left work at 11p last night and on the drive home, felt subtly bombarded by the vast array of internal feelings. too many to get, to understand. breathed and cried and let the emotional cacophony be, focusing on the ground of being (we share) of Love. this feels, however challenging, also like good practice. eventually i arrived home and my mind was distracted by other things like fresh cool wet air and the peace of home.
this morning i had a dream full of alien content: the environment, the beings in it, my way of being were all foreign to me. and yet i was able to be loving, to wakefully care, throughout the dream, without feeling dominated by alarm. after waking, i felt a curious new harmony.
both zen and sophian gnosticism inform this perspective, this practice. it's part of what i mean when i say, "Everyone loves what does. She whispers, 'Love what doesn't.'" what does or doesn't what?! it's easy to love what makes sense, what cooperates, what agrees with our sensibilities, our preferences. the challenge is always that which opposes our preferences, our senses, our perspective on Life. this is what calls for acceptance.
and it's not like i've 'arrived,' but more like my first taste of what i will be continuing to practice. i'm sure there may be times when i fall back into alarm and rejection, but maybe even then, i can remember curiosity and compassion.
hopefully.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
it was about The Code!
i will always remember how it felt, the first time i saw that scene in 'the matrix' when neo jumped into smith, broke him (everything false/oppressive) away and then, COULD SEE THE CODE! that was what i wanted so badly: TO KNOW THE CODE!!! i went home and danced for an hour. yeah.
at the time, knowing the code would mean understanding the structures that support reality, how everyone's choices intersect in ways that shape what happens in our lives--as well as understanding the other events that manifest, that appear outside of individual or group choice, like disease and natural disasters.
also at that time my son was attending a waldorf school and anthroposophy appeared to provide some of this code. it was deep and complex and i looked forward to the day when i would have the free time to immerse myself in it. i absorbed as much as i could with the time i had. unfortunately we didn't stay with the school much longer. (it's a long story.)
then i ran into some folks online, a discussion group on myspace called M.A.Y.H.E.M. some of us are still connected on facebook; awesome folk. we discussed everything there, science, faith, the meaning of life, politics, everything inside and out. the group leader had a great theory for, literally, explaining everything. various people espoused to various schools of thought as their code, but nothing was a good fit for me. and i still wanted more.
then i ran into a sophian gnostic group and studied kabbalah and suddenly Hebrew seemed like The Code! every letter representing a whole world--surely i could dive deep into this! feeling overwhelmed was ok and expected. again, i studied as much as i could and looked forward to when i would have more free time.
then i saw flint sparks speak at a workshop and started attending appamada. at an inquiry, he shared an article, 'the real path,' by norman fisher from the fall issue of 'buddhadharma.' the explanation of dukkha (often translated as 'suffering' or 'thirst') there touches this: "the profound fact that everything is not really knowable."
No! [laughs at self]
Yes. [sigh] there is a gap between What Is and what we are able to perceive. this gap, this liminal space, is beyond our reach and yet, it IS what we must explore.
so there is no code that is known, not absolutely (and anyone who claims it doesn't get it, imo). it is our life's mission to explore it and share what we find there. not to define it, to put it in a box and kill it, but to forever explore, leaving it alive and changing, this mystery forever beyond our reach.
somehow, knowing this much is satisfying. (for now.)
(and this sense, that there are events outside us that we have little to no effect on, this is an illusion. there is no me/you/in/out/us/them. there is only Life flowing and we are an expression of it; our limited awareness a part of the beauty, however bittersweet.)
at the time, knowing the code would mean understanding the structures that support reality, how everyone's choices intersect in ways that shape what happens in our lives--as well as understanding the other events that manifest, that appear outside of individual or group choice, like disease and natural disasters.
also at that time my son was attending a waldorf school and anthroposophy appeared to provide some of this code. it was deep and complex and i looked forward to the day when i would have the free time to immerse myself in it. i absorbed as much as i could with the time i had. unfortunately we didn't stay with the school much longer. (it's a long story.)
then i ran into some folks online, a discussion group on myspace called M.A.Y.H.E.M. some of us are still connected on facebook; awesome folk. we discussed everything there, science, faith, the meaning of life, politics, everything inside and out. the group leader had a great theory for, literally, explaining everything. various people espoused to various schools of thought as their code, but nothing was a good fit for me. and i still wanted more.
then i ran into a sophian gnostic group and studied kabbalah and suddenly Hebrew seemed like The Code! every letter representing a whole world--surely i could dive deep into this! feeling overwhelmed was ok and expected. again, i studied as much as i could and looked forward to when i would have more free time.
then i saw flint sparks speak at a workshop and started attending appamada. at an inquiry, he shared an article, 'the real path,' by norman fisher from the fall issue of 'buddhadharma.' the explanation of dukkha (often translated as 'suffering' or 'thirst') there touches this: "the profound fact that everything is not really knowable."
No! [laughs at self]
Yes. [sigh] there is a gap between What Is and what we are able to perceive. this gap, this liminal space, is beyond our reach and yet, it IS what we must explore.
so there is no code that is known, not absolutely (and anyone who claims it doesn't get it, imo). it is our life's mission to explore it and share what we find there. not to define it, to put it in a box and kill it, but to forever explore, leaving it alive and changing, this mystery forever beyond our reach.
somehow, knowing this much is satisfying. (for now.)
(and this sense, that there are events outside us that we have little to no effect on, this is an illusion. there is no me/you/in/out/us/them. there is only Life flowing and we are an expression of it; our limited awareness a part of the beauty, however bittersweet.)
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