i was listening to an oldies station, 92.5fm, which is good for work and singing along with clients. i was struck at how great a gnostic song this is. very expansive and applicable, when imagining singing to archonic/klippotic forces, if you consider a pistis sophia point of view. meditation can take me to such an expansive place where, by the grace of God, seems like i can see/feel/breathe/be for miles and miles. similarly, via God's grace, we are shown how to see through/past archonic/klippotic ploys to manipulate us.
sing it!
The Who - I Can See For Miles
I know you've deceived me, now here's a surprise
I know that you have 'cause there's magic in my eyes
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Oh yeah
If you think that I don't know about the little tricks you've played
And never see you when deliberately you put things in my way
Well, here's a poke at you
You're gonna choke on it too
You're gonna lose that smile
Beacuse all the while
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Oh yeah
You took advantage of my trust in you when I was so far away
I saw you holding lots of other guys and now you've got the nerve to say
That you still want me
Well, that's as may be
But you gotta stand trial
Because all the while
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Oh yeah
I know you've deceived me, now here's a surprise
I know that you have 'cause there's magic in my eyes
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Oh yeah
The Eiffel Tower and the Taj Mahal are mine to see on clear days
You thought that I would need a crystal ball to see right through the haze
Well, here's a poke at you
You're gonna choke on it too
You're gonna lose that smile
Beacuse all the while
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
And miles and miles and miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
I can see for miles and miles
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
developing lucidity
so we're on the same page when it comes to dreams--that it's good to develop lucidity and Life is just a dream, so there's implications--to get those foundational assumptions clear. ok.
this morning, from this morning's dream, seems like i'm developing lucidity from a subconscious place. that might be obvious to everyone else but me, but i just realized that this morning. when i try to become lucid with my conscious mind, i wake up, lol. :P dur.
so the point is to develop conscious connections with subconscious awareness. the subconscious is driving in dream time, so best make friends with it ;)
which i've been working on for, literally, decades, so yeah, the groundwork is there. still much more to do, but this "ah ha!" moment this morning was too sweet to not blog.
this morning, from this morning's dream, seems like i'm developing lucidity from a subconscious place. that might be obvious to everyone else but me, but i just realized that this morning. when i try to become lucid with my conscious mind, i wake up, lol. :P dur.
so the point is to develop conscious connections with subconscious awareness. the subconscious is driving in dream time, so best make friends with it ;)
which i've been working on for, literally, decades, so yeah, the groundwork is there. still much more to do, but this "ah ha!" moment this morning was too sweet to not blog.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Attachment, Development and Experiencing God
I'm loving graduate school and one of my classes is Loss and Grief. Recently we reviewed styles of attachment which can influence how a person handles loss. But before going into that, we learned about how early experiences, especially those before the acquisition of language at around 2 years, become "implicit memories" stored deep within the psyche in the amygdala of the hippocampus, part of the limbic system and located in the midbrain. These deep, pre-verbal memories, consisting mostly of sensations, have profound effects on our experience in the world, including influencing our perceptions and what we believe to be possible.
Developmentally, during these first few years, there is no differentiation (sound familiar?). Children's experience of reality is non-dual and completely contiguous. There is no separate "me" yet. Some consider when children first refer to themselves as "I" as the birth of the ego and dualism, at about 3 years. If parents are able to meet most of the infant's needs most of the time (perfection isn't necessary), then this creates positive implicit memories which serve as an excellent resource the child can later draw on the rest of their life.
Attachment styles are also established early, about this same time. There are four attachment styles, according to Wallin, including secure, insecure/avoidant, insecure/ambivalent and disorganized. As is typical when learning new psychological theories, I found aspects of myself that fit into each category (which is a common way to integrate new information).
These four types were defined through objectifiable behavior, by having the mother and toddler enter a room with a stranger (the tester/observer) and some toys. The observer would record how the mother interacted with them, with the child, how the child responded to the toys and the stranger as well as their overall behavior throughout. At some point the mother would leave, stay gone for a short while and then return.
For the purpose of this article, let's focus on the behaviors of a secure attachment. The child would explore freely, taking note of how the mother responded to the stranger. In the secure attachment style, the mother was usually appropriately friendly with the observer so the toddler was also free from concern. While the child might express the whole range of emotions, including crying when the mother left, the loss was not overwhelming and they would be able to calm themselves and play. When the mother returned, the child would express happiness at seeing her, they would embrace and then the child would return to playing with the toys.
Basically the theory is that people with a secure attachment style experience the full range of emotions and they are able to cope with loss, hardship, or even death, without being overwhelmed. They are able to find the resources and support they need to move through whatever challenges they are presented with.
Here's something that surprised most of us in class: 45% of the general public have secure attachment styles! We thought that was high, perhaps because, as social workers, we focus on solving problems and so get too "problem" focused. After thinking about it for a while, I really liked the implications of 45% having secure attachments in their lives.
This means that almost half of us have implicit memories of God as Ain Sof, of Adam Kadmon and of Keter. Which makes sense of how these experiences are difficult to put language to, being based in experiences we had before we were verbal. I believe this could also have positive implications for ours, and other Kabbalistic, path(s) attracting more followers. There are a lot of folks out with the potential for--or who have already experienced--gnosis!
Developmentally, during these first few years, there is no differentiation (sound familiar?). Children's experience of reality is non-dual and completely contiguous. There is no separate "me" yet. Some consider when children first refer to themselves as "I" as the birth of the ego and dualism, at about 3 years. If parents are able to meet most of the infant's needs most of the time (perfection isn't necessary), then this creates positive implicit memories which serve as an excellent resource the child can later draw on the rest of their life.
Attachment styles are also established early, about this same time. There are four attachment styles, according to Wallin, including secure, insecure/avoidant, insecure/ambivalent and disorganized. As is typical when learning new psychological theories, I found aspects of myself that fit into each category (which is a common way to integrate new information).
These four types were defined through objectifiable behavior, by having the mother and toddler enter a room with a stranger (the tester/observer) and some toys. The observer would record how the mother interacted with them, with the child, how the child responded to the toys and the stranger as well as their overall behavior throughout. At some point the mother would leave, stay gone for a short while and then return.
For the purpose of this article, let's focus on the behaviors of a secure attachment. The child would explore freely, taking note of how the mother responded to the stranger. In the secure attachment style, the mother was usually appropriately friendly with the observer so the toddler was also free from concern. While the child might express the whole range of emotions, including crying when the mother left, the loss was not overwhelming and they would be able to calm themselves and play. When the mother returned, the child would express happiness at seeing her, they would embrace and then the child would return to playing with the toys.
Basically the theory is that people with a secure attachment style experience the full range of emotions and they are able to cope with loss, hardship, or even death, without being overwhelmed. They are able to find the resources and support they need to move through whatever challenges they are presented with.
Here's something that surprised most of us in class: 45% of the general public have secure attachment styles! We thought that was high, perhaps because, as social workers, we focus on solving problems and so get too "problem" focused. After thinking about it for a while, I really liked the implications of 45% having secure attachments in their lives.
This means that almost half of us have implicit memories of God as Ain Sof, of Adam Kadmon and of Keter. Which makes sense of how these experiences are difficult to put language to, being based in experiences we had before we were verbal. I believe this could also have positive implications for ours, and other Kabbalistic, path(s) attracting more followers. There are a lot of folks out with the potential for--or who have already experienced--gnosis!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
in the darkness
ya gotta admit, february is a great month for this, dontcha think?! ;)
occasionally i find myself, plunged deep into my shadow, usually not sure how i wound up there and often wondering what to do next.
last night at circle, i found myself near tears--in the middle of netivah studies! seemingly totally unrelated. my usual tack is to search my feelings to see what's up. last night this took me into turmoil where i ended up feeling very frustrated. but again, i dove deep into it, for better or worse. i figure if a feeling shows up, it usually wants to be expressed somehow. and now, after i've been feeling better, i can see again, although i'm never sure in the moment; that feeling it, praying for guidance and letting it all go, appears to have been the right thing to do.
got a crazy schedule these days with working full-time (4 10-hr overnight shifts) and returning to grad school, still spending time with my son and supporting his life (he's 18, so he won't need me much longer!). work is sun-wed, getting off thursday morning and classes are mon-tues-wed. by tuesday afternoon's class, Life is feeling pretty surreal due to my strange sleep schedule (mostly naps from sunday till thurs). i usually don't feel like myself again until friday morning, after sleeping thursday night and turning my days/nights back around to normal. i think this is the main stressor that threw me off last night.
but there are also aspects to this path that i'm not practised or good at dealing with, like that gnosis is between knowing and not knowing. how does this work for someone who spent most of her childhood not feeling real? not very well. i've worked hard to learn how to validate my own reality, but now, with these new experiences happening and there really doesn't seem to be a way to validate, no source of context, what i'm experiencing. appears that i need to get comfortable with not knowing, but there seem to be infinite layers, for me, around that issue.
faith and doubt take on whole new meanings, for me, with gnosis.
clearly much more to contemplate.
meanwhile, like i said, i got to a place where i felt better. and believe it or not, i'm still in touch with that. at some point, after entertaining doubt, i just have to move forward in faith, trusting that Holy Mother will lead me in a way that i'm able to follow. trusting that She wants me to follow and that She'll have patience with my issues because Her Love is so beyond my comprehension, that She doesn't mind. it's not possible for me to be too much trouble for Her. somehow i know this. that as long as i, literally (lol), long and desire and put forth effort, with Her help and guidance it will be enough.
Faith can be enough.
so these times of diving deep into shadow seem to be good as inventories of issues, a sort of cleaning house, even if nothing seems to change. a good time to ask for and receive Divine help. and a good time to express gratitude when supported and lead out of the darkness, back into the light.
occasionally i find myself, plunged deep into my shadow, usually not sure how i wound up there and often wondering what to do next.
last night at circle, i found myself near tears--in the middle of netivah studies! seemingly totally unrelated. my usual tack is to search my feelings to see what's up. last night this took me into turmoil where i ended up feeling very frustrated. but again, i dove deep into it, for better or worse. i figure if a feeling shows up, it usually wants to be expressed somehow. and now, after i've been feeling better, i can see again, although i'm never sure in the moment; that feeling it, praying for guidance and letting it all go, appears to have been the right thing to do.
got a crazy schedule these days with working full-time (4 10-hr overnight shifts) and returning to grad school, still spending time with my son and supporting his life (he's 18, so he won't need me much longer!). work is sun-wed, getting off thursday morning and classes are mon-tues-wed. by tuesday afternoon's class, Life is feeling pretty surreal due to my strange sleep schedule (mostly naps from sunday till thurs). i usually don't feel like myself again until friday morning, after sleeping thursday night and turning my days/nights back around to normal. i think this is the main stressor that threw me off last night.
but there are also aspects to this path that i'm not practised or good at dealing with, like that gnosis is between knowing and not knowing. how does this work for someone who spent most of her childhood not feeling real? not very well. i've worked hard to learn how to validate my own reality, but now, with these new experiences happening and there really doesn't seem to be a way to validate, no source of context, what i'm experiencing. appears that i need to get comfortable with not knowing, but there seem to be infinite layers, for me, around that issue.
faith and doubt take on whole new meanings, for me, with gnosis.
clearly much more to contemplate.
meanwhile, like i said, i got to a place where i felt better. and believe it or not, i'm still in touch with that. at some point, after entertaining doubt, i just have to move forward in faith, trusting that Holy Mother will lead me in a way that i'm able to follow. trusting that She wants me to follow and that She'll have patience with my issues because Her Love is so beyond my comprehension, that She doesn't mind. it's not possible for me to be too much trouble for Her. somehow i know this. that as long as i, literally (lol), long and desire and put forth effort, with Her help and guidance it will be enough.
Faith can be enough.
so these times of diving deep into shadow seem to be good as inventories of issues, a sort of cleaning house, even if nothing seems to change. a good time to ask for and receive Divine help. and a good time to express gratitude when supported and lead out of the darkness, back into the light.
Monday, December 28, 2009
2 illusions
i struggle with these illusions, seems like a lot, especially recently. others may *get* it. you might get it. but i'm writing this incase i forget it again.
1.) sometimes there's conflict/challenge even though i haven't done anything wrong.
part of this comes from that whole childhood psyche thing where kids, especially those who grow up with abuse, blame themselves as a way to control the insanity in their lives cause it'd be too much to deal with when so vulnerable as children, like that the people beating us are those we depend on for food, shelter, etc. i've gotten over this outlook for many situations, even past the "new age" version of how we create our own reality, which doesn't explain 100%, not everything.
what i'm reminded about recently is personal conflicts with others, like communication break downs (let's leave mercury out of this; neutralize any effect). i can do everything ok, take care of myself and my boundaries, and it's still possible for things to get way fucked up. in fact, my experience is that often when i'm in a good place, doin good/feelin good, is when someone shows up who doesn't get it. this brings me to the second one.
2.) just because someone seems impossible, doesn't mean they are evil or unlikeable. they can be ok as they are.
which really irritates me. if someone acts like they don't like me and i'm not doing anything wrong, then i really want something to be wrong with them and for no one else to be able to stand them either. very childish, yes, which is why i keep this to myself. but many folks i listen to (and i do a lot of listening) express this sentiment. it's hard but i'd rather ground myself in the reality that they (the person in the conflict) are ok, maybe even have qualities i appreciate, than to tear them down or make up negative stories about them in my head.
even though it might not make any sense to me why someone might act like everything i do is wrong, that doesn't make it my problem. sure i can explore to see if there's some way to accommodate their preferences. in the current situation at work, feels like my peer is simply interested in power over and i'm simply not interested in giving my power away, so here we are.
i learned some of this schtuff when working hospice. most of the time, families are at their best when a loved one is dying, but occasionally (i'd guess bout 5% of the time) you get to work with a family where this isn't the case. and no one can blame them! death is one of the most difficult circumstances to deal with, for everyone. so occasionally, even the nicest nurses would work with one of these families and end up getting "fired" by them and then we'd all feel relieved.
cause as much as some of us may try to be reasonable, to leave as much drama behind as possible, as much as we might try to do the right thing, checking in with others around us to make sure whatever fits for everyone, as much effort as we may put into creating harmony; we're all, basically, human.
so i continue to work to give myself a break, while i continue to work to give others breaks.
to leave the conflicts be. leave 'm behind and focus on the harmony, on when it works, which is actually most of the time.
1.) sometimes there's conflict/challenge even though i haven't done anything wrong.
part of this comes from that whole childhood psyche thing where kids, especially those who grow up with abuse, blame themselves as a way to control the insanity in their lives cause it'd be too much to deal with when so vulnerable as children, like that the people beating us are those we depend on for food, shelter, etc. i've gotten over this outlook for many situations, even past the "new age" version of how we create our own reality, which doesn't explain 100%, not everything.
what i'm reminded about recently is personal conflicts with others, like communication break downs (let's leave mercury out of this; neutralize any effect). i can do everything ok, take care of myself and my boundaries, and it's still possible for things to get way fucked up. in fact, my experience is that often when i'm in a good place, doin good/feelin good, is when someone shows up who doesn't get it. this brings me to the second one.
2.) just because someone seems impossible, doesn't mean they are evil or unlikeable. they can be ok as they are.
which really irritates me. if someone acts like they don't like me and i'm not doing anything wrong, then i really want something to be wrong with them and for no one else to be able to stand them either. very childish, yes, which is why i keep this to myself. but many folks i listen to (and i do a lot of listening) express this sentiment. it's hard but i'd rather ground myself in the reality that they (the person in the conflict) are ok, maybe even have qualities i appreciate, than to tear them down or make up negative stories about them in my head.
even though it might not make any sense to me why someone might act like everything i do is wrong, that doesn't make it my problem. sure i can explore to see if there's some way to accommodate their preferences. in the current situation at work, feels like my peer is simply interested in power over and i'm simply not interested in giving my power away, so here we are.
i learned some of this schtuff when working hospice. most of the time, families are at their best when a loved one is dying, but occasionally (i'd guess bout 5% of the time) you get to work with a family where this isn't the case. and no one can blame them! death is one of the most difficult circumstances to deal with, for everyone. so occasionally, even the nicest nurses would work with one of these families and end up getting "fired" by them and then we'd all feel relieved.
cause as much as some of us may try to be reasonable, to leave as much drama behind as possible, as much as we might try to do the right thing, checking in with others around us to make sure whatever fits for everyone, as much effort as we may put into creating harmony; we're all, basically, human.
so i continue to work to give myself a break, while i continue to work to give others breaks.
to leave the conflicts be. leave 'm behind and focus on the harmony, on when it works, which is actually most of the time.
Friday, December 18, 2009
ALL as new
releasing old context, old reference points, setting ground in the heart flame.
could it be so simple, the communion of seekers?
all seems new. once this was unnerving and surreal, but has grown secure through Holy Mother's Love and Grace, teaching me love and grace, this centering in the heart. forgiveness for all, releasing all needs to the Divine for perfect fulfillment.
meeting in circle, such comfort from other spiritual nerds. even though we are all very different, not like minded, there is an acceptance, a tender/gentle presence, recognition of sharing a path in this world, but not of it.
not that i've arrived or am in this space always, but enjoying this newness, outside of attachment, aversion or grasping.
yes, much grace.
and grateful.
could it be so simple, the communion of seekers?
all seems new. once this was unnerving and surreal, but has grown secure through Holy Mother's Love and Grace, teaching me love and grace, this centering in the heart. forgiveness for all, releasing all needs to the Divine for perfect fulfillment.
meeting in circle, such comfort from other spiritual nerds. even though we are all very different, not like minded, there is an acceptance, a tender/gentle presence, recognition of sharing a path in this world, but not of it.
not that i've arrived or am in this space always, but enjoying this newness, outside of attachment, aversion or grasping.
yes, much grace.
and grateful.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
crazy Truth
can't sleep, might as well blog. i suppose all honeymoons must end, change being one of the few constants of the universe 'n all. still sucks.
on myspace i have this list of sayings i've made up over time that i'll have to grab another time. my computer's too old to update the browser so i can't log onto myspace at the moment. later i may add the list to the end of this blog [actually it's posted as "b4ii" (10/15/09)].
one of the sayings was/is above, which may not be original with me--most of the "sayings" are simply stating the obvious, like--change is one of the few constants in the universe.
another one has to do with how more Truth is present when opposites are allowed to co-exist without attempts to change either. this doesn't make sense, in any rational way. and before i had this experience, i would've argued up/down/back/forth against it.
but really, the only thing that prevents the peaceful co-existance of opposites is the rational, logical mind: a human creation. rationality is a great tool and can actually go a long way to serving peace, but it too, has it's limits. it's good to develop a sense of when to let go of rationality and allow for either intuition or another non-linear, non-rational mode of thinking to be in the driver's seat, so to speak.
so what am i basing all this on, some kind of altered state, either induced by an additive (ie, drug) or meditation? not at all--not in the least, actually. this "saying" is based on attending a series of board meetings. yep, i'm a nerd, i went to board meetings for fun, lol. some would say i needed to get a life, but i felt like i was in the middle of it! cause with all the dead beauracracy we're surrounded with, i LOVE alive organizations. these board meetings were at the austin waldorf school that my son attended when he was small.
these meetings started with a marvelous verse by rudolf steiner, that i'm having trouble finding at the moment, which called us to seek the spiritual life through service to benefit others. and then they would discuss business. when the inevitable, apparent conflict in choices of action would arise, they would allow space for all possibilities, without rushing for solutions, trying to change or fix anything to fit in a certain way. i found it amazing. no apparent personal attachment to any particular solution, just peaceful consideration.
my impression is that, when opposites are allowed to co-exist without pressure to change, that that's like sitting in Da'at. not sure if that's completely accurate though, i still have much kabbalah to learn.
it sure felt good, which surprised me at the time. on some level it still does--but i can't get enough of it! so i speak what feels like it must be said (or i'll explode) and keep hoping that those i speak to will learn to receive what's said without feeling threatened by it.
maybe some day.
on myspace i have this list of sayings i've made up over time that i'll have to grab another time. my computer's too old to update the browser so i can't log onto myspace at the moment. later i may add the list to the end of this blog [actually it's posted as "b4ii" (10/15/09)].
one of the sayings was/is above, which may not be original with me--most of the "sayings" are simply stating the obvious, like--change is one of the few constants in the universe.
another one has to do with how more Truth is present when opposites are allowed to co-exist without attempts to change either. this doesn't make sense, in any rational way. and before i had this experience, i would've argued up/down/back/forth against it.
but really, the only thing that prevents the peaceful co-existance of opposites is the rational, logical mind: a human creation. rationality is a great tool and can actually go a long way to serving peace, but it too, has it's limits. it's good to develop a sense of when to let go of rationality and allow for either intuition or another non-linear, non-rational mode of thinking to be in the driver's seat, so to speak.
so what am i basing all this on, some kind of altered state, either induced by an additive (ie, drug) or meditation? not at all--not in the least, actually. this "saying" is based on attending a series of board meetings. yep, i'm a nerd, i went to board meetings for fun, lol. some would say i needed to get a life, but i felt like i was in the middle of it! cause with all the dead beauracracy we're surrounded with, i LOVE alive organizations. these board meetings were at the austin waldorf school that my son attended when he was small.
these meetings started with a marvelous verse by rudolf steiner, that i'm having trouble finding at the moment, which called us to seek the spiritual life through service to benefit others. and then they would discuss business. when the inevitable, apparent conflict in choices of action would arise, they would allow space for all possibilities, without rushing for solutions, trying to change or fix anything to fit in a certain way. i found it amazing. no apparent personal attachment to any particular solution, just peaceful consideration.
my impression is that, when opposites are allowed to co-exist without pressure to change, that that's like sitting in Da'at. not sure if that's completely accurate though, i still have much kabbalah to learn.
it sure felt good, which surprised me at the time. on some level it still does--but i can't get enough of it! so i speak what feels like it must be said (or i'll explode) and keep hoping that those i speak to will learn to receive what's said without feeling threatened by it.
maybe some day.
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