here's a toast that came to me for my birthday celebration last night (@ blackstar.coop). the chorus is said loudly, in rhythm, by everyone, then an individual shouts the in between phrases, also in rhythm.
(CHORUS:) ENLIGHTENMENT & LIBERATION!!!
(individual shouts): by the path you choose!
ENLIGHTENMENT & LIBERATION!!!
that there may be peace!
ENLIGHTENMENT & LIBERATION!!!
full awareness and freedom!
ENLIGHTENMENT & LIBERATION!!!
for ALL without exception!
ENLIGHTENMENT & LIBERATION!!!
(then everyone cheers!)
this was the toast we said this evening--great fun!
another 9: 3 leos, 3 RNs, 3 publishers (folks who work in publishing). my birthdays often have interesting 9 phenomena. it's also the 9th anniversary of the WV wreck (that could have killed me). so 3 9s. sweet!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
Appamada
sweet zen center in austin (appamada.org) named for Buddha's last words, interpretted as "wakeful caring." LOVE sitting with them!
also love their 4 principles:
Caught in the self-centered dream, only suffering;
holding to self-centered thoughts, exactly the dream;
each moment, life as it is, the only teacher;
being just this moment, compassion’s way.
-.-
so clean, so empty, so restful. a wonderful place to dwell, full of potential.
labeling myself zen gnostic now :)
also love their 4 principles:
Caught in the self-centered dream, only suffering;
holding to self-centered thoughts, exactly the dream;
each moment, life as it is, the only teacher;
being just this moment, compassion’s way.
-.-
so clean, so empty, so restful. a wonderful place to dwell, full of potential.
labeling myself zen gnostic now :)
Sunday, October 3, 2010
this morning's prayer
worked the overnight shift last night, so this is the prayer that happened as i drifted off to sleep bout 8a--
Holy One,
i am a child, innocent and ignorant. please gently open my awareness, dissolve my ignorance so that i may serve as your tool, to alleviate suffering and point to your true light.
help me to follow the true light (not to get lost like a bug zooming round a parking lot lamp post). for the enlightenment and liberation of all, without exception--
in the name of Logos, Christos & Sophia, Amen.
Holy One,
i am a child, innocent and ignorant. please gently open my awareness, dissolve my ignorance so that i may serve as your tool, to alleviate suffering and point to your true light.
help me to follow the true light (not to get lost like a bug zooming round a parking lot lamp post). for the enlightenment and liberation of all, without exception--
in the name of Logos, Christos & Sophia, Amen.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
october as a window
i was blessed with studying with a wise sikh woman when i lived in phoenix, sangeet khalsa. loved her eastern/new jersey-ish accent. actually can't remember where she was from, so it may've been a new york accent, my ear is not that sophisticated.
she lead women's yoga (plus other topics) classes that were wonderful, enlightening and nourishing. wait! maybe she has a website! i bet she may still be teaching them. . .yes, womanheart was the name of the class. her site is healingsource.com and here's a quote i MUST post--
"From the beginning of time women have gathered together to build and hold sacred energy, to pray for their loved ones, to exchange wisdom and to celebrate all aspects of life. They sat around camp fires, met at all sorts of social events, helped each other with the birthing process and supported each other as the role of modern women expanded in business and public service. When women gather, the heart of this world grows brighter."
such a wonderful teacher!
part of what i learned from her was a bit of ayurvedic numerology, which considers every october a window on the upcoming year. it's just a peak, maybe holding some clues, maybe a bit of grace to help us prepare for what's ahead.
i've always looked at it, also, as a time to attract what i want to manifest in the upcoming year. for instance, when i was single, i made sure to go on some dates. didn't matter if they were hugely successful because during the following year, not only did i date, but there was usually a good relationship that came out of it. there's also putting extra attention into diet and exercise, making sure i get plenty of rest and maybe have a tiny vacation experience, get a massage, those kinds of things.
it's an interesting way to experience time, to weave reality. time & reality aren't linear anyway, so october is an opportunity to entertain all kinds of possibilities.
blessings! :)
she lead women's yoga (plus other topics) classes that were wonderful, enlightening and nourishing. wait! maybe she has a website! i bet she may still be teaching them. . .yes, womanheart was the name of the class. her site is healingsource.com and here's a quote i MUST post--
"From the beginning of time women have gathered together to build and hold sacred energy, to pray for their loved ones, to exchange wisdom and to celebrate all aspects of life. They sat around camp fires, met at all sorts of social events, helped each other with the birthing process and supported each other as the role of modern women expanded in business and public service. When women gather, the heart of this world grows brighter."
such a wonderful teacher!
part of what i learned from her was a bit of ayurvedic numerology, which considers every october a window on the upcoming year. it's just a peak, maybe holding some clues, maybe a bit of grace to help us prepare for what's ahead.
i've always looked at it, also, as a time to attract what i want to manifest in the upcoming year. for instance, when i was single, i made sure to go on some dates. didn't matter if they were hugely successful because during the following year, not only did i date, but there was usually a good relationship that came out of it. there's also putting extra attention into diet and exercise, making sure i get plenty of rest and maybe have a tiny vacation experience, get a massage, those kinds of things.
it's an interesting way to experience time, to weave reality. time & reality aren't linear anyway, so october is an opportunity to entertain all kinds of possibilities.
blessings! :)
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
highlights of the weekend vacation, 8/2010
(originally written as a facebook note, i hope to write more on this weekend soon.)
you could think of these as the series of updates i might've posted, if i'd been online.
or not ;)P
wonderfully cool weather with sunshine. sweet mildness and people watching while serenely waiting for a ride from the airport.
great to see my cousin, kristin, and get a taste of her mundane life--which is the most exquisite way to interact with someone, really. went grocery shopping, said hello to her boys, met her cats, swung in the porch swing, walked through gardens (then the sun was hot). . .but not necessarily in that order, lol.
sweet evening coolness with windows open. watched a sketchy movie, wonderful experience of getting every other word (due to technical difficulties, ha ha ha ha).
great to be joined by two more cousins, sisters rachel & sarah, then off to enjoy the drive through napa valley to indian springs spa. oh. my. goodness. heaven on earth! swimming in naturally warmed mineral water pool, then a salt scrub/body polish with massage--all with these amazingly wonderful smells--then quietness by the "buddha pool." "phenomenologically outstanding" doesn't touch it.
indian springs spa is so sublimely sweet (again, words fail). http://www.indianspringscalistoga.com/spa/
then delicious window seat in a lovely cafe eating homemade pasta and drinking smoky wine. yum!
oh and sunday! sunday--enjoyed some sweet solitude as drove to visit the gnostic sanctuary. http://www.gnosticsanctuary.org/ all tucked away, seeking part of finding it, beautiful colors, beautiful space, beautiful intoxicating scents. bishop rosamonde miller is amazing, with energies that my mouth is unable to describe. brought to tears just arriving, just being there and during the Eucharist. the most profound ritual i've ever experienced, hands down. then delicious conversation over a yummy lunch--SO very grateful--thank you!!!
completed the circle on the drive back. more sweet cousin visitings in cool weather. not much sleep.
they sell emergenC packets at the airport! yes, this may just be a world i can live in ;)
then sweating the minute the plane lands in austin, lol! it's freakin hot here!!! suddenly i've lost what li'l acclimation i had to this weather and miss northern california like it was my home.
i will be back :)
you could think of these as the series of updates i might've posted, if i'd been online.
or not ;)P
wonderfully cool weather with sunshine. sweet mildness and people watching while serenely waiting for a ride from the airport.
great to see my cousin, kristin, and get a taste of her mundane life--which is the most exquisite way to interact with someone, really. went grocery shopping, said hello to her boys, met her cats, swung in the porch swing, walked through gardens (then the sun was hot). . .but not necessarily in that order, lol.
sweet evening coolness with windows open. watched a sketchy movie, wonderful experience of getting every other word (due to technical difficulties, ha ha ha ha).
great to be joined by two more cousins, sisters rachel & sarah, then off to enjoy the drive through napa valley to indian springs spa. oh. my. goodness. heaven on earth! swimming in naturally warmed mineral water pool, then a salt scrub/body polish with massage--all with these amazingly wonderful smells--then quietness by the "buddha pool." "phenomenologically outstanding" doesn't touch it.
indian springs spa is so sublimely sweet (again, words fail). http://www.indianspringscalistoga.com/spa/
then delicious window seat in a lovely cafe eating homemade pasta and drinking smoky wine. yum!
oh and sunday! sunday--enjoyed some sweet solitude as drove to visit the gnostic sanctuary. http://www.gnosticsanctuary.org/ all tucked away, seeking part of finding it, beautiful colors, beautiful space, beautiful intoxicating scents. bishop rosamonde miller is amazing, with energies that my mouth is unable to describe. brought to tears just arriving, just being there and during the Eucharist. the most profound ritual i've ever experienced, hands down. then delicious conversation over a yummy lunch--SO very grateful--thank you!!!
completed the circle on the drive back. more sweet cousin visitings in cool weather. not much sleep.
they sell emergenC packets at the airport! yes, this may just be a world i can live in ;)
then sweating the minute the plane lands in austin, lol! it's freakin hot here!!! suddenly i've lost what li'l acclimation i had to this weather and miss northern california like it was my home.
i will be back :)
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
sometimes
sometimes i fall into despair and anger, railing against all the suffering, knowing in my core it isn't necessary, completely not understanding the point of existence and why. totally convinced there is no positive outcome to make it fair or worthwhile, then crying.
then it rains and i walk outside in the cleansed air and experience the immense diversity that is reality and wonder. this blows my mind as well.
then i'm left to acknowledge my tiny perspective. no, the beauty does not make the suffering irrelevant. i wouldn't even say it makes it bearable. seems like an equal perspective/plane co-existing, both simultaneous.
and i step into a deep sense of mystery and witness and simplicity and breathing.
then it rains and i walk outside in the cleansed air and experience the immense diversity that is reality and wonder. this blows my mind as well.
then i'm left to acknowledge my tiny perspective. no, the beauty does not make the suffering irrelevant. i wouldn't even say it makes it bearable. seems like an equal perspective/plane co-existing, both simultaneous.
and i step into a deep sense of mystery and witness and simplicity and breathing.
Monday, August 2, 2010
confessions of a spiritual lesbian
yes, i'm bi. my partner is a wonderful, very human, man who has taught me more about Love than probably anyone, romantic or otherwise. i've had one experience with one woman that affirms that that would work for me too, but i'm probably slightly more hetero. basically i find everyone beautiful.
there's something different when only women gather. the space and energy are completely different. as sisters, there is something we share that is understood, that needs no defense or argument. women who are silent around men, relax and are more vocal when there's only women. we all relax, actually, easily sharing the spotlight and affirming what's best in/for each of us. the gatherings i've attended, in different belief systems, for different objectives, have all been nourishing in ways that are rarely met when men are present.
i find it easier to learn in these circumstances and with/from women teachers. their teachings seem more immediately relevant and applicable, also often more compassionate.
i have witnessed my spiritual brothers appear to be healed from time spent in men-only gatherings. i have seen them soften and yet also be stronger men, also better able to appreciate women, without having to control or define them. i don't know what happens in their gatherings or what they need from each other that women can't give. i'm ok with not knowing. i'm grateful to have experienced them nourishing themselves as only they can.
i have been feeling deeper into loss, allowing it to be, transforming the longing for what was to the longing of the Divine Beloved. this afternoon, She came to me in a flash--Wild Sophia! and yes--it is She who i desire! She whose presences requires fearlessness, not as a demand, but as a requisite to be fully present in All That She Is, for Lilith and all her shadow aspects are there too!
best to allow Her to destroy you, cut you into pieces! there is nothing to loose--only the illusions that get in the way of true union. leave them behind and breathe into wholeness!
words are lame, lol, and yet something must be said. SO grateful for Divine Connections!
there's something different when only women gather. the space and energy are completely different. as sisters, there is something we share that is understood, that needs no defense or argument. women who are silent around men, relax and are more vocal when there's only women. we all relax, actually, easily sharing the spotlight and affirming what's best in/for each of us. the gatherings i've attended, in different belief systems, for different objectives, have all been nourishing in ways that are rarely met when men are present.
i find it easier to learn in these circumstances and with/from women teachers. their teachings seem more immediately relevant and applicable, also often more compassionate.
i have witnessed my spiritual brothers appear to be healed from time spent in men-only gatherings. i have seen them soften and yet also be stronger men, also better able to appreciate women, without having to control or define them. i don't know what happens in their gatherings or what they need from each other that women can't give. i'm ok with not knowing. i'm grateful to have experienced them nourishing themselves as only they can.
i have been feeling deeper into loss, allowing it to be, transforming the longing for what was to the longing of the Divine Beloved. this afternoon, She came to me in a flash--Wild Sophia! and yes--it is She who i desire! She whose presences requires fearlessness, not as a demand, but as a requisite to be fully present in All That She Is, for Lilith and all her shadow aspects are there too!
best to allow Her to destroy you, cut you into pieces! there is nothing to loose--only the illusions that get in the way of true union. leave them behind and breathe into wholeness!
words are lame, lol, and yet something must be said. SO grateful for Divine Connections!
yeah, what he said
one of my facebook friends had a great update yesterday--
"I am so sick of the male ego and the masculine feeling of superiority, along with the male's archonic display of dominance and authority. I see it every day, day in and day out, and I absolutely abhor these male 'prima donna' types -- those males who accept adulation and privileged treatment as a right and react with petulance to the least criticism or inconvenience." ~Albert Lloyd Williams
so affirming to hear this from a man. certainly fits some recent, unfortunate experiences.
he also has a profile honoring the Divine Feminine--
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=app_2915120374#!/pages/The-Return-of-the-Divine-Feminine/294515654562
"I am so sick of the male ego and the masculine feeling of superiority, along with the male's archonic display of dominance and authority. I see it every day, day in and day out, and I absolutely abhor these male 'prima donna' types -- those males who accept adulation and privileged treatment as a right and react with petulance to the least criticism or inconvenience." ~Albert Lloyd Williams
so affirming to hear this from a man. certainly fits some recent, unfortunate experiences.
he also has a profile honoring the Divine Feminine--
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=app_2915120374#!/pages/The-Return-of-the-Divine-Feminine/294515654562
Sunday, August 1, 2010
more gifts from matthew
"that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." matthew 5:45
gaining insight today on another possible application of this understanding--that the Holy Spirit can flow powerfully through the kind/caring & unkind/uncaring also, through the compassionate and humble as well as the authoritarian and proud, through those who desire connection/mutuality and those who are only self-seeking.
just as i'm grateful that all have rain and shine, i'm also grateful that the Holy Spirit can move powerfully through all.
another one of my favorites; has been very informative & directional--
"He told them still another parable: 'The kingdom of heaven is like yeast that a woman took and mixed into a large amount of flour until it worked all through the dough.'" matthew 13:33
i once heard a great sermon based on this verse, which basically boiled down to we are here to be yeast--to connect and let God's light shine through us.
a simple focus, a great direction.
gaining insight today on another possible application of this understanding--that the Holy Spirit can flow powerfully through the kind/caring & unkind/uncaring also, through the compassionate and humble as well as the authoritarian and proud, through those who desire connection/mutuality and those who are only self-seeking.
just as i'm grateful that all have rain and shine, i'm also grateful that the Holy Spirit can move powerfully through all.
another one of my favorites; has been very informative & directional--
"He told them still another parable: 'The kingdom of heaven is like yeast that a woman took and mixed into a large amount of flour until it worked all through the dough.'" matthew 13:33
i once heard a great sermon based on this verse, which basically boiled down to we are here to be yeast--to connect and let God's light shine through us.
a simple focus, a great direction.
Friday, July 30, 2010
short glimpse
morning
new day
emptiness of non-event
potential of no plans
beautiful void
wishing. hoping
to extend it
to walk in it
always.
new day
emptiness of non-event
potential of no plans
beautiful void
wishing. hoping
to extend it
to walk in it
always.
Friday, July 23, 2010
resistance sensation
sometimes i wonder at my resistance. i don't get it, why/when/how it shows up, slowing me down. occasionally it feels right, like making space for deep integration. but other times, feels more like a limitation or some foreign influence holding me back. not that it is foreign. . .but it doesn't seem consistent with what i'm thinking/feeling i want.
today, exploring memories/sensations, that resistance feels like a heavy blanket on my mind, not unlike extreme fatigue from sleep deprivation. contemplating the metaphor, how it impacts my life, like how survival issues have been such a struggle for so long and seem to get in the way of the spiritual growth i long for. also possibly similar to this extra weight and the effort it will take to get to a healthier weight.
all seems like the same thing. praying for Abba-Imma's will to be done.
today, exploring memories/sensations, that resistance feels like a heavy blanket on my mind, not unlike extreme fatigue from sleep deprivation. contemplating the metaphor, how it impacts my life, like how survival issues have been such a struggle for so long and seem to get in the way of the spiritual growth i long for. also possibly similar to this extra weight and the effort it will take to get to a healthier weight.
all seems like the same thing. praying for Abba-Imma's will to be done.
Friday, July 9, 2010
compost insight
i always put off taking care of the compost 'cause, as you can imagine, it's gross. smelly n gooey in a not-good kinda way. we keep a bucket in the garage n then transfer it to the pile in the backyard when it's full.
usually layer it with shredded paper first. composting all one's shredded documents is the ultimate security! just turns to dirt! :)
so today, raked back the grass clippings, put down the shredding, then poured out the compost bucket. then raked the grass clippings back on top, which covers ;) the odor.
today i was thinking about raw emotions. back in the 70s, it was the *thing,* to be honest and raw with those important to you. in the 80s, that was re-interpreted as "dumping" on people. there's a time and place for everything. the 90s and 00s seem to be moving ever more conservative again, as if the repressed 50s (and earlier) never happened.
recently got feedback to "live within." at first it seemed like more conservative repression, but i think it's something different. it's not that feelings are never expressed. still contemplating it and what that means in my day-to-day life. today with the composting, i got that the raw gooey foods were like raw emotions, sorta stinky, lol, and best left covered up a bit until they can break down into dirt. it's not that they're "bad" or that expressing them is a mistake, not exactly. but given time, their expression can be much more valuable, more useful, like dirt in a garden.
yeah :)
then later trimmed the rosemary in the front. aaahh! love the scent--what heaven! as dumped it onto the compost, i was struck by how things just keep growing, no matter what. a large sunflower had grown up from the side of the compost, but then was practically completely devoured by bugs. they've been bad this year with all the rain. but this afternoon i noticed a new bloom with a few tiny leaves (the original leaves were a good 8" across!). that's Nature/Holy Mother-Bride--an amazing, unlimited source for growth--relentlessly available! wahe guru!
usually layer it with shredded paper first. composting all one's shredded documents is the ultimate security! just turns to dirt! :)
so today, raked back the grass clippings, put down the shredding, then poured out the compost bucket. then raked the grass clippings back on top, which covers ;) the odor.
today i was thinking about raw emotions. back in the 70s, it was the *thing,* to be honest and raw with those important to you. in the 80s, that was re-interpreted as "dumping" on people. there's a time and place for everything. the 90s and 00s seem to be moving ever more conservative again, as if the repressed 50s (and earlier) never happened.
recently got feedback to "live within." at first it seemed like more conservative repression, but i think it's something different. it's not that feelings are never expressed. still contemplating it and what that means in my day-to-day life. today with the composting, i got that the raw gooey foods were like raw emotions, sorta stinky, lol, and best left covered up a bit until they can break down into dirt. it's not that they're "bad" or that expressing them is a mistake, not exactly. but given time, their expression can be much more valuable, more useful, like dirt in a garden.
yeah :)
then later trimmed the rosemary in the front. aaahh! love the scent--what heaven! as dumped it onto the compost, i was struck by how things just keep growing, no matter what. a large sunflower had grown up from the side of the compost, but then was practically completely devoured by bugs. they've been bad this year with all the rain. but this afternoon i noticed a new bloom with a few tiny leaves (the original leaves were a good 8" across!). that's Nature/Holy Mother-Bride--an amazing, unlimited source for growth--relentlessly available! wahe guru!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
social justice and releasing aversions
i believe Christians are called, in part, to serve the oppressed and support socially just solutions to suffering. really appreciate walter wink's, the powers that be, and his political insights into Jesus' teachings, clearing up the misconceptions of his nonviolent resistant actions of how to shock or inspire the oppressor into perceiving/treating the oppressed as equals. clare boothe luce also described eleanor roosevelt as *getting* it, "No woman has ever so comforted the distressed or distressed the comfortable." this call has lead me to pursue social work as a profession with the idea of doing counseling, supporting social justice on the individual level, through body-centered psychotherapies like Hakomi and Family Constellation Workshops.
contemplating this and releasing aversions. much good comes from releasing aversions, especially when this enables us to release judgment or open our hearts wider, to be more available for connecting with others. releasing aversions informs releasing conflict, really where i'm at these days.
yes, so i'm still in the middle of it. how to know when to release an aversion and when to speak to injustice? recently i spoke when it may've been more productive to at least be silent and wait. still considering it all.
and what of social justice? or on a personal level, what of wrongful accusation(s)?
today a beautiful soul, Yakov-Leib HaKohain, gifted me with, in our discussion, this great metaphor from Sri Ramakrishna: "I don't have to see you eating radishes to to know you've eaten them. I know you've eaten radishes by the smell of radishes on your breath."
that is such a great metaphor because it so excellently illustrates the subtlety of interactions, sometimes accusations and the Divine Mirror. we're talkin bout elements as subtle as breath and scent. how can i trust your accusation that i've been eating radishes, when i haven't, but you claim you can smell radishes on my breath--especially since i've been watching you eat radishes?!
seems important to practice serving social justice by seeking just (fair) personal relationships/interactions. especially when diving deep into personal exploration/discovery. it's ok to be careful with me as i want everyone to be careful with themselves. and yet to explore the accusation, to consider it is harmless. accusations about thoughts, so subtle, so difficult to discern what's what, to navigate one's way. when nothing's at risk, no biggee. but when it's about someone's power over another, then it's worth the extra time/energy/exploration to get clear.
i will be learning more about projections, transference, counter-transference, etc, soon with my first internship coming up this fall. really looking forward to it! and have been reviewing all this with my therapist, a trusted expert who i know will confront me as necessary and support my best. so grateful for her! she's told me awesome stories that affirm trusting Unconditional Love. aaahh, yes.
so this blog doesn't really answer any questions, so much as ask more. exploring how to know while continuing to contemplate being empty, living within, releasing aversions while also seeking to serve social justice.
contemplating this and releasing aversions. much good comes from releasing aversions, especially when this enables us to release judgment or open our hearts wider, to be more available for connecting with others. releasing aversions informs releasing conflict, really where i'm at these days.
yes, so i'm still in the middle of it. how to know when to release an aversion and when to speak to injustice? recently i spoke when it may've been more productive to at least be silent and wait. still considering it all.
and what of social justice? or on a personal level, what of wrongful accusation(s)?
today a beautiful soul, Yakov-Leib HaKohain, gifted me with, in our discussion, this great metaphor from Sri Ramakrishna: "I don't have to see you eating radishes to to know you've eaten them. I know you've eaten radishes by the smell of radishes on your breath."
that is such a great metaphor because it so excellently illustrates the subtlety of interactions, sometimes accusations and the Divine Mirror. we're talkin bout elements as subtle as breath and scent. how can i trust your accusation that i've been eating radishes, when i haven't, but you claim you can smell radishes on my breath--especially since i've been watching you eat radishes?!
seems important to practice serving social justice by seeking just (fair) personal relationships/interactions. especially when diving deep into personal exploration/discovery. it's ok to be careful with me as i want everyone to be careful with themselves. and yet to explore the accusation, to consider it is harmless. accusations about thoughts, so subtle, so difficult to discern what's what, to navigate one's way. when nothing's at risk, no biggee. but when it's about someone's power over another, then it's worth the extra time/energy/exploration to get clear.
i will be learning more about projections, transference, counter-transference, etc, soon with my first internship coming up this fall. really looking forward to it! and have been reviewing all this with my therapist, a trusted expert who i know will confront me as necessary and support my best. so grateful for her! she's told me awesome stories that affirm trusting Unconditional Love. aaahh, yes.
so this blog doesn't really answer any questions, so much as ask more. exploring how to know while continuing to contemplate being empty, living within, releasing aversions while also seeking to serve social justice.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
testing the waters
on respect: all beings deserve respect simply because they exist.
yet trust must be earned; it cannot be demanded by anyone, no matter who they claim to be or the nature of a shared relationship.
i desire a teacher that i can test. of course, i will be tested and challenged. and with highest respects, i desire the freedom to ask questions. that's how trust grows deeper.
as a parent, i've allowed my son to ask any question, even to speak to me disrespectfully on occasion. then, lovingly, i set limits for comfortable conversation. he's learned. i'm only asking for what i've extended/given.
trust grows through dialog. of course, the teacher could set limits, even be harsh if necessary, within the relationship. silence can be an excellent teacher.
and i have oh so much to learn, lol.
6.25.10--
i can trust Unconditional Love, relaxing into the infinite spaciousness of it, breathing easier.
Monday, June 21, 2010
One of the Wisdoms in Matthew
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your sibling's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your sibling, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your sibling's eye." Matthew 7:3-5
this verse has been a comfort to me on multiple occasions and returned to me again today as a comfort regarding a recent loss when, after setting a healthy boundary, i lost a profound relationship. this verse helps me with projections, which can be so confusing, with my moon in libra, making all relationships seem like a hall of infinite mirrors where i can't tell who's who. is this mine or yours? why are you saying it's mine when i've experienced it as yours on numerous occasions and i have no feelings for it? while i may not have any "sticky" feelings for what you're judging me about, i do have feelings about being wrongfully accused.
so then, how can one be clear?
so i always go to the place of: i dunno if i'm the one with the speck or the plank, i have no attachment to either position. i could easily be the one with the plank. but if you're unwilling to be human, to admit to even the possibility of a speck or ever having a history of a speck, then why should i let you so close to my vulnerable eyes?
that's something else i continue to appreciate about my beloved urban dance tribe: the willingness to discuss as equals our humanity, our mutual blocks to our vision, the mirror we present to each other, which enables and empowers us to clear our vision ourselves.
so that we can have eyes to see.
it's an ongoing process. i don't claim to have completely clear vision. but when i can see plainly, that you have something similar to the plank you claim i have, when i can see something of that in your eye, that you aren't willing to discuss, then let's just leave each other be. i will contemplate your claim. when you're willing to discuss the possibility that perhaps, i may see something too, then we can explore our visions together again.
meanwhile i will continue seeking healthy, mutually respectful relationships, leaving all others be and, if necessary, leaving them behind.
this verse has been a comfort to me on multiple occasions and returned to me again today as a comfort regarding a recent loss when, after setting a healthy boundary, i lost a profound relationship. this verse helps me with projections, which can be so confusing, with my moon in libra, making all relationships seem like a hall of infinite mirrors where i can't tell who's who. is this mine or yours? why are you saying it's mine when i've experienced it as yours on numerous occasions and i have no feelings for it? while i may not have any "sticky" feelings for what you're judging me about, i do have feelings about being wrongfully accused.
so then, how can one be clear?
so i always go to the place of: i dunno if i'm the one with the speck or the plank, i have no attachment to either position. i could easily be the one with the plank. but if you're unwilling to be human, to admit to even the possibility of a speck or ever having a history of a speck, then why should i let you so close to my vulnerable eyes?
that's something else i continue to appreciate about my beloved urban dance tribe: the willingness to discuss as equals our humanity, our mutual blocks to our vision, the mirror we present to each other, which enables and empowers us to clear our vision ourselves.
so that we can have eyes to see.
it's an ongoing process. i don't claim to have completely clear vision. but when i can see plainly, that you have something similar to the plank you claim i have, when i can see something of that in your eye, that you aren't willing to discuss, then let's just leave each other be. i will contemplate your claim. when you're willing to discuss the possibility that perhaps, i may see something too, then we can explore our visions together again.
meanwhile i will continue seeking healthy, mutually respectful relationships, leaving all others be and, if necessary, leaving them behind.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
an insight & early morning dream
yesterday i had an aaahh (sorta like an ah-ha, but a li'l different) insight from the mirror of brittle defensiveness around authority. i wrote bout my wish that all in authority would be free to rest in it. there are ways to hold authority comfortably, allowing dialog that informs and teaches while still being the final say. it's a way of breathing.
then yesterday the aaahh insight hit me: i can also do this when others project their negativity onto me! yeah. [breathing] i can rest in my own ultimate authority. i can give space/time to their feedback in silence, which isn't agreement, and let it be for a time, continuing to center in what i know to be true--releasing aversion to negative projections! i'm so ready to be free from that and releasing aversion to them! the only power they have over me is the power i give them. yeah, lol.
so a short bit ago i had a dream where i had left my car on one side of a lake and took a boat to the other side, not being careful to note where exactly i left it or how i would get back to it. i was going to a class. turned out that we were just sitting and reading, which i can do at home, so i got up to go, but then was having trouble getting back to my car. i was getting help from the authorities (lol), but i was still uneasy how careless i'd been.
now that i'm awake, seems like i could almost see my car from the shore i was on.
dreams are funny :)
then yesterday the aaahh insight hit me: i can also do this when others project their negativity onto me! yeah. [breathing] i can rest in my own ultimate authority. i can give space/time to their feedback in silence, which isn't agreement, and let it be for a time, continuing to center in what i know to be true--releasing aversion to negative projections! i'm so ready to be free from that and releasing aversion to them! the only power they have over me is the power i give them. yeah, lol.
so a short bit ago i had a dream where i had left my car on one side of a lake and took a boat to the other side, not being careful to note where exactly i left it or how i would get back to it. i was going to a class. turned out that we were just sitting and reading, which i can do at home, so i got up to go, but then was having trouble getting back to my car. i was getting help from the authorities (lol), but i was still uneasy how careless i'd been.
now that i'm awake, seems like i could almost see my car from the shore i was on.
dreams are funny :)
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
ch-ch-ch-changes
processing all the silliness and learning. had a great, healing chat with an online friend, a canadian mage, whose insights were very helpful. the point of sharing all this is that maybe someone else might benefit. or maybe i can re-read it in the future if i find myself in similar circumstances.
ultimately i'd prefer to heal from this pattern of finding myself in a relationship, usually with a group, that i dearly LOVE but where i'm being asked to surrender my perception of my experience and agree to their negative view of me. which is something that happened with my mom a lot growing up but i'm sure is something i brought into this life from before.
but before i get into that, there are at least a couple things i could've done better with this recent incident (silliness). first, if i'd been more committed to *living within* then rather than expressing my feelings to my friend, i would've been able to interject more grace into the interactions. there's value in creating space to experience events more deeply rather than expressing superficial reactions. i'm not saying never speak to them, only giving some space/time to simply breathing, then seeing what's left after. maybe dance/move and then see what's left after that. also i wonder what would've happened if i'd asked, "do i get to have authority over my own experience?" that may not have changed anything, but still i wonder what the response would've been. i think the response may've been more informative.
so on to the chat with my mage friend. he made several good points that i took notes on.
1. there's drama in mysticism when a person is down-to-earth or rational and the group isn't healthy. if the group is healthy, there is space for dialog, independent thought, working things out. if the group is dysfunctional, then the rational folks are pushed out.
2. encourage individualism. if any/all unusual expression, even if not agreed with, is supported, then it helps avoid groupthink.
3. take an active role in communications. which i always try to do, but found it often difficult in that group. at least i can feel secure that i tried. and i can continue to work on a communication style that is less threatening. seems like i'm always unintentionally threatening folks. got a bad case o'sag mouth (sagittarius are known for being brutally honest and confrontational). my friend supportively said there are worse afflictions.
4. use humor more. been working on this one for several years, especially with parenting, and am getting better. sometimes my humor is too sarcastic, but again, i can keep working on it.
5. good form: compliment, criticism, silliness. his friend calls it a "shit sandwich." it's a form i've been using for years, especially when i was supervising; seemed to work really well. had a coworker call me on it, but he wasn't really saying don't do it. silliness as in, making fun of self to put the other at ease. i think of it as a way to acknowledge our common humanity. yeah, my experience supervising has been informative through all this, to look back on a leadership style that integrates feedback. it's also my parenting style.
integrating feedback: what a concept!
my hope is that one day, All in positions of authority will know how to rest in it, holding authority comfortably, releasing unnecessary brittle defensiveness, allowing dialog as a teaching tool because dialog is not threatening and only makes their position and their students/subordinates stronger; is only enlivening and creates a thriving environment for everyone.
there's, of course, a possibility that this isn't so much of a *pattern* as it is one way to grow from group to group. looking back, the process appears like a natural progression, not so much that anything was wrong, per se.
meanwhile, another gnostic friend recommended gnosticsanctuary.org and i'm feeling even more at home! time will tell :)
ultimately i'd prefer to heal from this pattern of finding myself in a relationship, usually with a group, that i dearly LOVE but where i'm being asked to surrender my perception of my experience and agree to their negative view of me. which is something that happened with my mom a lot growing up but i'm sure is something i brought into this life from before.
but before i get into that, there are at least a couple things i could've done better with this recent incident (silliness). first, if i'd been more committed to *living within* then rather than expressing my feelings to my friend, i would've been able to interject more grace into the interactions. there's value in creating space to experience events more deeply rather than expressing superficial reactions. i'm not saying never speak to them, only giving some space/time to simply breathing, then seeing what's left after. maybe dance/move and then see what's left after that. also i wonder what would've happened if i'd asked, "do i get to have authority over my own experience?" that may not have changed anything, but still i wonder what the response would've been. i think the response may've been more informative.
so on to the chat with my mage friend. he made several good points that i took notes on.
1. there's drama in mysticism when a person is down-to-earth or rational and the group isn't healthy. if the group is healthy, there is space for dialog, independent thought, working things out. if the group is dysfunctional, then the rational folks are pushed out.
2. encourage individualism. if any/all unusual expression, even if not agreed with, is supported, then it helps avoid groupthink.
3. take an active role in communications. which i always try to do, but found it often difficult in that group. at least i can feel secure that i tried. and i can continue to work on a communication style that is less threatening. seems like i'm always unintentionally threatening folks. got a bad case o'sag mouth (sagittarius are known for being brutally honest and confrontational). my friend supportively said there are worse afflictions.
4. use humor more. been working on this one for several years, especially with parenting, and am getting better. sometimes my humor is too sarcastic, but again, i can keep working on it.
5. good form: compliment, criticism, silliness. his friend calls it a "shit sandwich." it's a form i've been using for years, especially when i was supervising; seemed to work really well. had a coworker call me on it, but he wasn't really saying don't do it. silliness as in, making fun of self to put the other at ease. i think of it as a way to acknowledge our common humanity. yeah, my experience supervising has been informative through all this, to look back on a leadership style that integrates feedback. it's also my parenting style.
integrating feedback: what a concept!
my hope is that one day, All in positions of authority will know how to rest in it, holding authority comfortably, releasing unnecessary brittle defensiveness, allowing dialog as a teaching tool because dialog is not threatening and only makes their position and their students/subordinates stronger; is only enlivening and creates a thriving environment for everyone.
there's, of course, a possibility that this isn't so much of a *pattern* as it is one way to grow from group to group. looking back, the process appears like a natural progression, not so much that anything was wrong, per se.
meanwhile, another gnostic friend recommended gnosticsanctuary.org and i'm feeling even more at home! time will tell :)
Monday, May 31, 2010
what's the point of gnosis if i'm supposed to deny my experience?!
k, i can go to that paradoxical place, that perhaps gnosis is gained when experience is surrendered. i can go there. i jes sincerely never thought it would be through being blamed for things i haven't thought or said and being asked to change attitudes i don't have while joining in my teacher's reality that he doesn't make mistakes.
right.
then where's humility? i mean, the situation begins to look more like bullying. . .or even brain washing. ain't playin that game.
it's all so strange. . .starting off as someone else's lack of communication, which i initially found upsetting, but had decided not to say anything about it. but a friend felt compelled to, even though i asked her not to, which is her choice. i wish she hadn't, but she's a free agent. so the drama gets high and things get way twisted. i get misrepresented multiple times and there are layers upon layers of inaccuracy, but no dialog allowed. somehow i'm being disrespectful, which i totally don't get. meanwhile i'm watching those accusing me of being disrespectful, lacking in respect of themselves and others. maybe they think disagreement=disrespect, which aren't the same thing.
oh, and the friend who told my story without my permission? she's asked to stay in the group.
whole thang ain't fair, but Life often isn't.
gratefully, i've felt Holy Mother-Bride's presence through this whole mess. i'm sure she'll explain it all to me with time.
so i was once too radical for a group called 'mayhem,' n they banned me. now looks like i'm too heretical for gnostics n gettin banned again! i'm really not that outrageous--Really!!! lol! i'm actually pretty mousey, by some folks standards. [sigh] ah well, Life goes on.
and on and on and on. . . .
right.
then where's humility? i mean, the situation begins to look more like bullying. . .or even brain washing. ain't playin that game.
it's all so strange. . .starting off as someone else's lack of communication, which i initially found upsetting, but had decided not to say anything about it. but a friend felt compelled to, even though i asked her not to, which is her choice. i wish she hadn't, but she's a free agent. so the drama gets high and things get way twisted. i get misrepresented multiple times and there are layers upon layers of inaccuracy, but no dialog allowed. somehow i'm being disrespectful, which i totally don't get. meanwhile i'm watching those accusing me of being disrespectful, lacking in respect of themselves and others. maybe they think disagreement=disrespect, which aren't the same thing.
oh, and the friend who told my story without my permission? she's asked to stay in the group.
whole thang ain't fair, but Life often isn't.
gratefully, i've felt Holy Mother-Bride's presence through this whole mess. i'm sure she'll explain it all to me with time.
so i was once too radical for a group called 'mayhem,' n they banned me. now looks like i'm too heretical for gnostics n gettin banned again! i'm really not that outrageous--Really!!! lol! i'm actually pretty mousey, by some folks standards. [sigh] ah well, Life goes on.
and on and on and on. . . .
Sunday, May 16, 2010
when the internet was new: a story of Elfin
this morning i was reminded of a series of stories from way back in the early 90s, when i was new to the internet. i had been a stay-at-home mom but then my first job after putting my son in daycare at almost 3--he was SO ready! :D--this first job was in 93. i was working at UT and signed up for my first, several email listservs, one of which was for those interested in findhorn (findhorn.org). one member wrote all her posts metaphorically--which i loved! i found it to be an amazing way to communicate, through story, especially in the often misunderstood medium of plain type on screen. many on the list didn't appreciate her indirect means of communication, criticizing and attacking her for it which i found very unfortunate. eventually she was dropped/blocked from the list.
before her exit, she had woven an amazing world that we were all apart of that also included fictional characters. one story happened on the African plains. it was marvelous but i don't remember the characters' names. . .unfortunately. they were unusual. . .one had a "q" without a "u" with some "a"s. . .but yeah, i'm not remembering them. there was also a euro-centric storyline that included the Fairy Queen and a character named, Elfin. yes, she was an elf. one of the sayings repeated throughout the stories was having faith in Faith and trust in Trust.
while participating on the findhorn listserv, i was inspired by this storyline and got a vision which has been informative for me in this life. thought i'd post it here to share and for later reference.
-.-
elfin sat at the foot of the fairy queen, waiting for her next lesson. the fairy queen pointed at something behind elfin. as she turned to look, she saw a wall of fire, very tall and reaching from one horizon to the other, the burning, popping, cracking sounds deafening.
elfin quickly turned back and with a slight shiver, said, "surely you don't mean for me to walk through that?!" the fairy queen smiled at her with deep, timeless compassion and a slight weariness, or knowing, as if she had done it before herself and said, "yes, little one. remember your faith in Faith and your trust in Trust."
and so, reluctantly, elfin stood and walked toward the wall of fire. she couldn't believe she was doing it! she felt the heat while still many yards away, but continued on. was she voluntarily walking toward her own annihilation?! she began breath of fire, the quick in-out-in-out, to give her courage.
eventually she was there and still the fire raged, extending beyond each horizon. she extended the first toe into the fire--
but what was this sensation? was it heat or was it coolness?! then she found herself walking through a waterfall, equally thunderous and purifying. she dove into the pool and emerged, not recognizing herself.
only her faith in Faith and trust in Trust.
before her exit, she had woven an amazing world that we were all apart of that also included fictional characters. one story happened on the African plains. it was marvelous but i don't remember the characters' names. . .unfortunately. they were unusual. . .one had a "q" without a "u" with some "a"s. . .but yeah, i'm not remembering them. there was also a euro-centric storyline that included the Fairy Queen and a character named, Elfin. yes, she was an elf. one of the sayings repeated throughout the stories was having faith in Faith and trust in Trust.
while participating on the findhorn listserv, i was inspired by this storyline and got a vision which has been informative for me in this life. thought i'd post it here to share and for later reference.
-.-
elfin sat at the foot of the fairy queen, waiting for her next lesson. the fairy queen pointed at something behind elfin. as she turned to look, she saw a wall of fire, very tall and reaching from one horizon to the other, the burning, popping, cracking sounds deafening.
elfin quickly turned back and with a slight shiver, said, "surely you don't mean for me to walk through that?!" the fairy queen smiled at her with deep, timeless compassion and a slight weariness, or knowing, as if she had done it before herself and said, "yes, little one. remember your faith in Faith and your trust in Trust."
and so, reluctantly, elfin stood and walked toward the wall of fire. she couldn't believe she was doing it! she felt the heat while still many yards away, but continued on. was she voluntarily walking toward her own annihilation?! she began breath of fire, the quick in-out-in-out, to give her courage.
eventually she was there and still the fire raged, extending beyond each horizon. she extended the first toe into the fire--
but what was this sensation? was it heat or was it coolness?! then she found herself walking through a waterfall, equally thunderous and purifying. she dove into the pool and emerged, not recognizing herself.
only her faith in Faith and trust in Trust.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
possibly maybe perhaps: new way of being, new humanity
i so love watching M. E. tv at work. drifting through time measured in music videos, such visual sweetness, for the most part, lol.
while watching coldplay's speed o'sound; such indirectness and i wonder at this. this allowing art to move through without identification with the channel. i mean, i don't know coldplay's music/art that well nor do i know anything of their fascade or persona(s). i'm getting this intuitive hit based on that they don't look directly at the camera and the camera doesn't seek out an identification with the performer(s), not until the very end, using it as an exit.
i remember when, seemed that celebrities were new to their role, inventing it as they went, what with drugs to cope and still losing the game to ODing or suicide. still happens. then there was robert redford and his rejection of the media hype. then there was princess di, who was unable to escape. in between, sting's wisdom, claiming that to believe in the person sold as the celebrity was to invite madness. seems new balances are developing, long after warhol predicted everyone's 15 minutes. now we have reality tv (no, i'm not a fan) and celebrities living among us, interacting with us and we're not flippin out bout it. realness, back n forth.
there's constant flux of course, change bein one o'the few constants of the universe.
but what i may've gotten a glimpse of, from the coldplay video, might be a new way o'being. perhaps. possibly. as we learn to release identity and allow art/spirit to flow through unhindered. new ways to allow flow, a new constant. maybe new breathing and being.
maybe.
what would interacting and connecting look like from that place? perhaps something like ecstatic dance. i look forward to exploring it further. this ties in with living within. . .to be with others from an empty internal place, yeah.
while watching coldplay's speed o'sound; such indirectness and i wonder at this. this allowing art to move through without identification with the channel. i mean, i don't know coldplay's music/art that well nor do i know anything of their fascade or persona(s). i'm getting this intuitive hit based on that they don't look directly at the camera and the camera doesn't seek out an identification with the performer(s), not until the very end, using it as an exit.
i remember when, seemed that celebrities were new to their role, inventing it as they went, what with drugs to cope and still losing the game to ODing or suicide. still happens. then there was robert redford and his rejection of the media hype. then there was princess di, who was unable to escape. in between, sting's wisdom, claiming that to believe in the person sold as the celebrity was to invite madness. seems new balances are developing, long after warhol predicted everyone's 15 minutes. now we have reality tv (no, i'm not a fan) and celebrities living among us, interacting with us and we're not flippin out bout it. realness, back n forth.
there's constant flux of course, change bein one o'the few constants of the universe.
but what i may've gotten a glimpse of, from the coldplay video, might be a new way o'being. perhaps. possibly. as we learn to release identity and allow art/spirit to flow through unhindered. new ways to allow flow, a new constant. maybe new breathing and being.
maybe.
what would interacting and connecting look like from that place? perhaps something like ecstatic dance. i look forward to exploring it further. this ties in with living within. . .to be with others from an empty internal place, yeah.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
dreamin o'whales n livin within
i used to dream of whales a lot. at least i interpreted the images as whales. i would find myself swimming in a deep body of water, not an ocean, more like a lake, and there would be very large beings, shadows, swimming beneath me. felt sorta scary.
at the time, in my 20s, i interpreted those dreams as a deeper part of myself communicating with me and took it to a very literal place, thinking i needed to deep sea dive with whales. i've always felt a connection with whales, studying them in my free time in grade school. once i saw an imax film on whales and cried through the whole thing. tears of longing. strange, but real. i would still like to deep sea dive with whales, but i think there was more to the dream.
thought bout studying marine biology but that didn't happen. too easily discouraged by a stranger with initials behind his name. these things happen and then we learn. in recent months i painted my room colors i find soothing, that turned out very watery. the wall with a window, opposite the door/entrance, is a deep blue and the other three walls are a pale green, only slightly darker than light through coke bottle glass or probably, similar to light in shallow ocean water. then aqua curtains fit really well and now my room has a ocean quality. good for day sleeping too (since i work nights).
since those times (20s) i've been diving deeper, exploring internal realities, curious bout the structures that our external, shared reality is based on. learning. . .how is it that i can work on my internal issues and my external reality shifts so drastically? how is it that, sometimes, there are no external changes and yet, everything seems so very different?
i've been grateful to live with this "magic" for well over a decade. something i learned before my son was born: there's nothing in the universe you can love or hate that isn't reflecting back to you something you love/hate about yourself. work that mirror! the results are amazing, nothing short of miraculous! sometimes it's about clearing, sometimes healing and somethings accepting or making peace with What Is. in each case, something that troubled me, i became free of. cleared out pet peeves to start. so nice to be rid of those nuisances.
it's a nice tool.
so recently, when some spiritual friends online suggested i "live within," my response was, "what?! i already live within!" i was caught off guard. i meditate, i pray throughout the day, i contemplate. what are they talking about?!
but i had been posting on some social struggles, in this case gender-based, and even though i was owning my issues, i was getting the 'living within' feedback. ok, clearly time to dive deeper.
that's the thing--there's no limit. there's always more! so we're gifted with this amazing tool (mirror) and there's no end to how we can contemplate what we're being shown.
also a few years ago, while recovering from the WV experience (2001) and not knowing what i wanted, for anything, i wondered what my inner child would want. seemed at the time like she might have more of a clue than i could see. what i'm getting with this recent feedback is that--i used to live more within, like it was a natural state as a child, but when my reality was not only not affirmed but distorted by feedback from my caregivers, i was frightened and didn't know what was real, didn't feel real. over the years since, i've healed and learned good resources, if/when i need to check on What's Real, so i can release this fear. i think it was this old, no longer needed fear that prompted me to post recently about my social struggles.
now i'm free to return to a more natural state: living within. i can breathe much easier now. i feel renewed at a primal level. there's a deeper peace that i didn't even know. . .was possible or that was lacking. . .that has been calling me, but my consciousness wasn't understanding.
growing my ears, lol. my stepfather would now make a joke bout Lutherans and their big ears, lol!
sweet laughter on the path of learning. perhaps i may deep sea dive with whales one day, but if not, there is another experience that calls to me, more strongly.
at the time, in my 20s, i interpreted those dreams as a deeper part of myself communicating with me and took it to a very literal place, thinking i needed to deep sea dive with whales. i've always felt a connection with whales, studying them in my free time in grade school. once i saw an imax film on whales and cried through the whole thing. tears of longing. strange, but real. i would still like to deep sea dive with whales, but i think there was more to the dream.
thought bout studying marine biology but that didn't happen. too easily discouraged by a stranger with initials behind his name. these things happen and then we learn. in recent months i painted my room colors i find soothing, that turned out very watery. the wall with a window, opposite the door/entrance, is a deep blue and the other three walls are a pale green, only slightly darker than light through coke bottle glass or probably, similar to light in shallow ocean water. then aqua curtains fit really well and now my room has a ocean quality. good for day sleeping too (since i work nights).
since those times (20s) i've been diving deeper, exploring internal realities, curious bout the structures that our external, shared reality is based on. learning. . .how is it that i can work on my internal issues and my external reality shifts so drastically? how is it that, sometimes, there are no external changes and yet, everything seems so very different?
i've been grateful to live with this "magic" for well over a decade. something i learned before my son was born: there's nothing in the universe you can love or hate that isn't reflecting back to you something you love/hate about yourself. work that mirror! the results are amazing, nothing short of miraculous! sometimes it's about clearing, sometimes healing and somethings accepting or making peace with What Is. in each case, something that troubled me, i became free of. cleared out pet peeves to start. so nice to be rid of those nuisances.
it's a nice tool.
so recently, when some spiritual friends online suggested i "live within," my response was, "what?! i already live within!" i was caught off guard. i meditate, i pray throughout the day, i contemplate. what are they talking about?!
but i had been posting on some social struggles, in this case gender-based, and even though i was owning my issues, i was getting the 'living within' feedback. ok, clearly time to dive deeper.
that's the thing--there's no limit. there's always more! so we're gifted with this amazing tool (mirror) and there's no end to how we can contemplate what we're being shown.
also a few years ago, while recovering from the WV experience (2001) and not knowing what i wanted, for anything, i wondered what my inner child would want. seemed at the time like she might have more of a clue than i could see. what i'm getting with this recent feedback is that--i used to live more within, like it was a natural state as a child, but when my reality was not only not affirmed but distorted by feedback from my caregivers, i was frightened and didn't know what was real, didn't feel real. over the years since, i've healed and learned good resources, if/when i need to check on What's Real, so i can release this fear. i think it was this old, no longer needed fear that prompted me to post recently about my social struggles.
now i'm free to return to a more natural state: living within. i can breathe much easier now. i feel renewed at a primal level. there's a deeper peace that i didn't even know. . .was possible or that was lacking. . .that has been calling me, but my consciousness wasn't understanding.
growing my ears, lol. my stepfather would now make a joke bout Lutherans and their big ears, lol!
sweet laughter on the path of learning. perhaps i may deep sea dive with whales one day, but if not, there is another experience that calls to me, more strongly.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
culture shock & releasing expectations
back in the late 80s, early 90s, i attended several scott peck community building workshops based on his book, a different drum. really good experiences. about 40 people would gather, most all not knowing each other before the weekend, and we would somehow make our way to community where we would end up loving each other, like a close-knit family. truly wonderful! one part of the path between disconnected strangers to connected friends is releasing expectations. only by emptying ourselves of those, as well as the need to fix others and maybe a few other elements that aren't at the forefront of my mind at the moment, could we arrive at community. it was also interesting to me that some individuals arrived at community before others. the process was described as the whole group arriving together, but every group is composed of individuals with differing states of being, so it made sense to me that some might arrive at different times.
every spiritual path has it's own culture and i'm still learning the culture of this path that still feels new to me, that i just stepped onto about this time last year, the last saturday in april. the first several months were amazing--like a long awaited homecoming that i didn't know i was looking for! my internal experiences were so "loud," i felt so much pressure to learn-learn-learn-learn-learn, that it was challenging to just breathe and be.
then in november, when taking my son to halfprice books and *accidentally* forgetting to grab a book to read while i waited on him, i went to scan the books in the gnostic section. the way of a pilgrim practically jumped off the shelf at me. a wonderful found story of a eastern orthodox russian pilgrim who was taken with the idea of praying without ceasing. that prayer, which i use often as an internal mantra, has relieved a lot of the pressure i had been feeling and has been a great comfort.
and so as time passes, other events also indirectly effect my expectations. an ecstatic dance group, body choir, that'd been my main spiritual path for over 12 years, declined and is now on hiatus. so i miss my urban dance tribe and its culture.
so i think part of my culture shock with the local gnostic group is colored by missing the urban dance tribe culture. clearly all my spiritual needs weren't being met or i wouldn't have looked for a way to dive deeper. so there are gifts to each group that i wish (speaking to the expectation) could be combined. important that i Make Peace with What Is again. (Making Peace with What Is is something i did a lot of in my 30s.)
one way to describe the groups different strengths would be to describe them as horizontal or vertical. while body choir presented the opportunity for vertically tuning in during the dance, what i'm missing most is the horizontal aspect of the culture. folks walking their talk, living their lives centered in compassion, harmlessness (ahimsa) and empowerment/justice. not that there weren't flaws in those areas, but that most everyone carried the consciousness of doing that through, for example, nonviolent communication, which was taught by a member. lots o'conscious languaging that i didn't realize i was taking for granted.
but i wanted to dive deeper into meaning, into the structures that our reality is based on, into kabbalah and other ancient wisdom systems (vertical). so much of the ecstatic dance path seemed to be about doing what feels right--compassion, harmlessness and empowerment have sensations that are excellent guides--but going only by feeling isn't enough, i don't think. it's too easy to be distracted by other things that also feel good.
for me, i also want to explore beyond sensation, to safely stretch my consciousness on a path i can trust. so this gnostic path serves that purpose by being grounded in christianity. this is truly what i was looking for. and i have so, so much to learn. it's truly nourishing my soul (vertically).
unfortunately the social, horizontal aspect is awkward for me. honestly, social interactions have never been my strong suit, so clearly, i have tons to learn in this arena as well. so i need to release expectations of how social interactions "should" be, of how communication "should" flow between people and again, Make Peace with What Is. i don't like how i am when i experience this culture shock; feels like righteous indignation, but that's absurd. there's no ground to stand on for that; it's not productive in any way.
better to move deeper into silent witness. so much to study and learn, there is plenty to do. continually remind myself of harmlessness and compassion and release silly impulses to confront.
every spiritual path has it's own culture and i'm still learning the culture of this path that still feels new to me, that i just stepped onto about this time last year, the last saturday in april. the first several months were amazing--like a long awaited homecoming that i didn't know i was looking for! my internal experiences were so "loud," i felt so much pressure to learn-learn-learn-learn-learn, that it was challenging to just breathe and be.
then in november, when taking my son to halfprice books and *accidentally* forgetting to grab a book to read while i waited on him, i went to scan the books in the gnostic section. the way of a pilgrim practically jumped off the shelf at me. a wonderful found story of a eastern orthodox russian pilgrim who was taken with the idea of praying without ceasing. that prayer, which i use often as an internal mantra, has relieved a lot of the pressure i had been feeling and has been a great comfort.
and so as time passes, other events also indirectly effect my expectations. an ecstatic dance group, body choir, that'd been my main spiritual path for over 12 years, declined and is now on hiatus. so i miss my urban dance tribe and its culture.
so i think part of my culture shock with the local gnostic group is colored by missing the urban dance tribe culture. clearly all my spiritual needs weren't being met or i wouldn't have looked for a way to dive deeper. so there are gifts to each group that i wish (speaking to the expectation) could be combined. important that i Make Peace with What Is again. (Making Peace with What Is is something i did a lot of in my 30s.)
one way to describe the groups different strengths would be to describe them as horizontal or vertical. while body choir presented the opportunity for vertically tuning in during the dance, what i'm missing most is the horizontal aspect of the culture. folks walking their talk, living their lives centered in compassion, harmlessness (ahimsa) and empowerment/justice. not that there weren't flaws in those areas, but that most everyone carried the consciousness of doing that through, for example, nonviolent communication, which was taught by a member. lots o'conscious languaging that i didn't realize i was taking for granted.
but i wanted to dive deeper into meaning, into the structures that our reality is based on, into kabbalah and other ancient wisdom systems (vertical). so much of the ecstatic dance path seemed to be about doing what feels right--compassion, harmlessness and empowerment have sensations that are excellent guides--but going only by feeling isn't enough, i don't think. it's too easy to be distracted by other things that also feel good.
for me, i also want to explore beyond sensation, to safely stretch my consciousness on a path i can trust. so this gnostic path serves that purpose by being grounded in christianity. this is truly what i was looking for. and i have so, so much to learn. it's truly nourishing my soul (vertically).
unfortunately the social, horizontal aspect is awkward for me. honestly, social interactions have never been my strong suit, so clearly, i have tons to learn in this arena as well. so i need to release expectations of how social interactions "should" be, of how communication "should" flow between people and again, Make Peace with What Is. i don't like how i am when i experience this culture shock; feels like righteous indignation, but that's absurd. there's no ground to stand on for that; it's not productive in any way.
better to move deeper into silent witness. so much to study and learn, there is plenty to do. continually remind myself of harmlessness and compassion and release silly impulses to confront.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
who knew The Who were/are gnostic?!
i was listening to an oldies station, 92.5fm, which is good for work and singing along with clients. i was struck at how great a gnostic song this is. very expansive and applicable, when imagining singing to archonic/klippotic forces, if you consider a pistis sophia point of view. meditation can take me to such an expansive place where, by the grace of God, seems like i can see/feel/breathe/be for miles and miles. similarly, via God's grace, we are shown how to see through/past archonic/klippotic ploys to manipulate us.
sing it!
The Who - I Can See For Miles
I know you've deceived me, now here's a surprise
I know that you have 'cause there's magic in my eyes
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Oh yeah
If you think that I don't know about the little tricks you've played
And never see you when deliberately you put things in my way
Well, here's a poke at you
You're gonna choke on it too
You're gonna lose that smile
Beacuse all the while
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Oh yeah
You took advantage of my trust in you when I was so far away
I saw you holding lots of other guys and now you've got the nerve to say
That you still want me
Well, that's as may be
But you gotta stand trial
Because all the while
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Oh yeah
I know you've deceived me, now here's a surprise
I know that you have 'cause there's magic in my eyes
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Oh yeah
The Eiffel Tower and the Taj Mahal are mine to see on clear days
You thought that I would need a crystal ball to see right through the haze
Well, here's a poke at you
You're gonna choke on it too
You're gonna lose that smile
Beacuse all the while
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
And miles and miles and miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
sing it!
The Who - I Can See For Miles
I know you've deceived me, now here's a surprise
I know that you have 'cause there's magic in my eyes
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Oh yeah
If you think that I don't know about the little tricks you've played
And never see you when deliberately you put things in my way
Well, here's a poke at you
You're gonna choke on it too
You're gonna lose that smile
Beacuse all the while
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Oh yeah
You took advantage of my trust in you when I was so far away
I saw you holding lots of other guys and now you've got the nerve to say
That you still want me
Well, that's as may be
But you gotta stand trial
Because all the while
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Oh yeah
I know you've deceived me, now here's a surprise
I know that you have 'cause there's magic in my eyes
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Oh yeah
The Eiffel Tower and the Taj Mahal are mine to see on clear days
You thought that I would need a crystal ball to see right through the haze
Well, here's a poke at you
You're gonna choke on it too
You're gonna lose that smile
Beacuse all the while
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
And miles and miles and miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
Saturday, February 27, 2010
developing lucidity
so we're on the same page when it comes to dreams--that it's good to develop lucidity and Life is just a dream, so there's implications--to get those foundational assumptions clear. ok.
this morning, from this morning's dream, seems like i'm developing lucidity from a subconscious place. that might be obvious to everyone else but me, but i just realized that this morning. when i try to become lucid with my conscious mind, i wake up, lol. :P dur.
so the point is to develop conscious connections with subconscious awareness. the subconscious is driving in dream time, so best make friends with it ;)
which i've been working on for, literally, decades, so yeah, the groundwork is there. still much more to do, but this "ah ha!" moment this morning was too sweet to not blog.
this morning, from this morning's dream, seems like i'm developing lucidity from a subconscious place. that might be obvious to everyone else but me, but i just realized that this morning. when i try to become lucid with my conscious mind, i wake up, lol. :P dur.
so the point is to develop conscious connections with subconscious awareness. the subconscious is driving in dream time, so best make friends with it ;)
which i've been working on for, literally, decades, so yeah, the groundwork is there. still much more to do, but this "ah ha!" moment this morning was too sweet to not blog.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Attachment, Development and Experiencing God
I'm loving graduate school and one of my classes is Loss and Grief. Recently we reviewed styles of attachment which can influence how a person handles loss. But before going into that, we learned about how early experiences, especially those before the acquisition of language at around 2 years, become "implicit memories" stored deep within the psyche in the amygdala of the hippocampus, part of the limbic system and located in the midbrain. These deep, pre-verbal memories, consisting mostly of sensations, have profound effects on our experience in the world, including influencing our perceptions and what we believe to be possible.
Developmentally, during these first few years, there is no differentiation (sound familiar?). Children's experience of reality is non-dual and completely contiguous. There is no separate "me" yet. Some consider when children first refer to themselves as "I" as the birth of the ego and dualism, at about 3 years. If parents are able to meet most of the infant's needs most of the time (perfection isn't necessary), then this creates positive implicit memories which serve as an excellent resource the child can later draw on the rest of their life.
Attachment styles are also established early, about this same time. There are four attachment styles, according to Wallin, including secure, insecure/avoidant, insecure/ambivalent and disorganized. As is typical when learning new psychological theories, I found aspects of myself that fit into each category (which is a common way to integrate new information).
These four types were defined through objectifiable behavior, by having the mother and toddler enter a room with a stranger (the tester/observer) and some toys. The observer would record how the mother interacted with them, with the child, how the child responded to the toys and the stranger as well as their overall behavior throughout. At some point the mother would leave, stay gone for a short while and then return.
For the purpose of this article, let's focus on the behaviors of a secure attachment. The child would explore freely, taking note of how the mother responded to the stranger. In the secure attachment style, the mother was usually appropriately friendly with the observer so the toddler was also free from concern. While the child might express the whole range of emotions, including crying when the mother left, the loss was not overwhelming and they would be able to calm themselves and play. When the mother returned, the child would express happiness at seeing her, they would embrace and then the child would return to playing with the toys.
Basically the theory is that people with a secure attachment style experience the full range of emotions and they are able to cope with loss, hardship, or even death, without being overwhelmed. They are able to find the resources and support they need to move through whatever challenges they are presented with.
Here's something that surprised most of us in class: 45% of the general public have secure attachment styles! We thought that was high, perhaps because, as social workers, we focus on solving problems and so get too "problem" focused. After thinking about it for a while, I really liked the implications of 45% having secure attachments in their lives.
This means that almost half of us have implicit memories of God as Ain Sof, of Adam Kadmon and of Keter. Which makes sense of how these experiences are difficult to put language to, being based in experiences we had before we were verbal. I believe this could also have positive implications for ours, and other Kabbalistic, path(s) attracting more followers. There are a lot of folks out with the potential for--or who have already experienced--gnosis!
Developmentally, during these first few years, there is no differentiation (sound familiar?). Children's experience of reality is non-dual and completely contiguous. There is no separate "me" yet. Some consider when children first refer to themselves as "I" as the birth of the ego and dualism, at about 3 years. If parents are able to meet most of the infant's needs most of the time (perfection isn't necessary), then this creates positive implicit memories which serve as an excellent resource the child can later draw on the rest of their life.
Attachment styles are also established early, about this same time. There are four attachment styles, according to Wallin, including secure, insecure/avoidant, insecure/ambivalent and disorganized. As is typical when learning new psychological theories, I found aspects of myself that fit into each category (which is a common way to integrate new information).
These four types were defined through objectifiable behavior, by having the mother and toddler enter a room with a stranger (the tester/observer) and some toys. The observer would record how the mother interacted with them, with the child, how the child responded to the toys and the stranger as well as their overall behavior throughout. At some point the mother would leave, stay gone for a short while and then return.
For the purpose of this article, let's focus on the behaviors of a secure attachment. The child would explore freely, taking note of how the mother responded to the stranger. In the secure attachment style, the mother was usually appropriately friendly with the observer so the toddler was also free from concern. While the child might express the whole range of emotions, including crying when the mother left, the loss was not overwhelming and they would be able to calm themselves and play. When the mother returned, the child would express happiness at seeing her, they would embrace and then the child would return to playing with the toys.
Basically the theory is that people with a secure attachment style experience the full range of emotions and they are able to cope with loss, hardship, or even death, without being overwhelmed. They are able to find the resources and support they need to move through whatever challenges they are presented with.
Here's something that surprised most of us in class: 45% of the general public have secure attachment styles! We thought that was high, perhaps because, as social workers, we focus on solving problems and so get too "problem" focused. After thinking about it for a while, I really liked the implications of 45% having secure attachments in their lives.
This means that almost half of us have implicit memories of God as Ain Sof, of Adam Kadmon and of Keter. Which makes sense of how these experiences are difficult to put language to, being based in experiences we had before we were verbal. I believe this could also have positive implications for ours, and other Kabbalistic, path(s) attracting more followers. There are a lot of folks out with the potential for--or who have already experienced--gnosis!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
in the darkness
ya gotta admit, february is a great month for this, dontcha think?! ;)
occasionally i find myself, plunged deep into my shadow, usually not sure how i wound up there and often wondering what to do next.
last night at circle, i found myself near tears--in the middle of netivah studies! seemingly totally unrelated. my usual tack is to search my feelings to see what's up. last night this took me into turmoil where i ended up feeling very frustrated. but again, i dove deep into it, for better or worse. i figure if a feeling shows up, it usually wants to be expressed somehow. and now, after i've been feeling better, i can see again, although i'm never sure in the moment; that feeling it, praying for guidance and letting it all go, appears to have been the right thing to do.
got a crazy schedule these days with working full-time (4 10-hr overnight shifts) and returning to grad school, still spending time with my son and supporting his life (he's 18, so he won't need me much longer!). work is sun-wed, getting off thursday morning and classes are mon-tues-wed. by tuesday afternoon's class, Life is feeling pretty surreal due to my strange sleep schedule (mostly naps from sunday till thurs). i usually don't feel like myself again until friday morning, after sleeping thursday night and turning my days/nights back around to normal. i think this is the main stressor that threw me off last night.
but there are also aspects to this path that i'm not practised or good at dealing with, like that gnosis is between knowing and not knowing. how does this work for someone who spent most of her childhood not feeling real? not very well. i've worked hard to learn how to validate my own reality, but now, with these new experiences happening and there really doesn't seem to be a way to validate, no source of context, what i'm experiencing. appears that i need to get comfortable with not knowing, but there seem to be infinite layers, for me, around that issue.
faith and doubt take on whole new meanings, for me, with gnosis.
clearly much more to contemplate.
meanwhile, like i said, i got to a place where i felt better. and believe it or not, i'm still in touch with that. at some point, after entertaining doubt, i just have to move forward in faith, trusting that Holy Mother will lead me in a way that i'm able to follow. trusting that She wants me to follow and that She'll have patience with my issues because Her Love is so beyond my comprehension, that She doesn't mind. it's not possible for me to be too much trouble for Her. somehow i know this. that as long as i, literally (lol), long and desire and put forth effort, with Her help and guidance it will be enough.
Faith can be enough.
so these times of diving deep into shadow seem to be good as inventories of issues, a sort of cleaning house, even if nothing seems to change. a good time to ask for and receive Divine help. and a good time to express gratitude when supported and lead out of the darkness, back into the light.
occasionally i find myself, plunged deep into my shadow, usually not sure how i wound up there and often wondering what to do next.
last night at circle, i found myself near tears--in the middle of netivah studies! seemingly totally unrelated. my usual tack is to search my feelings to see what's up. last night this took me into turmoil where i ended up feeling very frustrated. but again, i dove deep into it, for better or worse. i figure if a feeling shows up, it usually wants to be expressed somehow. and now, after i've been feeling better, i can see again, although i'm never sure in the moment; that feeling it, praying for guidance and letting it all go, appears to have been the right thing to do.
got a crazy schedule these days with working full-time (4 10-hr overnight shifts) and returning to grad school, still spending time with my son and supporting his life (he's 18, so he won't need me much longer!). work is sun-wed, getting off thursday morning and classes are mon-tues-wed. by tuesday afternoon's class, Life is feeling pretty surreal due to my strange sleep schedule (mostly naps from sunday till thurs). i usually don't feel like myself again until friday morning, after sleeping thursday night and turning my days/nights back around to normal. i think this is the main stressor that threw me off last night.
but there are also aspects to this path that i'm not practised or good at dealing with, like that gnosis is between knowing and not knowing. how does this work for someone who spent most of her childhood not feeling real? not very well. i've worked hard to learn how to validate my own reality, but now, with these new experiences happening and there really doesn't seem to be a way to validate, no source of context, what i'm experiencing. appears that i need to get comfortable with not knowing, but there seem to be infinite layers, for me, around that issue.
faith and doubt take on whole new meanings, for me, with gnosis.
clearly much more to contemplate.
meanwhile, like i said, i got to a place where i felt better. and believe it or not, i'm still in touch with that. at some point, after entertaining doubt, i just have to move forward in faith, trusting that Holy Mother will lead me in a way that i'm able to follow. trusting that She wants me to follow and that She'll have patience with my issues because Her Love is so beyond my comprehension, that She doesn't mind. it's not possible for me to be too much trouble for Her. somehow i know this. that as long as i, literally (lol), long and desire and put forth effort, with Her help and guidance it will be enough.
Faith can be enough.
so these times of diving deep into shadow seem to be good as inventories of issues, a sort of cleaning house, even if nothing seems to change. a good time to ask for and receive Divine help. and a good time to express gratitude when supported and lead out of the darkness, back into the light.
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