, which i initially found upsetting, but had decided not to say anything about it. but a friend felt compelled to, even though i asked her not to, which is her choice. i wish she hadn't, but she's a free agent. so the drama gets high and things get way twisted. i get misrepresented multiple times and there are layers upon layers of inaccuracy, but no dialog allowed. somehow i'm being disrespectful, which i totally don't get. meanwhile i'm watching those accusing me of being disrespectful, lacking in respect of themselves and others. maybe they think disagreement=disrespect, which aren't the same thing.

oh, and the friend who told my story without my permission? she's asked to stay in the group.

whole thang ain't fair, but Life often isn't.

gratefully, i've felt Holy Mother-Bride's presence through this whole mess. i'm sure she'll explain it all to me with time.

so i was once too radical for a group called 'mayhem,' n they banned me. now looks like i'm too heretical for gnostics n gettin banned again! i'm really not that outrageous--Really!!! lol! i'm actually pretty mousey, by some folks standards. [sigh] ah well, Life goes on.

and on and on and on. . . .

when the internet was new: a story of Elfin

this morning i was reminded of a series of stories from way back in the early 90s, when i was new to the internet. i had been a stay-at-home mom but then my first job after putting my son in daycare at almost 3--he was SO ready! :D--this first job was in 93. i was working at UT and signed up for my first, several email listservs, one of which was for those interested in findhorn (findhorn.org). one member wrote all her posts metaphorically--which i loved! i found it to be an amazing way to communicate, through story, especially in the often misunderstood medium of plain type on screen. many on the list didn't appreciate her indirect means of communication, criticizing and attacking her for it which i found very unfortunate. eventually she was dropped/blocked from the list.

before her exit, she had woven an amazing world that we were all apart of that also included fictional characters. one story happened on the African plains. it was marvelous but i don't remember the characters' names. . .unfortunately. they were unusual. . .one had a "q" without a "u" with some "a"s. . .but yeah, i'm not remembering them. there was also a euro-centric storyline that included the Fairy Queen and a character named, Elfin. yes, she was an elf. one of the sayings repeated throughout the stories was having faith in Faith and trust in Trust.

while participating on the findhorn listserv, i was inspired by this storyline and got a vision which has been informative for me in this life. thought i'd post it here to share and for later reference.

-.-

elfin sat at the foot of the fairy queen, waiting for her next lesson. the fairy queen pointed at something behind elfin. as she turned to look, she saw a wall of fire, very tall and reaching from one horizon to the other, the burning, popping, cracking sounds deafening.

elfin quickly turned back and with a slight shiver, said, "surely you don't mean for me to walk through that?!" the fairy queen smiled at her with deep, timeless compassion and a slight weariness, or knowing, as if she had done it before herself and said, "yes, little one. remember your faith in Faith and your trust in Trust."

and so, reluctantly, elfin stood and walked toward the wall of fire. she couldn't believe she was doing it! she felt the heat while still many yards away, but continued on. was she voluntarily walking toward her own annihilation?! she began breath of fire, the quick in-out-in-out, to give her courage.

eventually she was there and still the fire raged, extending beyond each horizon. she extended the first toe into the fire--

but what was this sensation? was it heat or was it coolness?! then she found herself walking through a waterfall, equally thunderous and purifying. she dove into the pool and emerged, not recognizing herself.

only her faith in Faith and trust in Trust.

possibly maybe perhaps: new way of being, new humanity

i so love watching M. E. tv at work. drifting through time measured in music videos, such visual sweetness, for the most part, lol.

while watching coldplay's speed o'sound; such indirectness and i wonder at this. this allowing art to move through without identification with the channel. i mean, i don't know coldplay's music/art that well nor do i know anything of their fascade or persona(s). i'm getting this intuitive hit based on that they don't look directly at the camera and the camera doesn't seek out an identification with the performer(s), not until the very end, using it as an exit.

i remember when, seemed that celebrities were new to their role, inventing it as they went, what with drugs to cope and still losing the game to ODing or suicide. still happens. then there was robert redford and his rejection of the media hype. then there was princess di, who was unable to escape. in between, sting's wisdom, claiming that to believe in the person sold as the celebrity was to invite madness. seems new balances are developing, long after warhol predicted everyone's 15 minutes. now we have reality tv (no, i'm not a fan) and celebrities living among us, interacting with us and we're not flippin out bout it. realness, back n forth.

there's constant flux of course, change bein one o'the few constants of the universe.

but what i may've gotten a glimpse of, from the coldplay video, might be a new way o'being. perhaps. possibly. as we learn to release identity and allow art/spirit to flow through unhindered. new ways to allow flow, a new constant. maybe new breathing and being.

maybe.

what would interacting and connecting look like from that place? perhaps something like ecstatic dance. i look forward to exploring it further. this ties in with living within. . .to be with others from an empty internal place, yeah.