dreamin o'whales n livin within

i used to dream of whales a lot. at least i interpreted the images as whales. i would find myself swimming in a deep body of water, not an ocean, more like a lake, and there would be very large beings, shadows, swimming beneath me. felt sorta scary.

at the time, in my 20s, i interpreted those dreams as a deeper part of myself communicating with me and took it to a very literal place, thinking i needed to deep sea dive with whales. i've always felt a connection with whales, studying them in my free time in grade school. once i saw an imax film on whales and cried through the whole thing. tears of longing. strange, but real. i would still like to deep sea dive with whales, but i think there was more to the dream.

thought bout studying marine biology but that didn't happen. too easily discouraged by a stranger with initials behind his name. these things happen and then we learn. in recent months i painted my room colors i find soothing, that turned out very watery. the wall with a window, opposite the door/entrance, is a deep blue and the other three walls are a pale green, only slightly darker than light through coke bottle glass or probably, similar to light in shallow ocean water. then aqua curtains fit really well and now my room has a ocean quality. good for day sleeping too (since i work nights).

since those times (20s) i've been diving deeper, exploring internal realities, curious bout the structures that our external, shared reality is based on. learning. . .how is it that i can work on my internal issues and my external reality shifts so drastically? how is it that, sometimes, there are no external changes and yet, everything seems so very different?

i've been grateful to live with this "magic" for well over a decade. something i learned before my son was born: there's nothing in the universe you can love or hate that isn't reflecting back to you something you love/hate about yourself. work that mirror! the results are amazing, nothing short of miraculous! sometimes it's about clearing, sometimes healing and somethings accepting or making peace with What Is. in each case, something that troubled me, i became free of. cleared out pet peeves to start. so nice to be rid of those nuisances.

it's a nice tool.

so recently, when some spiritual friends online suggested i "live within," my response was, "what?! i already live within!" i was caught off guard. i meditate, i pray throughout the day, i contemplate. what are they talking about?!

but i had been posting on some social struggles, in this case gender-based, and even though i was owning my issues, i was getting the 'living within' feedback. ok, clearly time to dive deeper.

that's the thing--there's no limit. there's always more! so we're gifted with this amazing tool (mirror) and there's no end to how we can contemplate what we're being shown.

also a few years ago, while recovering from the WV experience (2001) and not knowing what i wanted, for anything, i wondered what my inner child would want. seemed at the time like she might have more of a clue than i could see. what i'm getting with this recent feedback is that--i used to live more within, like it was a natural state as a child, but when my reality was not only not affirmed but distorted by feedback from my caregivers, i was frightened and didn't know what was real, didn't feel real. over the years since, i've healed and learned good resources, if/when i need to check on What's Real, so i can release this fear. i think it was this old, no longer needed fear that prompted me to post recently about my social struggles.

now i'm free to return to a more natural state: living within. i can breathe much easier now. i feel renewed at a primal level. there's a deeper peace that i didn't even know. . .was possible or that was lacking. . .that has been calling me, but my consciousness wasn't understanding.

growing my ears, lol. my stepfather would now make a joke bout Lutherans and their big ears, lol!

sweet laughter on the path of learning. perhaps i may deep sea dive with whales one day, but if not, there is another experience that calls to me, more strongly.

culture shock & releasing expectations

back in the late 80s, early 90s, i attended several scott peck community building workshops based on his book, a different drum. really good experiences. about 40 people would gather, most all not knowing each other before the weekend, and we would somehow make our way to community where we would end up loving each other, like a close-knit family. truly wonderful! one part of the path between disconnected strangers to connected friends is releasing expectations. only by emptying ourselves of those, as well as the need to fix others and maybe a few other elements that aren't at the forefront of my mind at the moment, could we arrive at community. it was also interesting to me that some individuals arrived at community before others. the process was described as the whole group arriving together, but every group is composed of individuals with differing states of being, so it made sense to me that some might arrive at different times.

every spiritual path has it's own culture and i'm still learning the culture of this path that still feels new to me, that i just stepped onto about this time last year, the last saturday in april. the first several months were amazing--like a long awaited homecoming that i didn't know i was looking for! my internal experiences were so "loud," i felt so much pressure to learn-learn-learn-learn-learn, that it was challenging to just breathe and be.

then in november, when taking my son to halfprice books and *accidentally* forgetting to grab a book to read while i waited on him, i went to scan the books in the gnostic section. the way of a pilgrim practically jumped off the shelf at me. a wonderful found story of a eastern orthodox russian pilgrim who was taken with the idea of praying without ceasing. that prayer, which i use often as an internal mantra, has relieved a lot of the pressure i had been feeling and has been a great comfort.

and so as time passes, other events also indirectly effect my expectations. an ecstatic dance group, body choir, that'd been my main spiritual path for over 12 years, declined and is now on hiatus. so i miss my urban dance tribe and its culture.

so i think part of my culture shock with the local gnostic group is colored by missing the urban dance tribe culture. clearly all my spiritual needs weren't being met or i wouldn't have looked for a way to dive deeper. so there are gifts to each group that i wish (speaking to the expectation) could be combined. important that i Make Peace with What Is again. (Making Peace with What Is is something i did a lot of in my 30s.)

one way to describe the groups different strengths would be to describe them as horizontal or vertical. while body choir presented the opportunity for vertically tuning in during the dance, what i'm missing most is the horizontal aspect of the culture. folks walking their talk, living their lives centered in compassion, harmlessness (ahimsa) and empowerment/justice. not that there weren't flaws in those areas, but that most everyone carried the consciousness of doing that through, for example, nonviolent communication, which was taught by a member. lots o'conscious languaging that i didn't realize i was taking for granted.

but i wanted to dive deeper into meaning, into the structures that our reality is based on, into kabbalah and other ancient wisdom systems (vertical). so much of the ecstatic dance path seemed to be about doing what feels right--compassion, harmlessness and empowerment have sensations that are excellent guides--but going only by feeling isn't enough, i don't think. it's too easy to be distracted by other things that also feel good.

for me, i also want to explore beyond sensation, to safely stretch my consciousness on a path i can trust. so this gnostic path serves that purpose by being grounded in christianity. this is truly what i was looking for. and i have so, so much to learn. it's truly nourishing my soul (vertically).

unfortunately the social, horizontal aspect is awkward for me. honestly, social interactions have never been my strong suit, so clearly, i have tons to learn in this arena as well. so i need to release expectations of how social interactions "should" be, of how communication "should" flow between people and again, Make Peace with What Is. i don't like how i am when i experience this culture shock; feels like righteous indignation, but that's absurd. there's no ground to stand on for that; it's not productive in any way.

better to move deeper into silent witness. so much to study and learn, there is plenty to do. continually remind myself of harmlessness and compassion and release silly impulses to confront.