k, i can go to that paradoxical place, that perhaps gnosis is gained when experience is surrendered. i can go there. i jes sincerely never thought it would be through being blamed for things i haven't thought or said and being asked to change attitudes i don't have while joining in my teacher's reality that he doesn't make mistakes.
right.
then where's humility? i mean, the situation begins to look more like bullying. . .or even brain washing. ain't playin that game.
it's all so strange. . .starting off as someone else's lack of communication, which i initially found upsetting, but had decided not to say anything about it. but a friend felt compelled to, even though i asked her not to, which is her choice. i wish she hadn't, but she's a free agent. so the drama gets high and things get way twisted. i get misrepresented multiple times and there are layers upon layers of inaccuracy, but no dialog allowed. somehow i'm being disrespectful, which i totally don't get. meanwhile i'm watching those accusing me of being disrespectful, lacking in respect of themselves and others. maybe they think disagreement=disrespect, which aren't the same thing.
oh, and the friend who told my story without my permission? she's asked to stay in the group.
whole thang ain't fair, but Life often isn't.
gratefully, i've felt Holy Mother-Bride's presence through this whole mess. i'm sure she'll explain it all to me with time.
so i was once too radical for a group called 'mayhem,' n they banned me. now looks like i'm too heretical for gnostics n gettin banned again! i'm really not that outrageous--Really!!! lol! i'm actually pretty mousey, by some folks standards. [sigh] ah well, Life goes on.
and on and on and on. . . .
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
when the internet was new: a story of Elfin
this morning i was reminded of a series of stories from way back in the early 90s, when i was new to the internet. i had been a stay-at-home mom but then my first job after putting my son in daycare at almost 3--he was SO ready! :D--this first job was in 93. i was working at UT and signed up for my first, several email listservs, one of which was for those interested in findhorn (findhorn.org). one member wrote all her posts metaphorically--which i loved! i found it to be an amazing way to communicate, through story, especially in the often misunderstood medium of plain type on screen. many on the list didn't appreciate her indirect means of communication, criticizing and attacking her for it which i found very unfortunate. eventually she was dropped/blocked from the list.
before her exit, she had woven an amazing world that we were all apart of that also included fictional characters. one story happened on the African plains. it was marvelous but i don't remember the characters' names. . .unfortunately. they were unusual. . .one had a "q" without a "u" with some "a"s. . .but yeah, i'm not remembering them. there was also a euro-centric storyline that included the Fairy Queen and a character named, Elfin. yes, she was an elf. one of the sayings repeated throughout the stories was having faith in Faith and trust in Trust.
while participating on the findhorn listserv, i was inspired by this storyline and got a vision which has been informative for me in this life. thought i'd post it here to share and for later reference.
-.-
elfin sat at the foot of the fairy queen, waiting for her next lesson. the fairy queen pointed at something behind elfin. as she turned to look, she saw a wall of fire, very tall and reaching from one horizon to the other, the burning, popping, cracking sounds deafening.
elfin quickly turned back and with a slight shiver, said, "surely you don't mean for me to walk through that?!" the fairy queen smiled at her with deep, timeless compassion and a slight weariness, or knowing, as if she had done it before herself and said, "yes, little one. remember your faith in Faith and your trust in Trust."
and so, reluctantly, elfin stood and walked toward the wall of fire. she couldn't believe she was doing it! she felt the heat while still many yards away, but continued on. was she voluntarily walking toward her own annihilation?! she began breath of fire, the quick in-out-in-out, to give her courage.
eventually she was there and still the fire raged, extending beyond each horizon. she extended the first toe into the fire--
but what was this sensation? was it heat or was it coolness?! then she found herself walking through a waterfall, equally thunderous and purifying. she dove into the pool and emerged, not recognizing herself.
only her faith in Faith and trust in Trust.
before her exit, she had woven an amazing world that we were all apart of that also included fictional characters. one story happened on the African plains. it was marvelous but i don't remember the characters' names. . .unfortunately. they were unusual. . .one had a "q" without a "u" with some "a"s. . .but yeah, i'm not remembering them. there was also a euro-centric storyline that included the Fairy Queen and a character named, Elfin. yes, she was an elf. one of the sayings repeated throughout the stories was having faith in Faith and trust in Trust.
while participating on the findhorn listserv, i was inspired by this storyline and got a vision which has been informative for me in this life. thought i'd post it here to share and for later reference.
-.-
elfin sat at the foot of the fairy queen, waiting for her next lesson. the fairy queen pointed at something behind elfin. as she turned to look, she saw a wall of fire, very tall and reaching from one horizon to the other, the burning, popping, cracking sounds deafening.
elfin quickly turned back and with a slight shiver, said, "surely you don't mean for me to walk through that?!" the fairy queen smiled at her with deep, timeless compassion and a slight weariness, or knowing, as if she had done it before herself and said, "yes, little one. remember your faith in Faith and your trust in Trust."
and so, reluctantly, elfin stood and walked toward the wall of fire. she couldn't believe she was doing it! she felt the heat while still many yards away, but continued on. was she voluntarily walking toward her own annihilation?! she began breath of fire, the quick in-out-in-out, to give her courage.
eventually she was there and still the fire raged, extending beyond each horizon. she extended the first toe into the fire--
but what was this sensation? was it heat or was it coolness?! then she found herself walking through a waterfall, equally thunderous and purifying. she dove into the pool and emerged, not recognizing herself.
only her faith in Faith and trust in Trust.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
possibly maybe perhaps: new way of being, new humanity
i so love watching M. E. tv at work. drifting through time measured in music videos, such visual sweetness, for the most part, lol.
while watching coldplay's speed o'sound; such indirectness and i wonder at this. this allowing art to move through without identification with the channel. i mean, i don't know coldplay's music/art that well nor do i know anything of their fascade or persona(s). i'm getting this intuitive hit based on that they don't look directly at the camera and the camera doesn't seek out an identification with the performer(s), not until the very end, using it as an exit.
i remember when, seemed that celebrities were new to their role, inventing it as they went, what with drugs to cope and still losing the game to ODing or suicide. still happens. then there was robert redford and his rejection of the media hype. then there was princess di, who was unable to escape. in between, sting's wisdom, claiming that to believe in the person sold as the celebrity was to invite madness. seems new balances are developing, long after warhol predicted everyone's 15 minutes. now we have reality tv (no, i'm not a fan) and celebrities living among us, interacting with us and we're not flippin out bout it. realness, back n forth.
there's constant flux of course, change bein one o'the few constants of the universe.
but what i may've gotten a glimpse of, from the coldplay video, might be a new way o'being. perhaps. possibly. as we learn to release identity and allow art/spirit to flow through unhindered. new ways to allow flow, a new constant. maybe new breathing and being.
maybe.
what would interacting and connecting look like from that place? perhaps something like ecstatic dance. i look forward to exploring it further. this ties in with living within. . .to be with others from an empty internal place, yeah.
while watching coldplay's speed o'sound; such indirectness and i wonder at this. this allowing art to move through without identification with the channel. i mean, i don't know coldplay's music/art that well nor do i know anything of their fascade or persona(s). i'm getting this intuitive hit based on that they don't look directly at the camera and the camera doesn't seek out an identification with the performer(s), not until the very end, using it as an exit.
i remember when, seemed that celebrities were new to their role, inventing it as they went, what with drugs to cope and still losing the game to ODing or suicide. still happens. then there was robert redford and his rejection of the media hype. then there was princess di, who was unable to escape. in between, sting's wisdom, claiming that to believe in the person sold as the celebrity was to invite madness. seems new balances are developing, long after warhol predicted everyone's 15 minutes. now we have reality tv (no, i'm not a fan) and celebrities living among us, interacting with us and we're not flippin out bout it. realness, back n forth.
there's constant flux of course, change bein one o'the few constants of the universe.
but what i may've gotten a glimpse of, from the coldplay video, might be a new way o'being. perhaps. possibly. as we learn to release identity and allow art/spirit to flow through unhindered. new ways to allow flow, a new constant. maybe new breathing and being.
maybe.
what would interacting and connecting look like from that place? perhaps something like ecstatic dance. i look forward to exploring it further. this ties in with living within. . .to be with others from an empty internal place, yeah.
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