short glimpse

morning
new day
emptiness of non-event
potential of no plans

beautiful void

wishing. hoping
to extend it
to walk in it
always.

resistance sensation

sometimes i wonder at my resistance. i don't get it, why/when/how it shows up, slowing me down. occasionally it feels right, like making space for deep integration. but other times, feels more like a limitation or some foreign influence holding me back. not that it is foreign. . .but it doesn't seem consistent with what i'm thinking/feeling i want.

today, exploring memories/sensations, that resistance feels like a heavy blanket on my mind, not unlike extreme fatigue from sleep deprivation. contemplating the metaphor, how it impacts my life, like how survival issues have been such a struggle for so long and seem to get in the way of the spiritual growth i long for. also possibly similar to this extra weight and the effort it will take to get to a healthier weight.

all seems like the same thing. praying for Abba-Imma's will to be done.

compost insight

i always put off taking care of the compost 'cause, as you can imagine, it's gross. smelly n gooey in a not-good kinda way. we keep a bucket in the garage n then transfer it to the pile in the backyard when it's full.

usually layer it with shredded paper first. composting all one's shredded documents is the ultimate security! just turns to dirt! :)

so today, raked back the grass clippings, put down the shredding, then poured out the compost bucket. then raked the grass clippings back on top, which covers ;) the odor.

today i was thinking about raw emotions. back in the 70s, it was the *thing,* to be honest and raw with those important to you. in the 80s, that was re-interpreted as "dumping" on people. there's a time and place for everything. the 90s and 00s seem to be moving ever more conservative again, as if the repressed 50s (and earlier) never happened.

recently got feedback to "live within." at first it seemed like more conservative repression, but i think it's something different. it's not that feelings are never expressed. still contemplating it and what that means in my day-to-day life. today with the composting, i got that the raw gooey foods were like raw emotions, sorta stinky, lol, and best left covered up a bit until they can break down into dirt. it's not that they're "bad" or that expressing them is a mistake, not exactly. but given time, their expression can be much more valuable, more useful, like dirt in a garden.

yeah :)

then later trimmed the rosemary in the front. aaahh! love the scent--what heaven! as dumped it onto the compost, i was struck by how things just keep growing, no matter what. a large sunflower had grown up from the side of the compost, but then was practically completely devoured by bugs. they've been bad this year with all the rain. but this afternoon i noticed a new bloom with a few tiny leaves (the original leaves were a good 8" across!). that's Nature/Holy Mother-Bride--an amazing, unlimited source for growth--relentlessly available! wahe guru!

social justice and releasing aversions

i believe Christians are called, in part, to serve the oppressed and support socially just solutions to suffering. really appreciate walter wink's, the powers that be, and his political insights into Jesus' teachings, clearing up the misconceptions of his nonviolent resistant actions of how to shock or inspire the oppressor into perceiving/treating the oppressed as equals. clare boothe luce also described eleanor roosevelt as *getting* it, "No woman has ever so comforted the distressed or distressed the comfortable." this call has lead me to pursue social work as a profession with the idea of doing counseling, supporting social justice on the individual level, through body-centered psychotherapies like Hakomi and Family Constellation Workshops.

contemplating this and releasing aversions. much good comes from releasing aversions, especially when this enables us to release judgment or open our hearts wider, to be more available for connecting with others. releasing aversions informs releasing conflict, really where i'm at these days.

yes, so i'm still in the middle of it. how to know when to release an aversion and when to speak to injustice? recently i spoke when it may've been more productive to at least be silent and wait. still considering it all.

and what of social justice? or on a personal level, what of wrongful accusation(s)?

today a beautiful soul, Yakov-Leib HaKohain, gifted me with, in our discussion, this great metaphor from Sri Ramakrishna: "I don't have to see you eating radishes to to know you've eaten them. I know you've eaten radishes by the smell of radishes on your breath."

that is such a great metaphor because it so excellently illustrates the subtlety of interactions, sometimes accusations and the Divine Mirror. we're talkin bout elements as subtle as breath and scent. how can i trust your accusation that i've been eating radishes, when i haven't, but you claim you can smell radishes on my breath--especially since i've been watching you eat radishes?!

seems important to practice serving social justice by seeking just (fair) personal relationships/interactions. especially when diving deep into personal exploration/discovery. it's ok to be careful with me as i want everyone to be careful with themselves. and yet to explore the accusation, to consider it is harmless. accusations about thoughts, so subtle, so difficult to discern what's what, to navigate one's way. when nothing's at risk, no biggee. but when it's about someone's power over another, then it's worth the extra time/energy/exploration to get clear.

i will be learning more about projections, transference, counter-transference, etc, soon with my first internship coming up this fall. really looking forward to it! and have been reviewing all this with my therapist, a trusted expert who i know will confront me as necessary and support my best. so grateful for her! she's told me awesome stories that affirm trusting Unconditional Love. aaahh, yes.

so this blog doesn't really answer any questions, so much as ask more. exploring how to know while continuing to contemplate being empty, living within, releasing aversions while also seeking to serve social justice.